The real reason I haven't posted for a while

I've been staging a silent protest until Ian reviews "Stick It" for The Sobering Conclusion. My key failing with this plan, however, was to not inform anyone of the silent protest beforehand. This of course did nothing to help a review appear, and also caused me to have to break my own silent protest by writing this post to say I was staging a silent protest. As you can plainly see, I'm ruined. In conclusion, please review "Stick It" for The Sobering Conclusion.

Sincerely,
Jensen Dykelover

Let's have some quotes!

Well, I've recovered from my temporary Internet service blackout (and Internet laziness) to bring you these memorable quotations:

from tonight's Simpsons:

"You're a worse version of Hitler!"

"All I know is that no one's better than anyone and everyone's the best at everything."
"Not you - you're the worst!! Now get to poisonin' them squirrels!"

"You're as smart as any man! Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude!"

"Well, at least I can cuddle with the dog - everyone knows I'm smarter than you!"
(cut to Homer sleeping in the dog house) "Oh, how did this happen??"

"CHAIR FIGHT!!!"


from tonight's American Dad:

"forgive my unusually thick tongue"

"he's so cool and popular, you forget he's Asian!"


from last weekend's Josh playing F-Zero GX at my house and commenting on the character "Octoman":

"if I had that many arms, I'd at least wish for another penis!"


Alias seems like a shitty show. They play the same shitty techno song in every scene. I'd suggest they use the "Eternal Champion" theme instead, but why waste it on a shitty show. Ken, sorry about your cable - mine still comes in. Wii will rock you. Pass me some of that Santa Maria BBQ.

New favorite photo?

I was looking for some information about Santa Maria style barbecue and ran across this little gem. After looking at this photo carefully, I noticed Grandma has tongs and some tupperware, so far so good. But the guy has what appears to be a bomb detonator and the kid is holding some wood and a friggin' hammer! What kind of barbecue is this?

And to top it off, the location looks like the outskirts of the Katrina disaster zone. I simply love it. Maybe these are the folks Nintendo is marketing the WII to (Wickidly Idiotic Innovation).

Someone fire the Nintendo Marketing Department

In case you don't look at IGN, the Nintendo Revolution has been renamed the Wii (pronounced WEE). I personally don't understand it myself, in the pantheon of console names, this has to be the lamest. Granted 'Revolution' was no INTELLIVISION, but even ATARI JAGUAR or NEO GEO sounds cooler than Wii. It would have been better just call it 'The Mario Machine.'

Comcast calls check, I call CHECKMATE!

Ever since I moved into my house in November of 2003, I have been blessed with the magic of basic cable - without bills! We moved in, there was cable. I said to myself "well, when Comcast figures it out, then I won't have cable, it's their move". Two and a half years later, I'm looking to sell my house. So I'm looking at, ideally, maybe a month or two left in this house. BAM. There's a Comcast flyer on the door telling me to 'take advantage of the limited time offer'. The offer that isn't listed on the door hanger? Turn on the TV: BAM no cable! So close. I was almost out of the house and home free, so to speak. But now Comcast has roped me in. I am missing my favorite shows. I missed the episode of House that Kevin said promised a House vs. God showdown. So I guess I'll have to break down and buy cable, I say.

http://www.comcast.com

$60/mo for STANDARD CABLE?!?!!?

I am now a loyal Dish Network customer. ;) F U Comcast. (Oh, but thanks for the 2 years of free cable) :D

I continue to slave over a hot internet host.

I continue to waste idle time working on web crizzle. If you haven't stopped by these sites, be sure to:

http://wiki.userhostilesoftware.com (a wiki site, all kinds of crap in this puppy, great for wasting massive amounts of time)

http://photos.userhostilesoftware.com (you can sign up and post pictures here)

http://blog.userhostilesoftware.com (blog in progress, I am still tinkering with it)

I call shennanigans

This whole fad is obviously bogus. To prove it I used this mugshot of Stone Cold Steve Austin. AS Ken can tell you, it is obviously him. Look at the beady little eyes, the sloping forehead, and the goatee. Running this through the program did NOT return Stone Cold as a match, although he is more famous than any soccer star or arguably, Alec Baldwin. I think it just returns random famous photos.

Manipulating Posted Photos is Funner!

I found out about this site that allows you to compare people's photos with celebrities. I used the one Ken just put up and here are the results ...

Versus Men: http://www.play-analogia.com/cgi-bin/index/k/?ks=9Id9pfcCUY8545BKItamu06nKv8j6aGzOi7Qe7Bk

Versus Women: http://www.play-analogia.com/cgi-bin/index/k/?ks=C4Tp0V1kOTDOaL7vfkj3VdmzwEqYxjxmDHjoQZ3y

I think we see where this is headed ... everyone do someone else! (And yes, you can put up a photo of just about ANYTHING and see what happens ... for example, this picture of a lemon turned into a battery gives us: http://www.play-analogia.com/cgi-bin/index/k/?ks=TSCMSPUxbNrA3nNxzhxp3UxyyAlVKjTjlKCq3UtZ)

And supposedly the results only stay up for 48 hours or so, time is of the essence in viewing these marvelous results!

Old Film is Fun

Sarah and I found some old undeveloped roll of film from years ago. We finally sent it in to Snapfish to have it developed, and it produced this gem, among others:

A Gentleman and a Scholar

For those wondering what Cowboy has done with his life since the Bradley days, you'll be happy to know that he made sure to give Pat C. a call yesterday to remind him that it was April 20th.....you know, 4/20. huh huh huh, uh, huh huh huh.

Class.

I often wonder...

how are the snakes going to board? Snakes can't get boarding passes and they certainly don't get early boarding, no one does anymore. Will they fly stand-by or first class? WAIT TO FIND OUT!

This post brought to you by the letter q and that thing that holds a muffler to your car.

S.O.A.P. = C.R.A.P.

I don't know why we have all this stuff about SOAP all over the board. Granted the concept is funny, but I am willing to bet 90% of the internet fanboys are going to go see the movie and be disappointed. Why? Because like "DOG N' SUDS" it is at most a silly one minute joke. Essentially, they'll be taking this joke and extending it over roughly a 90 minute time frame. So yeah, while you could say "DOG N' SUDS!" and have it be funny for the first through tenth time, after 90 times it would staler than Mother Theresa's submission to Penthouse Forum. The same rule holds true here. In fact, I contend it has stopped being about a dumb movie premise, and more about how people who wish they were Kevin Smith can pat themselves on the back for cleverly promoting something ridiculous. Thanks a lot internet!

If you disagree....click over here------->

Diary of An Indian Gavial

Dear Diary:

Well I don't know what to say--Today was a lot like yesterday. I woke up here in the swamp again. As soon as I did I noticed one of the female gavials looking at my small crocodilian pecker. She seemed to have some kind of shit eating grin on her face. I'd ask her about it but I am so unsure about what to say. Every time I open my powerful jaws only a deep groaning escapes.

Well, after waking up I went for a swim. I decided to visit my friend Bill the Big Eyed Trevally. He wasn't around, but then I remembered it was because I ate him yesterday.
And get this: me and Ralph are just sitting on the edge of the water, minding our own business, when some asshole waering Olive Drab camo and facepaint just crawls right up next to us. He seemed to be talking to himself about some Para-Medic or something. Well, Ralph slaps him with his tail a few times to welcome him to the swamp. The jerk just starts stabbing him! It didn't seem to bother Ralph, I think he thought it was funny. But after being stabbed 1000 times over the course of a half hour he dies and the guy starts eating him. I started to say something, but this creep tried to hurl a grenade down my throat. I just swam away. Eventually the guy took off too. I hope he doesn't come back again.

Anyway, I keep looking at that hornets nest over there. Those bees always look pissed.

PAY YOUR TAXES!

Best Wishes From Down Under

Happy Birthday Kevin!



Your Good Friend,
Luc

E-Bay, you're my only friend

One of the oddest things ever is HERE. BE CAREFUL, it loads an active X thing and starts playing obnoxious music so turn off your sound, especially at work.

Time to 'Fess Up!

Allright. It is almost Easter. In this time of Rebirth, it is healthy to clean one's conscience. So it is time to find out the answer to the greatest P-Posse Mystery In History:

WHAT HAPPENED TO TECMO BOWL???

Now this cartridge disappeared sophomore year. It was located in Hank & Miller's Room. It looked like this:

Using special aging technology, today it would look something like this:

One of us knows what happened. I can tell you it wasn't me. That means it was probably one of you. So You Have a Choice:

Your Decision will result in one of the following:

Hopefully you make the right choice. I already forgive you.

Got a few minutes to kill?

Well, in the same vein as reimagined trailers done in a differnt light, someone put a lot of effort into sculpting The Sequel I Almost Want To See ... but not really because I'd probably rather fall off a building into a vat of acid and then be blended into a milkshake for that guy who eats worms in the WWE to drink.

The Ins and Outs of Sexual Harassment

Okay, so I am sitting at work, trying to find people to call who need some high octane advertising. In this process I stumble across some Sexual Harassment Lawyers ads in the phone book. The photograph accompanying the ad was ridiculous, but being a fan of such things I thought, no, I KNEW there were more photos out there of Sexual Harassment in progress...and I sought out to find them. This is the result of that 20 minute quest through the google image search.

What we have here is some classic examples of the "Hand on Shoulder" or "Bowers" technique. This form of 'innocuous touching' is commonly used by men to gauge a potential mates interest. Go ahead and try it for yourself. If the recipient makes a face like any of the women above, I am pretty sure that means she is interested and you can proceed to Operation 'Whip-It-Out'. I hope that Asian lady likes guys who dress like Sipowicz, cause she's got it. Besides, if she didn't want it, why would she dress so hot? To attract some other guy in the office?

These next two guys just said "Fuck it. I'm white. I'm wearing a tie. I'm shifting into Leitzel Mode." Actually, the first guuy looks like he is trying to subdue his panicky secretary with a vulcan-style neck pinch. I can't see the other guys face, but I am betting he got the hot girl from tech support to come into his office to find out why there is something wrong with his computer. She sits down, the boss puts on some Barry White and just waits for her to discover the monstropolous amount of porn he has on his machine. When she does he lets his fingers do the walking. Not that I have ever tried that (more than once).

These guys are leg freaks. In fact, from what I know about women and sex, I am pretty sure the couple on the right have gone beyond the realm of Sexual Harassment right into actual sexual intercourse. Look slike there's gonna be a little boss running around the office soon.

WHOA! Slow down there DEMI MOORE! To me this is an example of reverse-sexual harassment. Or what it might look like if it actually existed.

This is what happens if you sexually harass the wrong person, or even if you fail to sexually harass anyone. You get dirty looks like this. The girl on the right has just been sexually harassed, and surprise, she liked it. She is all "BOOM! I GOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! I GOT YOUR MAN!" to the girl in the center. But he made a mistake in NOT harassing the bitchy blonde first. If I were this guy, I'd be sure to share the harassment with ALL WOMEN in the office, or his balls might end up in a sling. So if a woman is watching you harass another woman, be sure to harass her too. Or else she'll think she's fat and spend her lunch hour vomiting in the women's room. Plus, her self esteem will be higher, causing her to perform better on the job.

Well, I hope you have learned a little something about sexual harassment. If not, I guess oyu can just do your own damn Google Search.

Poop

This is weird.

It isn't even June 6th Yet.

UHS email accounts

Let me know if you guys want any email accounts with the '@userhostilesoftware.com' tag. Just email me what username you want and I'll set it up. Also, let me highly recommend http://www.1and1.com/ for web hosting. They have a pretty sweet 'package' for $2.99/mo (in 6 month increments). You can tool around with your own website and add domain names when you want for $6 each/year. Fun shizzle.

The Road From WrestleMania

Josh Realizes Boyhood Dream, Makes It To WrestleMania
Reads WM recap on blog -- resulting smile found to be chronic, unremovable

[click on any of the images to see them full-size]



"BIG TIME" was the official subtitle for WreslteMania 22, using the Peter Gabriel song of the same name as its theme. A little weird, but it worked. It also accurately described the pricing for parking and concessions at the event.

For some reason the Allstate Arena looked way bigger for Mania than it did for most other events. Maybe it's because every last seat was sold and they had gigantic banners of everyone who was in a match at Wrestlemania 22 hanging from the ceiling all around the arena. To quote the guy from ESPN Classic, it "was an EPIC!!!!!!!" The crowd knew they were in the presence of greatness, and the atmosphere was electric as the lights went down and crushing pyrotechnics loud enough to kill the elderly from 200 yards away ushered us into the 22nd WRESTLEMANIA!!!!




The six-man Ladder Match (with the winner getting a World Title shot they can use anytime, anywhere) was definitely a highlight, producing one of the evening's three "HOLY SHIT!!!" chants when Shelton Benjamin balanched the ladder on the ropes, ran up it and hit a somersault plancha onto the crowd on the floor. As expected, this match was pretty much all big spots, with a RVD frog-splash from the top of the ladder, guys falling off ladders to the outside, and an AWESOME spot where Benjamin (again) jumped up from the outside and bounced off the top rope to land perfectly on the fourth rung of a ladder facing RVD, as RVD was climbing up for the briefcase.

Even Flair took a huge suplex from near the top of a ladder, after which they carried him off injured. He came back out a short time later, only to eventually fall asleep in the corner (he was down for what seemed like 5 minutes). RVD wins it. Big face reception for him after and during the match - there were lots of "R-V-D" and "E-C-W" chants.

2006 Hall of Fame induction ceremony was next. No Bret Hart, who was "uncomfortable participating in tonight's event". Josh gets another $7 beer.

JBL vs. Chris Benoit for the US title was only really notable for revealing that the entrance ramp was rigged to elevate, doing so to let JBL's limo (complete with bull horns on the hood) out to ringside. Match was just okay, but no one really cared too much either way since it was sandwiched in between the Ladder Match and the Hardcore Match between Edge & Mick Foley.

Mick's annual trip out of retirement to do something insane at Wrestlemania didn't disappoint, and provided several of the show's highlights. Let's just get this out of the way now - Edge speared Mick Foley off the ring apron through a flaming table to win the match. Okay, I feel better not holding that in. This obviously yielded the second (and loudest) "HOLY SHIT!!!" of the night. Plenty of blood, plenty of barbed wire (including a barbed wire Socko which bloodied both Edge AND Lita!), and plenty of tacks in Edge's back as he took a reverse backdrop onto a huge pile of them. Tons of "FO-LEY!!" and "Cactus Jack!!!" chants throughout the match as well.

They pummeled each other with Barbie (the baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, for anyone who doesn't know) throughout the match, and Mick took the usual "flying over the ring steps after smashing into them knees-first" spot which I still think is crazy. Another crazy spot was when Lita jumped on Foley's back, but he still ran towards the ropes and clotheslined Edge, sending all three over to the floor.

At the end, Foley stood on the apron soaking the table in lighter fluid, but before he can do anything else, Lita hits him in the knee with Barbie, grabs a lighter and starts the blaze!! Foley turns around just in time to meet the oncoming Edge - BOOM!!!!!!!



Big applause at the end for both guys, even though Edge won. As Foley walked up the ramp afterward, a big "Thank you Foley!!" chant started up... he seemed genuinely surprised and grateful to the crowd, and gave us a couple of "Bang-BANGs" before leaving.


Boogeyman vs. Booker T was next. I didn't get this match at all, and I have no idea how Boogeyman is even in the Federation. It's like stepping back in time to the early 90s with this one - imagine a cross between Papa Shango and one of the guys from Demolition, and that's a good start. Also, he carries around a huge clock, so I guess add a little bit of Flava Flav in there as well. His gimmick is that he eats worms and people are afraid of him. I'm not making this up. Booker T got killed in this match which was basically a wash.

Josh provided the best part of the match, which was to start chanting "WE WANT WORMS!!" Someone a few rows in front of us yelled back, "you already GOT worms". Josh: "Oh. I'VE GOT WORMS!! I'VE GOT WORMS!!!"


Next was the Women's Title match between Trish and newcomer Mickie James, who I'd never heard of before but is one of the best Divas to come along in a while. She and Trish put on one of the better Women's matches in recent memory, though the crowd was the most interesting part - by the end of the match, they HATED Trish (who was the face) and were cheering everything Mickie did to take Trish's belt, which she did.

The story was that Mickie (check out her WWE mini-site here) came into the Federation as an obsessed Trish fan, and after Trish told her to back off she snapped and started stalking her. Maybe it was a fresh face, maybe Mickie James played a great psycho (I didn't see any episodes of RAW leading up to WM), but by the time she stuck her hand in Trish's crotch, faced the crowd and licked her fingers, they were totally behind her. As Bret Hart was uncomfortable participating in the Hall of Fame ceremony, Josh and I were "uncomfortable standing up after the Women's Title match".

Next up, the lights drop and the bell tolls, which can only mean...



You can probably guess how this went. The main highlights of the match were Josh screaming out the following two things, both of which were timed to take advantage of bouts of relative silence in the crowd:

(after Henry bodyslams Taker) "okay, now BREAK HIS SPINE, MARK HENRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YEAH, EAT HIM MARK HENRY, EAT HIM ALL IN ONE BITE!!!!!!!!!!!"

After the second comment, the results of a short side discussion found us in agreement on the fact that the only way we could accept an Undertaker loss at WrestleMania would be if that actually happened, along with the vomiting of a half-digested Undertaker into the casket and the subsequent closing of the lid. Undertaker still has one of best entrances ever, and it was cool to see him continue his streak in person.


The Shawn Michaels vs. Vince match was preceded by a sketch with the whole McMahon family, in which they had the "first ever McMahon family prayer"... which Vince started with, "God - I don't like You, and You don't like me!" Then he says he's going to send God's favorite wrestler (HBK) to the fiery depths of hell. You can probably guess how this went, too. McMahon bleeds a lot, and loses after a HUGE spot in which Michaels elbow-dropped him through a table off a fifteen-foot ladder while Vince had a trash can over his head.

That was "HOLY SHIT!!!" #3... it was as good as it sounds, with a big pop for the DX chop that preceded it. Shawn originally brought out a six-foot ladder, and had it all set up, until he shook his head and threw it out of the ring, going back under the apron for the Jeff Hardy-strength ladder. Every time Shawn went outside for weapons, he sould punch Shane, who was handcuffed to the ropes after a failed interference attempt resulted him being beaten with his own kendo stick and chained to the ring.

Shawn chases off the EMTs that ran out after the big elbow, props up Vince and sends him off to meet Jesus with a Superkick at the 20-minute mark. I tried to get pictures of Shawn coming off the ladder, but they just didn't come out. As a consolation, enjoy this picture of Kane & Big Show's entrance from an earlier match which I didn't write about:




The World Title match with Kurt Angle, Randy Orton & Rey Mysterio was second-to-last... Mysterio came out wearing an Incan headdress for some reason. Good match, but not too many surprises, with Rey winning the title after a 6-1-9 and West Coast Pop on Orton. Crowd was into his win, but there were so many "Eddie" chants that you'd think Guerrero won it himself. Seemed to overshadow his win a little, but it got the crowd going, which primed us for the main event, Triple H vs. John Cena.


For a WM main event, it was largely uneventful, except for one thing - the crowd. The crowd MADE this match. They were absolutely RABID for this one, each guy's fans practically foaming at the mouth to outscream the other faction. Every "Let's Go Cena!" was answered with a louder "Cena SUCKS!!" (the crowd was about 80-20 in favor of HHH) or a "FUCK YOU CENA!!!" Even the thirteen-year old girl in front of me was in on the "FU" chants, which I changed into "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" during one exchange.

Triple H came out sort of dressed like Conan the Barbarian... he was on a throne and had a crown lined with a bunch of crosses. He also has NEW MUSIC, which invokes the "New Music" rule - whenever you get new music at a PPV, you ALWAYS go over... but wait!!! Stupidly, after the first minute of the new song, it reverts into his standard "all about The Game" song! What will become!!?! Cena comes out with an equally over-the-top entrance, dressed as a 20s gangster, complete with a fedora and tommy gun. It's all about Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Or is it all about The Game???

The crowd was all about The Game, and went fucking insane from the moment the bell rang. They were into EVERY punch, EVERY hold, EVERY move. Nothing went without a reaction. There were a few minutes at the beginning where Cena and HHH just circled each other, looking up into the crowd as we tore each other apart cheering back and forth. By the last third of the match, the whole place was standing - it was incredible. The music cue finally proved to be Triple H's undoing, as he tapped out to Cena and a seriously pissed off crowd after about 15 minutes. Proving once again that you don't fuck with either the New Tights or New Music rules.

The crowd filters out of building, but Josh and I stay, basking in the afterglow of WrestleMania as the ring crew takes apart the squared circle, until security tells us we have to leave the arena. Maybe we'll hear the same again thing in ten years, which is about how long it takes WrestleMania to come back to Chicago. Or will we hear it next year in Detroit, at WM23... Josh? Ken?? Ian???

Coming Now

Dear Mr. Not Ian Forbes, Esq.,
You got us all wrong. We love each of our viewers and would make love to every one of them if we could, but without knowing where everyone's been we just can't risk it. However, what we CAN do is point out that you were deceived by our company's clever rhetoric, in which we state that while pictures SHOULD have been ready on Wednesday, we never guaranteed it. Nor did we say they'd "definitely be ready". One of our sister companies already uses that slogan , to mixed reactions.

We understand that "should" is pretty much the legal equivalent of trickery, but that's just how we do it. I don't like it any more than you. For example, I SHOULD be marrying Evangeline Lilly, but I'm not. That guy who played a Hobbit is. The world is fucked up.

To help ease your mind, please accept the following sketch of stick-figure oral sex:

.O C===8
/|./

It took me a while to draw, so I hope you like it.

Thanks be to skanks,

"Red Hot" Stan Dallas
Editor, UGIJF

Coming Soon....

.....the new, DOMINANT force in P-Posse Entertainment!


Edit: I've started a wiki page HERE. You can register up in the upper left hand corner. I'll need to then give you admin rights, so shoot me an email after you register. The site has a whole bunch of stuff, you can even host pictures and things like that. I haven't even dug into half the stuff that it can do, so bear with me.

I was promised pictures, and said pictures were never delivered!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in regards to the pictures that were promised to me by a Mr. Josh Jones and a Mr. Kevin Hurley - both employees of your corporation. Please note that the date that the pictures were promised (April 3rd) and were supposed to be delivered (April 5th) have both past. Since the promise of delivery, there has been absolutely no correspondance relating to any delay in the posting of these pictures. As a paying customer to your website, I expect to at least be informed of any delays of service. I find this level of customer service to be extremely lacking, and I think that someone - anyone really should be taken to task for this aggregious error.

With that in mind, I propose that an employee of yours - Mr. Dan Bowers, be executed tomorrow at Noon. The form of execution shall be death by burrito and will take place at the St. Louis Taco Bell on the corner of Port and Main. Mr. Bowers will be force fed $1 bean burritos until his stomach can no longer fit its contents. After the burritos have killed and filled, we will then all feast on said burritos. 'We' meaning myself, Mr. Hurley and Mr. Jones. For we all must take part in the death of our great leader, Mr. Bowers. For without his brave leadership at several Semenars, Stella would have never gotten her groove back.

Sincerely,


(I am not) Mr. Ian Forbes Esq. Jr. Phd. CoC.

Happy Birthday Ian!

You put the "oo" in "Room 102". Or something. Hope you drinko'd while you viente-nuevo'd!

The Sobering Update

I do these things in spurts and so since Thursday, I've seen 6 movies. Just a reminder in case you've wondered if I've been banned from movie theaters yet.

Link to The Sobering Conclusion

And get them pics from Wreslemania up! I'm dying to see and read about what happened. I don't even know match results.