YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS!

I was recently gifted with a DVD copy of “Doomsday.”

Doomsday is the worst piece of garbage that has ever been committed to film. I would give it a bag a hammers, but at least you can use a hammer for something. It was so bad that I got up and walked out- and I was watching it at my apartment. As I fumed about wasting my time with this film I was determined that something good come out of this. Well, since Doomsday is a film that shamelessly plagiarizes from every other post apocalyptic film ever made (and some other films as well), it is the perfect vehicle to showcase

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS


We all know the stuff is going to hit the fan. Be it through War, Famine, or Plague Mother Earth is going to find a way to dwindle humanity’s numbers. But what if you are one of the lucky survivors? Do you think anyone is going to care that you can balance a checkbook or program an iPhone to do your laundry? Wrong move, fuckface. The following are the meek who will inherit the charred and stinking remains of earth, so get on board with these growing post apocalyptic careers!

1. Welder – Yup, welders. You wouldn’t think welders could be more in demand than they are right now. You would be wrong. Showers of sparks are the backbone of the grim industrial tone that permeates any post apocalyptic neighborhood. Showers of sparks that only be provided by your local welders union.

2. Tattoo Artists- Well, you just survived living in a bunker for 3 months waiting for the radiation to reach a tolerable level or for the virus to kill off all its hosts. The next step isn’t searching for supplies or restoring basic utilities. No way—it’s getting inked up, motherfucker. Because when humans start to rebuild, the Leadership Hierarchy will be determined by the quantity of ink lodged in your dermis. (On a side note, I find it funny to see how immaculately groomed this person is...for being some broad who is supposed to be tough as nails she obviously spent a long time at her hairdresser and manicurist).

3. Motorcycle Repair – By definition, every society post apocalypse has to have some crazy motorcyclists to harass intruders, jump stuff, and then wipe out in spectacular fashion. It seems to me that in reality most motorcyclists are pretty tough, while in the movies they are pantywaists who do nothing but get their asses kicked. Seriously, in the post apocalyptic world the motorcycle cavalry would lose to Glass Joe. It’s a good thing riders are retards and motorcycles don’t fix themselves. So, if you are well versed in motorcycle repair, you will never want for work.

4. Retarded Hairstylist- Uh oh! You got caught in the explosion, irradiated, and/or eaten by the plague. Now your IQ has been reduced by 75%. What service could you possibly provide to secure your place in the developing new economy? Well, you could cut hair. People don’t seem to be that particular in the future. Based on this picture, you caould also probably make some decent bucks selling mascara.

5. Cockroaches. Fuck you Neil Marshall.