Happy 32nd, Ken!

From all your friends across the years!!

His Name is Bruce, Dammit!

So with the movie now on DVD/Blu-Ray (I just ordered the Blu-Ray), Dark Horse has a promotion item I think all of us will want to have in our homes ... check the LINK ... and you're welcome.

OUTWORLD COMPLETES MERGER WITH BUSINESS WORLD

Our Current Economy

Outworld- Emperor and newly named Supreme CEO Shao Khan last night addressed the nation regarding the recently completed merger between his realm of Outworld and our business world.

"Business people of Earth" he declared while sitting on a throne consisting of the skulls of each of the most recent Fortune 500 companies CEOs, "I stand before you tonight triumphant. The joining of Outworld and the Business world has been completed, and the spirits of your companies have been absorbed by Sorceror and chief lawyer Shang Tsung. Now when you look out upon the vast wasteland that is your economy, and gaze at the newly formed oceans of unemployment, you will all tremble in fear before the power of your new Supreme Chief Executive Officer, Shao Khan!"

Some economists are puzzled by this merger, but said it was not entirely unexpected. "Well, we really shouldn't be surprised by this development," says University of Shoacago econonomist Bill Enright. "I mean, everybody knows most corporations are completely soulless. Now we know why."

But although the merger has gone through, there remain those determined to fight against it, including new president Barack Obama. "Well, I warned as recently as last week that this economic chaos could become catastrophe. I was right. But I will not stand idly by and allow this to happen." Obama then unveiled his new economic team consisting of Former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker, business mogul Warren Buffet, and the legendary kung fu master and accountant Liu Kang.

Obama then challenged Shao Khan to Mortal Kombat.

THE WHEN WILL KEVIN SUBMIT TO FACEBOOK COUNTDOWN!

YES KEVIN, THAT'S RIGHT, EVEN JOSH IS ON FACEBOOK NOW. THAT MEANS YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE LEFT. CONCEDE! CONCEDE NOW DAMMIT!!! YOU WILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL BE MY FACEBOOK FRIEND!

TELL JOSH! 2.3.09

This time you're not asking the questions, you're giving the answers! Write suggestions, provide directions, and generally order Josh to do things. Josh, feel free to post on this too.

So I was checking the weather ...

It appears there's a bit of a coldsnap hitting the country and I just wanted to make sure you all knew I was okay. I'm doing my best to stay warm by eating lunch outside in the sun because the heater in the building isn't being used. And just the other day, I made sure to keep a jacket in the back of my car in case a cold breeze picked up and I wasn't anywhere near my apartment.

So, please stop worrying. I'm going to get through this dip in the mercury and I'll be a stronger person because of it.

This message brought to you by the temperature 74 and the term Sunny ... which coincidentally is the description of where I am right now.

ASK JOSH! 1.6.09

Dear Josh, I just bought an Xbox 360 with my Christmas money. What is the first thing I should do with it? - Joey Jagnuts

The difference is shitty advertising

I wish UHS had some titles ready for launch right now so that we could parody the "drinkability" ad campaign that Budweiser is forcing us to endure every 18 seconds until after the Super Bowl. Since their beers are apparently different because they're "drinkable" (more on this in a second), we could claim that that our games' difference is "playability", which other games just don't have. It'd be like the time Sega advertised that their games were better than Nintendo's because the Genesis hardware supported "blast processing", which made games like Sonic possible... except without the lying, since "blast processing" was something they just made up.

Anyway, while the assorted douchecakes that inhabit each Bud commercial are happy to reassure each other that their beer is clearly superior to any other since it has achieved "drinkability", their explanation of this mystical concept basically turns out to mean that it's "refreshing and tastes good"... which is fine except for that the fact that this is COMPLETELY based on opinion, automatically disqualifying it a basis for any objective comparison.

So although the term isn't technically made up, it's used completely outside the literal context ("suitable for drinking"), which makes it wrong, and it's totally subjective, which makes it bullshit. Besides, who the fuck has conversations like these? Where you're hanging out with your friends and asking each other just what it is that makes your refreshments so gosh darn great?

"hey Ken, these burgers are pretty good"
"well Josh, that my friend is grillability - here, let me draw you this stupid-ass diagram"

I hate advertising.

Just a few links ...

Hey there ... sorry I've been off the boards ... end of the year movie stuff ... I think I'll have seen 15 movies in the last week and a half ... oi ... anywho, these two videos amused me and I thought I'd share ...

Video 1

Video 2

Have fun at Santa Crawl and chug one for me ...

Hasta

6 Days!....................

UNTIL SANTA CRAWL 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Challenge Awaits

Click the title for more.

I am Betting on the LIONS

Well, not really "betting". But I can see them winning their game against Tennessee tomorrow.

Seriously, it's the perfect setup for an upset. The Almost Zero Loss team vs. the Zero Win team. The Zero win team's city is shit and recently it's city's economy has turned to shit. Their football team is total shit, too. Now they are being put on National TV, and playing to maintain their credibility as men. I'd watch out if I was Tennessee. This is too storybook.

Sorry...I Fucked Up!!

I am no HTML Whiz Kid...maybe YOU can reformat the above picture?

No?

Well Fuck you then!


Just Kidding, I just wanted to share this picture I found. Hopefully the site author I stole it from doesn't change the picture to a drunk guy with a penis next to his mouth.

Happy Thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

I went to Flickr and searched on 'Thanksgiving Drunk' and this was one of the more interesting results. Anyway, hope you guys have a safe and tasty Thanksgiving.

And now, Turducken:

40's Week? Anybody Remember this?

Hmmm...I dated a girl on the CC Team and I don't seem to remember this tradition.

UHS Game Idea

In the spirit of Guitar Hero comes....


GUITAR HOBO!!!

Play in the deepest, dankest subway stops across America and Eastern Europe. Move up to such posh areas as 'Outside U.S. Cellular Field'. Strive for the position of SUPERHOBO and play in an alley outside of the site of the Super Bowl!!!

Heart Attack Grill

If the Texas Road House wasn't enough for you, well, there's always this place.

Not immediately SFW since a music player automatically loads on the main page, and some co-worker types may not enjoy the pics of hot waitresses as much as you will.

God Bless JCVD

Here's a quote I read on IMDb today from the illustrious Muscles from Brussels ...

"I love animals. I have nine dogs and a kitty. My biggest orgasm - not in a sexual way - is to walk with my dogs on the beach. In Belgium we have these wide sidewalks. You feel like you're on the Planet Moon, and I can make them feel like movie stars."

Just thought I'd share a fun quote ...

Voting Day Live Results

These widgets will supposedly show live election results once their times countdown as enough votes are counted to show anything substantial ... I included a national, illinois and california widget. Sorry Dan, Missouri didn't "show me" any reason to include it. :)


UPDATE: I pulled the widgets after the race was called. Mostly because I got sick of watching the Google one just spin, spin, spin...
-Full Force

I wanted to vote early but.....

Josh Jones still hasn't come out with his official endorsement of a Presidential Candidate yet...

CHOCOLATE SHIT STAIN!

Eat shit and die.

I'm a CPA now. I'll get around to posting just as soon as my work stops making my back feel like a truck drove over it, every morning.

More later.

Nice pic kev. I'd prefer ALTERED BEAST or ALL TURD BEAST but whatever that is, it is GOOD.

Playin' it cool

Note the exotic zebra pattern. Ken, do you still have this CD somewhere???

Screw You, Cubs.

Well, the Cubs let me down again. At least they got it over with quick and didn't tease us like 2003. I would be disappointed, maybe even angry, but it's the friggin' Cubs--what could one expect? So I have decided to renounce my membership in the Cubs fan club and announce that I am coming out of the closet….AS A CHICAGO WHITE SOX FAN!

Look, I wanted to Cubs to win. Bad. The Cubs have two big things going for them: the rustic Wrigley Field, and a history filled with futility. Because of their 100+ postseason funk even a trip to World Series would mean that even the losingest of lovable losers gets to taste triumph at least once--it would be a great story of triumph and redemption.

Unfortunately the problem with that formula is that after 100 attempts the Cubs aren't lovable losers. They are just losers. And I am tired of buying into it.

Seriously, think about something you have never done before, like sew a button on a shirt or juggle some beanbags. Chances are if you try this activity 100 times, by attempt 100 you would have gotten it correct at least once. To not do so would make you--and I apologize for the political incorrectness--a retard. And that's the Cubs--a bunch of retards.

Now let's look at the White Sox. They don't have either of those things going for them. Their ballpark is mediocre at best, and although they had a rough patch, they won it all a couple of years ago. But I think they have other things that I respect more than a classic field and a great story: they have heart. They play above their level. Their manager is batshit crazy, and all the players are likable. Seriously, how could a person root against Jim Thome? They scrap and claw for every run and every out and every victory, so when they lose, you are sad, but you know they tried.

This year's Cubs team won more games than any other team in the NL. After getting swept last year, they were supposed to contend, but instead they went out and shit on the diamond three times. They played like they couldn't wait to stop swinging bats so they could start swinging golf clubs. They didn't even try.

This years Sox team wasn't even supposed to contend. But they fought to the end, and as of this writing are still in it. They fought and won three games in a row against division rivals, including an additional play-in game against the rival Minnesota Twins. They never quit until the other team has put up 27 outs against them.

So I hope the Cubs get some heart, and if they do and they contend next year I'll be happy for them. I'll jump on the bandwagon. But until then, I am going to root for the White Sox.

PS- Here is my theory as to why the Cubs will NEVER win the World Series: Wrigley Field. It is a relic. Because of Wrigley and its location, most of the Cubs games have to be day games. Unfortunately, once a team gets to the postseason, there are no day games--they are all night games because of TV. And I think this has a big effect. An October night in Chicago is a lot different than a September day. So you see, just to get to the postseason, the Cubs have to be built to win in summer heat. And a team built to win in heat is not going to deal well with playing in an autumn chill. Don't believe me? Consider that the White Sox can play night games whenever they want, because they don't have to cater to a yuppie neighborhood--they are surrounded by a parking lot. And what piece of hardware did the Sox pick up in 2005?

How times have changed people

Sadly, I think this would be true ... even though The Onion technically doesn't do "real" news.

MIKE TERRY--LIVE IN CHICAGO

You may have seen improv comedy, but you've never seen improv comedy as shitty as this.

That's right, my Second City class finally gets to take the stage for the first time-Sunday October 12 at Noon at you guessed it--the Second City ???? North Wells In Chicago. (You have an internet location, look up the address). You can be there to say "I was there when dude did his first show." Or you can shun and shame me as if I were your first wife. RSVP by telling me to go fuck myself in the comments below.

NAME THE NEW CORPORATE OVERLORD

Well, we done fucked up. A generation of American children raised on using cheat codes to complete their favorite paramilitary side scrolling Nintendo games realizes that they can't blow on the cartridge of the economy hard enough to make it work. At this point we've done everything but unplug the unit and the screen is still frozen as our characters are in mid-jump. Not even jamming on the reset button works…banks are failing at a rate of 1 per day, and merging into each other. Eventually, every bank will be merged into one, all encompassing banking behemoth, which be tamed by the lash of government oversight. I was wondering what we could call this financial juggernaut, but it seems all the good names are taken--'Unibank', 'Megabank', even the ominous and eponimous 'The Bank' (Just do a google search to verify, all the names are taken). So what would you call this all encompassing banking giant? Because soon we are gonna need a name that is ominous and poweful...

Suggestions welcome!

STEAK SWALLOWER!!!

Home of the 72 oz (4.5 lb) Steak! If you eat the entire meal (Including a bread roll with butter, potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad) in under an hour, it's free!

If you can't, it's $72.

At about 4,500 calories with all the trimmings, it represents around twice the daily calorie intake of the average American.

Feeling Collegiate, Ken? (Cue Rocky Music...)

LOL Google Chrome

Not sure if you guys have seen or messed around with Google Chrome - Google's new web browser - yet, but anyway, as part of the launch they created a long comic strip explaining what Chrome is and how it worked. Well, the posters at Gizmodo.com got a hold of it and worked their Photoshop magic. The result is HERE. Takes a little while to go through them all, but I think you'll all have a chuckle or two.

Happy (belated) Birthday Mr. Jones!!!!

This is belated because I was thinking you were the 5th - but then I checked my calendar and saw it was the 3rd. Anyway, hope you had a good birthday, and maybe I'll meet up with you this weekend for a drink. For now, enjoy this:\

James Hetfield is an Asshole

Sorry, James. I had to call you on it.

Cliff would be really disappointed in you, man.

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS!

I was recently gifted with a DVD copy of “Doomsday.”

Doomsday is the worst piece of garbage that has ever been committed to film. I would give it a bag a hammers, but at least you can use a hammer for something. It was so bad that I got up and walked out- and I was watching it at my apartment. As I fumed about wasting my time with this film I was determined that something good come out of this. Well, since Doomsday is a film that shamelessly plagiarizes from every other post apocalyptic film ever made (and some other films as well), it is the perfect vehicle to showcase

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS


We all know the stuff is going to hit the fan. Be it through War, Famine, or Plague Mother Earth is going to find a way to dwindle humanity’s numbers. But what if you are one of the lucky survivors? Do you think anyone is going to care that you can balance a checkbook or program an iPhone to do your laundry? Wrong move, fuckface. The following are the meek who will inherit the charred and stinking remains of earth, so get on board with these growing post apocalyptic careers!

1. Welder – Yup, welders. You wouldn’t think welders could be more in demand than they are right now. You would be wrong. Showers of sparks are the backbone of the grim industrial tone that permeates any post apocalyptic neighborhood. Showers of sparks that only be provided by your local welders union.

2. Tattoo Artists- Well, you just survived living in a bunker for 3 months waiting for the radiation to reach a tolerable level or for the virus to kill off all its hosts. The next step isn’t searching for supplies or restoring basic utilities. No way—it’s getting inked up, motherfucker. Because when humans start to rebuild, the Leadership Hierarchy will be determined by the quantity of ink lodged in your dermis. (On a side note, I find it funny to see how immaculately groomed this person is...for being some broad who is supposed to be tough as nails she obviously spent a long time at her hairdresser and manicurist).

3. Motorcycle Repair – By definition, every society post apocalypse has to have some crazy motorcyclists to harass intruders, jump stuff, and then wipe out in spectacular fashion. It seems to me that in reality most motorcyclists are pretty tough, while in the movies they are pantywaists who do nothing but get their asses kicked. Seriously, in the post apocalyptic world the motorcycle cavalry would lose to Glass Joe. It’s a good thing riders are retards and motorcycles don’t fix themselves. So, if you are well versed in motorcycle repair, you will never want for work.

4. Retarded Hairstylist- Uh oh! You got caught in the explosion, irradiated, and/or eaten by the plague. Now your IQ has been reduced by 75%. What service could you possibly provide to secure your place in the developing new economy? Well, you could cut hair. People don’t seem to be that particular in the future. Based on this picture, you caould also probably make some decent bucks selling mascara.

5. Cockroaches. Fuck you Neil Marshall.

Welcome To Your Doom

Freakonomics- Where Brock Lesnar answers My Question

LINK IN TITLE

I like to read the Freakonomics blog, and have been doing so ever since it was praised by another poster to this site. Often this site will approach minor celebrities and have normal internet surfers like you or me ask them questions, which they will then answer. Recently they approached the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. I decided to ask him a question and surprisingly he DID answer it.

Try to guess which question I asked. I'll let you know soon. And don't try looking at the original post because I intentionally used a fake name. Suck it.

Hey! Metallica is still around!

NEW YORK (Billboard) - Metallica will release its first album in five years worldwide on Friday, September 12, the second time the rock band has broken with the industry's custom of a Monday or Tuesday street date.

A posting on Metallica's Web site, entitled "The Last Piece of the Puzzle," did not give a reason for the unusual release date for "Death Magnetic."

Albums are usually released on a Tuesday in the North America, where Metallica is signed to Warner Music, and a day earlier everywhere else. Universal handles the band internationally.

In a last-minute move Metallica's previous album, the commercial disappointment "St. Anger," was released a few days earlier than planned, ostensibly to combat piracy.

On Friday, Metallica shot a video near Los Angeles for first single "The Day That Never Comes." It was directed by drummer Lars Ulrich's Danish compatriot Thomas Vinterberg.

Metallica will be back on stage Saturday at Ozzfest in Dallas. At that gig, guitarist Kirk Hammett will join Slayer's Kerry King, Alice In Chains' Jerry Cantrell and Anthrax's Scott Ian in a tribute to late Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, who was murdered on stage in Columbus, Ohio, in 2004.

Reuters/Billboard

The Commissionary Position - Volume 1 Issue 2

This year's sister league to our main gridiron endeavor is none other than the long-awaited Mistakes League, in which we celebrate the worst that on-field football has to offer. Gone are the days of agonizing over whether or not to take a QB in the first round, trying to figure out which rookie RBs will be the breakout stars or hoping the Defense you picked up is as good as it looks on paper.

Well, actually, you still have all those problems, just in reverse - now you get nowhere by picking players that are any good, and can only advance by coasting on the jet-streams of failure that propel the league's most hapless players into the spotlight of ridicule on various nationwide post-game radio and television shows.

In general, the only ways to earn points are through fumbles, interceptions, missed FGs and defensive incompetence. You've all received an invitation to this illustrious league, but here's the current scoring system for quick reference:

Offense:
Incomplete Passes (10)
Interceptions (300)
Sacks (100)
Fumbles (100)
Fumbles Lost (300)

Kicking:
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards (750)
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards (500)
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards (250)
Field Goals Missed 40-49 Yards (100)
Point After Attempt Missed (1000)

Defense:
Points Allowed 1-6 points (250)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (500)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (750)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (1000)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (1500)
Points Allowed 35+ points (2000)

Everything else is worth 0. Note that the "Sacks" category above is listed under "Offense", so I presume it's the number of points awarded (normally subtracted) if your QB goes down. It's not used in our main league, so I can't confirm. Also, this league is scored on points only... we don't play head-to-head games each week. Whoever can rack up the most terribleness by season's end will take the crown!

The draft time is set for Sunday, 8/31 at 2:30pm CST... that's an hour-and-a-half after the "real league" draft, which was as close together as I could make them. So join up (let me know if the invites don't arrive) and post your comments/thoughts/opinions on the scoring system... we may not have a full 8 teams for this one, but we'll see.

- Commissioner Chunder

The Commissionary Position - Volume 1 Issue 1

...requesting uplink...
...requesting uplink...
...requesting uplink...
...connected.

>sftp commish@tactical1
>connecting to tactical1 (10.12.240.666):
>commish password on tactical1:
tactical1:/> kill -15 `head -1 /etc/mail/sendmail.pid`
tactical1:/> broadcast.ksh


Dudes,
Since football season is closer than you probably think, I went in and made some updates to the FF league. Nothing drastic, but you'll find the changes detailed below... you can see all these in the "Recent Transactions" board our league's Yahoo site, but I figured this would be the best place to collect them and discuss as a group. Here they be:

League

1) Draft Time - Set for Saturday, August 30th at 1pm CST. Let me know as soon as you can if this is bad for you.

2) Playoffs - Playoffs?? Playoffs are now Weeks 15 & 16. I did this to avoid having the Super Bowl during the Week 17 wasteland... and also to have an even number matchups (you'll now play every team twice).

Points System

1) Defensive Point tiers - You'll now get a varying amount of points relative to how many your defense allows during the game... no more "all-or-nothing" scenarios that depend upon a shutout. A shutout is still worth 2000, but you can also earn the following:

1-6 points allowed: 1000
7-13 points allowed: 500
14-20 points allowed: 250

Then zero for 21+. There are categories for 21-27, 28-34 and 35+, but I didn't use them... though I like that we have the option, especially since it gave me an awesome idea for the Mistakes League!! This is my favorite update of the season and the one I feel we should keep through the ages. Do the above figures look OK to everyone?

2) Kickoff & Punt Return touchdowns - This wasn't checked by default, but I activated it and made it worth 600.

3) Bonus Offense - Just for fun I added a Level 2 bonus that's awarded if you have a QB who somehow manages to throw for 500 yards in a single game, or someone who rushes or receives for 300... all of which are worth 1000.

I also eliminated the bonus for Return Yards. Actual yardage and touchdowns are still worth the same amount as their rushing and receiving counterparts, but if you want to rack up bonuses at the WR slot you're going to have to play an actual WR. Sorry. :)

As a side note, Yahoo lets you specify up to three bonuses... so if we wanted we could increment these differently, or even decrease everything else and making the Level 3 bonus worth an absurd amount of points (the game-breaking nuclear play??).

Rosters

1) Flex spot - WR/RB is in. WR/TE is out.

2) That's it, really. Do we want any changes to the rosters? I'm not talking about the core mechanics (we'll keep 2 QBs, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, etc.), or even Mike & The Mechanics, but do we want to look into an additional flex spot or more bench room? I thought about increasing the latter from 8 to 10, but I don't want teams to start hoarding, like those people you sometimes see on the news who have like 300 cats.


Let me know what you all think... in the meantime, I'll be crafting a customary new Avatar for the coming mayhem.

- Commissioner Gordon


tactical1:/> exit

Hello?

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you

The Dark Knight

From imdb.com, as of 2:20am CST, Sunday July 20th 2008:

Lewbowskifest 2008....In a word: balls!

So, in case anyone was curious, Lebowskifest DID HAPPEN. It ended up being me, Kevin Lange, Geoff, Flounder and Kevin's special lady friend Laurie. Words can't really explain the story as well as pictures. So enjoy the ones at the link above.

In the end I ended up winning a Liam autographed ball buffer for bowling a 172 (which is about 130 points off my average), which I summarily lost somewhere between the bowling party and the after party. Geoff ended up winning the 'Hardest Traveled' trophy due to making the event despite the fact he had surgery on his achilles earlier in the week. He had been training for a marathon when he ran over a broken bottle that had been left in the street. It flipped up and did some damage. Geoff spent the weekend with us rolling him around a la The Big Lebowski! Between Friday Night and the wee hours of Sunday, we consumed a horrendous amount of White Russians - including buying about 30 of them when they started selling them '2 for 1' at the end of the night - and having to polish them off/give them away within 5 minutes. Not to mention the two 1 gallon jugs of White Russians that the bar manager finally sold to us at the end of the night -after about two days of joking with them that we wanted to buy 'the jug'. All in all it was a good time. We checked out the comedian and the movie screening, which was fun. The bowling was fun too. We didn't catch most of the bands on the second day because it was just god awful warm outside. Although we did take part in some of the games, like the 'ringer toss' where you have to throw the bag of Walter's 'whites' over the car (from the driver's seat) and hit the Nihilist dummy that is standing there. All in all, it was a good time, and I'd recommend it to anyone with more than a passing fancy for the movie. Although I would say that the trip to Louisville is probably just a one-shot deal. I think from here on out I'll stick to the Chicago event - unless they have something really cool in terms of bands or entertainers in Louisville.

CHECK THIS OUT RIGHT NOW

Yup. It's the Watchmen Trailer. I am impressed.

.

Black Skittle

I found these lyrics as I was going through some old folders a couple weeks ago - they were written on a bar napkin, in case that tells you anything:

Black Skittle, the lottery you've won
Black Skittle, the flavor weighs a ton
Black Skittle, placed upon your tomb
Black Skittle, taste the rainbow - OF TOTAL FUCKING DOOM!!!

(go nuts)

Morphogenesis

this is Year Zero, all we know has died
the mutiny came so sudden, killing yesterday

thoughts that force discordance away, once more an era is fading
whatever dreams we're reaching to claim, decides the path we are taking

gone forever
we are done with worldviews mechanical
none shall ever
be a slave to thoughts inside their heads

mind is the master, morphogenesis
this structure remains untrodden, a new reality

bleeding through
all the spheres
all our thoughts
all our fears
gaining life
soul, mind, heart, feeding starts now
rising from
ashen dust
through our sins
karmic cost
measured souls
weigh our hearts, judge our thoughts, no

thoughts that force discordance away, once more an era is fading
whatever dreams we're reaching to claim, decides the path we are taking

gone forever
we are done with worldviews mechanical
none shall ever
be a slave to thoughts inside their heads


- Scar Symmetry, "Morphogenesis"

Send Barrack Your Baby

THIS is friggin' awesome.

NOT EVEN REMOTELY SAFE FOR WORK

If you've seen Way of the Gun ... this mash-up will seem very familiar ... and awesome ... mostly awesome ... but also familiar.

I've made it to the front page!

... of Google that is. I googled Hungry Hank and voila! ... I was the last link on the 1st page of links ... soon I will rule the world! ... or maybe I'll just get a slurpee and think about ruling the world ... either way ... good times!

How much Batman ass can Batman kick?

Here's the Answer.

HOLY CRAP!

They've discovered a sound that can make you poop your pants!

No work necessary on my part

The employees putting up the sign did all the heavy lifting ... wow, even that's suggestive. As pointed out on Joblo.com where I found this gem, the previous title to "Hancock" was "Tonight, He Comes" ... where the hell is the job to make suggestive titles and how do I get it???

Saving Money.....

So I usually check out fatwallet.com for good deals and occasionally financial advice. I came upon this particular thread that had people suggesting what they do to save money and be frugal. There were a bunch of funny suggestions, but I thought the one on the top of this page really took the cake:

LINK

BOING!!!!!!

It's weird to see how I'll be spending all my remaining vacation days this year.

Never too early....

Hello panthrosbulge,

Welcome to Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football.

This is to confirm that you've created the Custom League named Reality Football and the team called The Austin Police in that league.

To allow other managers to join your league, send them the League ID# and Password. In your case, the ID# is 15176 and the Password is beerbrandbeer.

You have chosen for your league to take part in a live online draft on Sat Aug 23 10:00am PDT. Until that time, you (and only you) can change the type of draft by using the Change Draft Type option found among your Commissioner Tools, which can be reached from your League Overview page.

If you choose to remain in a live draft, please arrive at the draft 10 minutes ahead of the scheduled time. The draft will start promptly and may conclude rapidly if only a few managers are logged in.

We also suggest that all league members custom rank their players in case a manager can't make it to the draft. Managers can do this at any time by simply going to the Fantasy Football home page and clicking on their team name.

Thanks for joining. Good luck.

--Fantasy Football Commissioner
http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1

The keyword is not your friend

By now you've all noticed - during your frequent trips to the site to kill some time at work and/or watch "The Dark Knight" trailer for the 200th time - that various "Plot Keywords" are now listed along with a movie's summary information on IMDb. So by now you've also noted that the keywords associated with each film are often completely irrelevant and make about as much sense as a Freshman-year C++ lecture. I know you're going to take my word for it, but that's still not enough to stop me from providing the following examples, live off the floor.

The keywords are basically terrible across the board, but for the purposes of this exercise I just picked 5-6 movies that I'm almost positive everyone here has seen, so you can see how ridiculous it gets. The keywords listed after each movie title all appear on the movie's splash page, in the order presented here:


Pulp Fiction
Long Take | Muzzle | Homage | Taxicab | Garden Hose

Ah yes... all staples of the decade of crime cinema that followed.


Gladiator
No Opening Credits | Scene Based On Painting | Historical | Famous Score | Altered Version Of Studio Logo

There's a movie after the title and opening theme, in case you weren't sure.


Predator
Spanish Language Usage | Oldies | Disturbing | Necktie | Infrared Vision

"Rated R for Partial Nudity, Intense Violence and Strong Spanish".


The Goonies
Blender | Group Vomit | Lifting Person In Air | Bullet Hole | Toupee

I don't remember any of these things happening or being in Goonies. "Sloth", "Pirate Ship", "Panty Shot" - yes. These - no. Unless there's an alternate version that features Ermac from Mortal Kombat and Clasrk Griswold's dad from Christmas Vacation, directed by John Woo. Is there such a version?


Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Mangina | Gross Out Comedy | Landlord | Bullet Catching | Squirrel

Yes, on the site you can actually click on that first keyword and, I guess, find more movies that feature the same concept. I didn't.


Batman Begins
Threesome | Bra Less | Secretary | Monorail | Pearl Necklace

Aside from the fourth one, WHAT????


My Algonquin
Threesome | Bra Less | Secretary | Monorail | Pearl Necklace
or
Janitor Closet | Undead Pimp | Revisionist History | Steam Engine | Atrocity

Acknowledge my correctitude

Remember a while back when I surmised that the folks over at accuweather.com were phoning it on after the 7 day forecast?

Bow Down to the Superior Meteorology, Bitches! They've even come up with new ways to describe the greates weather on Earth, including 'Abundant Sunshine' and 'A Full Day of Sunshine'. And to add insult on top of injury, the weather gets more temperate as the Summer goes on. Shit, it's hotter here.

Yes, I am Mike Terry, and this message receives my approval.

An article about........HOT COKE!

Linky

Maybe video games should never become movies?

Because then this won't happen

House's most shocking case ever!

Scenes from Dr. Cuddy's striptease in the first part of the House Season 4 finale are now online, for those who missed it (some of you) or those who need to see it again (all of you). Start the thought-provoking retrospective journey HERE (linked through IMDb).

Probably not safe for work... unless you work for House.

CLICK HERE TO READ SOMETHING INTERESTING!

It's SFW.

The Bulls Finally Win Something...

At the beginning of last season, many experts would have given the Bulls a better chance of winning the East than winning the lottery. Kobe still wanted to come here, remember. We had been noodged out of the playoffs by the Pistons. We had a maturing team and some decent talent.

Well, the Bulls didn't win the East, and didn't even make the playoffs. But they did have a 1.7 percent chance to win the draft lottery, and they did it. So we get the first pick in the draft!

Normally, I would be happy, but this just seems to be a setup for another fuck up of monolithic proportions. Whoever the Bulls DON'T pick is going to be rookie of the year and MVP. Whoever we DO pick is going to be a self-centered overpayed jackass.

Of course, there are 10 empty spaces in the United Center where they could have put championship banners since the last one. But I guess they are just saving the space for when the Bulls "organization" wins a championship, instead of the Bulls basketball players.

Reading about the Bulls always makes me nostalgic, remembering how special basketball was back then. The Bulls were an unstoppable powerhouse who ran the triangle offense, and the Pacers were still ok too. Of course, everyone could agree to root against the Knicks. Jordan, Pippen, and Rodman could have punked out any team alone, but since they let the Bulls use 5 layers we always included a big gooby guy and a short white dude who could shoot the long ball.

Sigh....

The Woes of a San Diego Weather Man

Whenever I am wondering what the extended forecast is looking like I push Tom Skilling aside and go directly to accuweather.com. It's got a 15 day forecast, which is half a month for those of you not yet on the Gregorian calendar. Also, it is fun to see what kind of things people in other parts of the country and planet are going through weather wise.


Recently I was wondering what it was like out on the best coast. So I key in San Diego (woot!) and check it out. That's when I realize the weather man out there must be busy either fuckin his wife or fuckin someone else's wife, because he is really phoning it in.

Check it:

Well, it's kind of pixelated because I saved it as a .gif, but it is still good enough so that after 7 days you can still see an unobstructed orange/yellow ball that of course indicates a couple of possibilities. The first is "Sunshine." That is followed by "Sunny" and at one point "Abundant Sunshine." Obviously they are running out of words to describe some great fuckin' weather. And if you look closely at the temperature ranges they are all plus or minus two degrees from 70. How hard is that to forecast? I think after 7 days the forecaster just puts up a bunch of sunny shapes, thinks up a synonym for "Really Damn Sunny", and throws a dart at a board with the numbers 68-72 on it.

I am going to find out. In two weeks I will revisit the accuweather site and see if the forecast 7 days out has changed at all. I bet it looks really similar.

Why don't you like my movie, Hank?

Dear Hungry Hank,

I thought you were hungry. Hungry for action. Hungry for solid writing. Hungry for a character you could root for.

Instead I find out you are hungry for more Tim Allen.

Well, sorry to disappoint you. The fact is I killed Tim Allen and threw him in the river. Because no one has ever said on their deathbed "I wish I wouldn't have missed the season finale of Home Improvement." (Not even Tim Allen). So you see, there was a confrontation, but it would have been dishonorable to film what I did to him, much less distribute it to 100 movie screens across this great nation. That's why he disappeared halfway through the movie.

And then you inject yourself into the dynamics of my marriage. That kind of crosses the line. I didn't confront my wife because I was scared. Not of her mind you, but scared of my own raw animal power. I mean, I am a lethal weapon. Did you see what I did to that MMA dude? Fucked his shit right up is what I did. But what do you care...you wanted to see me confront Tim Allen and my wife. Yeah-THAT would have been a fair fight. Believe me, my wife is gonna pay, and pay in the worst way-CBC style. But I couldn't film that either without pushing the rating beyond an R. And I want people to see my film. Because despite what you say, it's good.

I'm Mike Terry and I approve this message.

Beer Brand Beer featured on House!

For those of you who didn't see it, last night's episode prominently featured a bottle of "BEER" brand beer, complete with a line of dialog where House refers to it as such. Sorry Dan, I'm not sure if you'll get the reference since I don't think you were there the time we all watched "Night of the Scarecrow".

If this doesn't do anything for you then another, better reason to watch it is for the Dr. Cuddy striptease. It was one of those trippy episodes with delusions, dreams and false memories, so they could do whatever they wanted. They chose... wisely.

This is only a test...

Yep I can still type. And on that note, I'm still studying for the CPA exam. Almost done. Any minute now I'll get my sense of humour back.

In the meantime I suggest you reminisce about Thanatos and his dark arts. SEGA CD OWNS YOU!

The Best of Year 3

Relive all the best of our "EP" year in the Fort! Perhaps we'll have a new "full-length" ready a year from now. Until then, snuggle up with your favorite Internet-capable device, turn out tha lights and close tha do'. But for what? These posts!

Wrap up of Dan's final undergraduate college experience: - this is the monolith on which fragments of Dan's legendary college deeds will be forever carved.

POSTING MADNESS! - this entry seems like the cousin of this one (which made the Best of Year 2).

iThink you are a big Pussy - Surge parries the cries of leading-edge dickheads with the digital equivalent of a punch to the solar plexus.

Stay Safe, Hank! - by getting the well-wishes out of the way in the post title, we clear a path to focus on the sweet, sweet mana of the comments.

Meat Market back at 60-75% power! - a late entry, but it was a lively affair and gets in thanks in large part to the strength of Ken's last sentence. A fitting end!

Honorable mentions:

A couple good sites to waste your time with.... - of particular note here are the time stamps on the comments... no time wasted there.

This looks interesting - the combined effect of the first two comments made me laugh.

This Has Been A Pretty Lame Apocalypse - I liked this post... could have been much bigger with some additions from the group, or even have become a regular column.

??? - this isn't from this year... or even from this Blog. What could it mean?? I didn't know then and I still don't now.


With that, I bid Year 3 fucking adieu... good night, and good luck in Year 4.

More Pictures of Obese women, please.

This time try to find one with a shorter shirt.

Theta Chi in the news again ...

I thought this little ARTICLE might be of interest. That it combines San Diego and Theta Chi is like the discovery of peanut butter and jelly. Enjoy.

The Biggest Travesty of Justice Since OJ

Year 3 post statistics

See all you were in Underground G.I. Joe Fort: Year 3. There were only 68 posts (not counting any Year 2 recap posts), even fewer than the total number of tacos Ken was able to eat in a Junior-year weekend. Here are the facts that define our shame:

Joshua Godblogger: 29 (43%)
Ken-do Stick: 17 (25%)
Ianvertebrate: 13 (19%)
Minimal Effort: 5 (7%)
Sabin the Hate Ape: 4 (6%)

These numbers look pretty much like they do every other year, except that Josh jumped on top of the two usual front-runners and administered a sound drubbing. Once again I barely stay out of the cellar and Dan forms the head... in reverse.

Year 4 is now upon us. We have no one to blame but ourselves if it isn't awesome. Rao The Conqueror... ...

Looks like one of us is trying to make it in the Legitimate Media

Check out DoubleH's and the gang's DVD reviews:


http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2008/apr/30/dune-planet-terror-deep-blue-sea/

Approved by the Film Actors Guild!

OK WTF

Is there a compelling reason why the head of the Film Actors Guild was starting back at me when I logged in this evening?

Meat Market back at 60-75% power!

This Wednesday - or possibly Friday - in the City of Perpetual Winter, three of us (the ones that live in or around said city) converge on a Brazilian steak-house. I said 60-75% since I couldn't remember how many dudes were a part of this thing full-time. All I know for sure is that Ken has announced his intent to take his marker and nail it to the table green-side up in the presence of a server. Tales and photos to come!

An Interesting thought, from the folks at Slate:

"Drop Out, Obama
By
Chris Wilson

Even as Hillary Clinton trails Barack Obama in pledged delegates, the popular vote, and number of states won, she has made it clear that she plans to stay in the race for the nomination. All of which brings me to this logical conclusion: It is time for Barack Obama to drop out.

If Clinton had the good of the Democratic Party in mind, she would have given up her bid the day after the Mississippi primary, which Obama won by 25 points. The delegate math was as dismal for her campaign then as it is now, even after Pennsylvania, and she was facing down a six-week gulf before the next election.

But Hillary Clinton isn’t going to drop out. There simply isn’t a function in her assembly code for throwing in the towel.

Obama, on the other hand, is fully capable of it. And if he’s really serious about representing a new kind of politics, now is the time for him to prove it in the only meaningful way left. Moreover, were he to play it right, dropping out now nearly guarantees that he’ll be elected president in 2012. Here’s the roadmap:

Obama drops out next week, stating that although he could almost certainly win the nomination by fighting it out until the convention in August, he is simply not willing to drag the party through a battle that will cripple its chances against John McCain. He then pledges to help support Sen. Clinton in her bid—with full knowledge that she will not take him up on the offer.
In one stroke, Obama will regain his messiah creds by making the ultimate sacrifice for the good of the party. His followers will be furious. The mere mention of Clinton’s name will provoke unspeakable acts. They will abandon Clinton in numbers sufficient to hand McCain the election in November.

Losing the presidency again after eight years of Bush will ruin the Democratic Party. It will become obvious that Clinton’s decision to stay in the race was the turning point in the election. The base will turn its wrath on party leaders like Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi, who failed to push Clinton out. Obama, as the de facto head of the party, will broker negotiations to install new leaders loyal to him.

McCain will be eminently more beatable in 2012. Demographics will continue to shift in Obama’s favor as his 14- to 17-year-old supporters come of voting age. Anyone foolish enough to challenge Obama for the nomination—and don’t rule out Clinton—will go nowhere. Obama’s utopian vision for a Democratic party unified around him will be complete. QED. "

This of course assumes McCain lives to fulfill his entire 1st term.

EARTQUAKE HITS MIDWEST

At 4:30 this morning the midwest got pounded by an earthquake. Don't know if you felt it....I was awake and my building shook a little. It was weird.