New to cineplexes around the nation this week is “Sky High”. This film cutely answers the question: “What would the world be like if people had super powers and needed a place for their children to go to high school?” It is a solid family-friendly film that will keep the kids entertained and the adults won’t be silently praying to the deity of their choice for an hour and a half.
In “Sky High”, Michael Angarano plays Will, the son of the world’s two greatest super heroes, Commander Stronghold and Jetstream, played by Kurt Russell and Kelly Preston. Will is starting high school and begins to attend Sky High, where the children of super heroes go to learn how to use their powers.
There’s not too much really to say about this film. It’s a film for kids and people looking for a break from all the loud, explosion-ridden summer blockbusters. Bruce Campbell, Kevin Heffernan, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald and, Wonder Woman herself, Lynda Carter all add to the fun and good humor of the film.
The story is simple and predictable, but that’s okay in this kind of film because if you were looking for complex from a Disney film, you’re an idiot. The performances are good and the special effects are done well. While I wouldn’t consider the film a “can’t miss”, it’s worth your money for a weekend matinee show. (Though I prefer the late shows to keep the kids down to a minimum.)
A Disneyfied version of what the world would be like if there were super heroes, this film delivers everything it should. The casting was good, the plot was kept simple, and the fun was kept high. I give this film a strong 3 out of 5. I’d probably have a few cans of Old Style and keep the rest for when I get around to “Stealth”.
GET
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
The Sobering Conclusion: "Wedding Crashers"
Let’s get this out of the way. I hate weddings. I think it’s an antiquated concept that at this point in modern society could be done away with. Aside from the tax benefits, the “holy union” means about to me as the price of tea in China. With that out of the way, enter the newest Vince Vaughn – Owen Wilson buddy pic, “Wedding Crashers”.
Based upon the premise of two best friends who look at wedding season like Bostonians do spring training, this film was like a grapefruit lobbed to Tony Gwynn. There are a wealth of jokes and clichés available. And for the most part, this film was able to hit upon them.
The film works best when Vaughn and Wilson use their chemistry and familiarity with each other to show the audience that they’ve been crashing weddings for many years, and that they know all the tricks. Of course, the crux of the story is that there comes a wedding when sport sex becomes love. Where do they come up with these ideas? It’s like there’s a tree in Hollywood that’s labeled “original ideas”, only it’s been polluted by acid rain and it rarely produces any viable fruit.
This film is buoyed by its excellent supporting cast; Christopher Walken, Rachel McAdams, Jane Seymour, Isla Fisher and a surprise cast member sure to elicit a laugh or two from most audiences (I won't ruin it for you). McAdams does a good job of being vulnerable, innocent and enchanting all at the same time. Seymour should have a new series coming out soon: Dr. Quinn, Plastic Surgery Girl (the film will explain that one). And of course, anything Christopher Walken does is gold. He could read the phone book, and we’d either laugh or cower because of it.
As the film gets underway, after a much too long montage of crashed weddings, Wilson becomes smitten with McAdams and enlists Vaughn to be his wingman and help him get the girl. Hilarity ensues. Or at least, hilarity ensues over the next hour and a half. There are two main problems with this film – It’s too long (a minute shy of 2 hours) and the pacing is all over the place.
Most films like this have an absurd comic beginning, something heartfelt happens, the protagonist screws it up and has to do some soul searching, the film earns its happy ending. In the middle of that very simple plot design, “Crashers” manages to do the ‘screw up – soul searching’ thing a couple more times, leaving the audience feeling all 2 hours of the film. Don’t read too much negativity into the review, this film is funny. It’s definitely worth a rental, or a matinee showing. Better yet, break out that college ID from 10 years ago and get a student price for the late show. But this film falls just short of earning a place with some of the more memorable comedies of the last couple of years.
If you need a chuckle, this is about the only true comedy around (some of the other funny ones on screen right now were meant to be thrilling or dramatic – sorry Michael Bay). Grab a couple of your buddies, or maybe even a date if you’ve got the mojo, and check out “Wedding Crashers”. I’m gonna give it a 3 out of 5, and maybe split the six-pack of Old Style with some friends.
Based upon the premise of two best friends who look at wedding season like Bostonians do spring training, this film was like a grapefruit lobbed to Tony Gwynn. There are a wealth of jokes and clichés available. And for the most part, this film was able to hit upon them.
The film works best when Vaughn and Wilson use their chemistry and familiarity with each other to show the audience that they’ve been crashing weddings for many years, and that they know all the tricks. Of course, the crux of the story is that there comes a wedding when sport sex becomes love. Where do they come up with these ideas? It’s like there’s a tree in Hollywood that’s labeled “original ideas”, only it’s been polluted by acid rain and it rarely produces any viable fruit.
This film is buoyed by its excellent supporting cast; Christopher Walken, Rachel McAdams, Jane Seymour, Isla Fisher and a surprise cast member sure to elicit a laugh or two from most audiences (I won't ruin it for you). McAdams does a good job of being vulnerable, innocent and enchanting all at the same time. Seymour should have a new series coming out soon: Dr. Quinn, Plastic Surgery Girl (the film will explain that one). And of course, anything Christopher Walken does is gold. He could read the phone book, and we’d either laugh or cower because of it.
As the film gets underway, after a much too long montage of crashed weddings, Wilson becomes smitten with McAdams and enlists Vaughn to be his wingman and help him get the girl. Hilarity ensues. Or at least, hilarity ensues over the next hour and a half. There are two main problems with this film – It’s too long (a minute shy of 2 hours) and the pacing is all over the place.
Most films like this have an absurd comic beginning, something heartfelt happens, the protagonist screws it up and has to do some soul searching, the film earns its happy ending. In the middle of that very simple plot design, “Crashers” manages to do the ‘screw up – soul searching’ thing a couple more times, leaving the audience feeling all 2 hours of the film. Don’t read too much negativity into the review, this film is funny. It’s definitely worth a rental, or a matinee showing. Better yet, break out that college ID from 10 years ago and get a student price for the late show. But this film falls just short of earning a place with some of the more memorable comedies of the last couple of years.
If you need a chuckle, this is about the only true comedy around (some of the other funny ones on screen right now were meant to be thrilling or dramatic – sorry Michael Bay). Grab a couple of your buddies, or maybe even a date if you’ve got the mojo, and check out “Wedding Crashers”. I’m gonna give it a 3 out of 5, and maybe split the six-pack of Old Style with some friends.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
The Sobering Conclusion: " Charlie & The Chocolate Factory"
I finally got around to the quasi-anticipated “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. It looks as if I could have waited a lot more. To be fair, I never read the book and it is my understanding this movie is an adaptation of that, not of the earlier version “Willy Wonka”, which had been lambasted by the Dahl family for getting it wrong. Unfortunately, while they may be right, the Gene Wilder version is far more engaging.
Also going against this film is my general neutrality on Tim Burton films. I don’t go all crazy about his films like those Goth kids you didn’t hang out with in high school. And though I don’t want to ruin the surprise, the cast does include Helena Bonham Carter. I don’t know how Burton is able to convince her to be in all his films. (Yes I’m kidding, smell the sarcasm).
That’s not to say the film was all bad. I was emboldened during the opening credits because the screenplay was done by John August, whose credits don’t seem all that spectacular, but he does a great Q&A section on IMDB and wrote “Go” (a personal favorite). The set design was amazing and Freddie Highmore was a great Charlie, far better than the original. The children were all done well, though how anyone can hope to live up to the original Veruca Salt is beyond me. There’s also a great cameo by Missi Pyle, who never ceases to make me laugh.
Oddly, perhaps the best and worst thing in the film was Johnny Depp. Depp was able to keep me entertained with his odd and silly quips, but at the same time I felt no empathy for his character. About halfway through, I was just hoping the film would end because I was bored and could probably find something else to do. Part of that could be blamed on the fact that I thought I knew how the movie ended. And while the film fleshed out Wonka’s background more, I can’t say that I cared.
One of the most annoying things is that the Oompa Loompas are not as fun and the songs, while apparently direct from the book, are less inspired. With Burton's help, they seemed like overproduced Grammy presentations. While I liked Deep Roy as an Oompa Loompa, I didn’t like that he was ALL of the Oompa Loompas. This cuts close to my overuse of digital technology jag, so I’ll just leave it at that.
In the end, I appreciated the set design and Freddie Highmore was very good. The movie as a whole is something I could have done without and I’m suddenly feeling the urge to watch “Willy Wonka” to clear my head. I’m going to give the film a 3 out of 5. I enjoyed it more like a film with a lesser rating, but I can’t say the film wasn’t made well. I just didn’t want to watch it after about 30 minutes. The six-pack of Old Style is a must, but maybe a chaser of limoncello would help out.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Drunks,Vomiting Teenagers, and I think I forgot something....
AKA - After the Corrosion of Conformity concert @ House Of Blues Chicago - 7-21-05
So after Kevin and I jogged to Union Station (or is it 'yogged', perhaps it's a silent j), Kevin was lucky enough to have a 10:40 train. Unfortunately, my train was at 10:30 - too late. But, lucky for me, during the week there is an 11:40, so it wasn't too bad. What I discovered, while sitting on a bench waiting for my train, is that THURSDAY night is the FREAKIEST night to take the train. Now, I've been on the train on FRIDAY night, and SATURDAY night, and even SUNDAY night. You would think on those days, things would get crazy. Instead, yesterday was definitely the oddest time I had taking the train ever.
Let's start off with a man in his late 40's. I first see him sprawled out (and passed out) on the bench, waiting for the train I guess. Eventually the guy sits up. At some point I see a spot open up on the bench, so I go for it...there's still a good amount of time before the train comes in, might as well get comfy. After a few minutes, this guy gets up and stumbles over to the stairs. On the stairs are two women, waiting for the train as well. I don't think the guy actually said anything to these women, but he stood there. Then he made his way to two women that were sitting on the floor underneath the Track 8 sign that usually gives you the info about the train. It was blank. The man proceeds to walk RIGHT UP to these girls and stands there, staring at the blank sign. Eventually he stumbles his way back on the bench next to me. He looks at me for about five seconds, and then mutters - in what I can only translate in text as - "MMWELKFMEWMMFMMBBMMBM...WHENISTHETTRAINCOMINGLNGMGM.M?". So I say: "What?". He replies: "mmmMMBMBMBWhen is the train?". I tell him that the train starts boarding at 11:30 (something that is clearly posted on the big departure board). I shit you not, not even 10 minutes later, the guy looks at me and says: "MMBMBMMBMBMMMBMMBMMMMMMmmmmmWhat time is the train coming?!?" Again, I reply: "11:30". At that point, he grunts, gets up and walks away....I'm not even sure if he ever got on the train. Now, keep in mind, this wasn't a bum, this guy was in a polo and khakis - but he was clearly shit-faced.
Moving on, let's get to drunk number two. Now, this guy is probably in his 60's, and he's the stereotypical wrinkly old fat drunk. In his hand he is carrying ONE can of Miller Lite, wrapped up in a plastic grocery bag. This must have been beer number 24. This guy is TOTALLY mumbling drunk. He sits next to the guy next to me...well, really he almost falls into his lap. So the guy next to me is clearly disgusted, because he's this clean cut business dude. The drunk guy is just making conversation, and at one point practically sticks the leftover beer in the guys face and asks him if he wants a beer. Then, this drunk gets up and walks to the girls that are sitting under the track 8 sign and harasses them for a bit. While he is up, this one blonde sees that there's an opening on the bench (she didn't notice our friend was sitting there). So she goes to sit down and finds the wrapped-up beer. She asks the guy next to me, in a VERY disgusted voice "Is this HIS?!?" (referring to our friend), the man says yes. Seeing that his seat has been taken, the drunk stumbles back over to us, and in the most pathetic way starts going "ohhh man...noooo......MAMMBMBMBMmmmbmbmbbmbm" He stands and threatens to squeeze on the bench with this chick, then somehow thinks the wiser and goes to the bench on the other side - where he almost sits on another chick's lap - and starts a most unwelcome situation with.
FINALLY, the train comes. I get on and sit down in one of the single seats upstairs. I look down and notice these two girls that I had noticed earlier. They were two girls, one short, the other tall, and I could have sworn they were in high school (although I'm old now, so I don't recognize college girls anymore). They were walking around union station....back and forth, back and forth the entire time we were waiting for the train. It seemed to me that the short girl was supporting the other girl the entire time, but I wasn't quite sure what was going on. Anyway, back on the train, I notice that the taller girl must have been drunk, as she was leaning back with her head in her hand. I overhear the short girl on the phone: "...Mrs. (name garbled), we're on the train now.....blah blah blah"....someone was obviously in trouble. While I was chuckling at their innocent stupidity, the tall girl gets up, and amidst people walking past her to get on the train, begins to vomit in the garbage can. The sound was music to my ears after drinking a bunch of beers and jogging most of a mile, let me tell ya.
So did the adventure end there you ask?
Not really.
As I was arriving to Union this morning, I remembered something. We paid our bill, but the waitress never gave me my card back. So now I have to go back to Howl today and pick it up. And they don't open til 5pm. PISSER! Good news is, I checked my account, and apparently none of the workers took the card out last night and partied at my expense.
What a night. I guess we truly can't control what happens around us. It's 'in the Arms Of God'.
So after Kevin and I jogged to Union Station (or is it 'yogged', perhaps it's a silent j), Kevin was lucky enough to have a 10:40 train. Unfortunately, my train was at 10:30 - too late. But, lucky for me, during the week there is an 11:40, so it wasn't too bad. What I discovered, while sitting on a bench waiting for my train, is that THURSDAY night is the FREAKIEST night to take the train. Now, I've been on the train on FRIDAY night, and SATURDAY night, and even SUNDAY night. You would think on those days, things would get crazy. Instead, yesterday was definitely the oddest time I had taking the train ever.
Let's start off with a man in his late 40's. I first see him sprawled out (and passed out) on the bench, waiting for the train I guess. Eventually the guy sits up. At some point I see a spot open up on the bench, so I go for it...there's still a good amount of time before the train comes in, might as well get comfy. After a few minutes, this guy gets up and stumbles over to the stairs. On the stairs are two women, waiting for the train as well. I don't think the guy actually said anything to these women, but he stood there. Then he made his way to two women that were sitting on the floor underneath the Track 8 sign that usually gives you the info about the train. It was blank. The man proceeds to walk RIGHT UP to these girls and stands there, staring at the blank sign. Eventually he stumbles his way back on the bench next to me. He looks at me for about five seconds, and then mutters - in what I can only translate in text as - "MMWELKFMEWMMFMMBBMMBM..
Moving on, let's get to drunk number two. Now, this guy is probably in his 60's, and he's the stereotypical wrinkly old fat drunk. In his hand he is carrying ONE can of Miller Lite, wrapped up in a plastic grocery bag. This must have been beer number 24. This guy is TOTALLY mumbling drunk. He sits next to the guy next to me...well, really he almost falls into his lap. So the guy next to me is clearly disgusted, because he's this clean cut business dude. The drunk guy is just making conversation, and at one point practically sticks the leftover beer in the guys face and asks him if he wants a beer. Then, this drunk gets up and walks to the girls that are sitting under the track 8 sign and harasses them for a bit. While he is up, this one blonde sees that there's an opening on the bench (she didn't notice our friend was sitting there). So she goes to sit down and finds the wrapped-up beer. She asks the guy next to me, in a VERY disgusted voice "Is this HIS?!?" (referring to our friend), the man says yes. Seeing that his seat has been taken, the drunk stumbles back over to us, and in the most pathetic way starts going "ohhh man...noooo......MAMMBMBMBMmmmb
FINALLY, the train comes. I get on and sit down in one of the single seats upstairs. I look down and notice these two girls that I had noticed earlier. They were two girls, one short, the other tall, and I could have sworn they were in high school (although I'm old now, so I don't recognize college girls anymore). They were walking around union station....back and forth, back and forth the entire time we were waiting for the train. It seemed to me that the short girl was supporting the other girl the entire time, but I wasn't quite sure what was going on. Anyway, back on the train, I notice that the taller girl must have been drunk, as she was leaning back with her head in her hand. I overhear the short girl on the phone: "...Mrs. (name garbled), we're on the train now.....blah blah blah"....someone was obviously in trouble. While I was chuckling at their innocent stupidity, the tall girl gets up, and amidst people walking past her to get on the train, begins to vomit in the garbage can. The sound was music to my ears after drinking a bunch of beers and jogging most of a mile, let me tell ya.
So did the adventure end there you ask?
Not really.
As I was arriving to Union this morning, I remembered something. We paid our bill, but the waitress never gave me my card back. So now I have to go back to Howl today and pick it up. And they don't open til 5pm. PISSER! Good news is, I checked my account, and apparently none of the workers took the card out last night and partied at my expense.
What a night. I guess we truly can't control what happens around us. It's 'in the Arms Of God'.
Animation Isolation: Family Guy Stands Alone
Well, since the Simpsons were re-runs and I think American Dad was too, that left Family Guy to brighten Sunday night. It was an ok episode, enough to keep me amused but nothing spectacular. Here come my favorite quotes, I'm eager to hear more comments from the central coast ...
"And the Grammy goes to ... Justin Timberlake (thud). No, the Grammy goes to Nelly ... Nelly."
"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."
"Fuck you, that's who works here!"
"I'd like to make a caramel colored baby with you."
"Thanks for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk."
And I loved the Erik Estrada poster in Lois' childhood bedroom.
"And the Grammy goes to ... Justin Timberlake (thud). No, the Grammy goes to Nelly ... Nelly."
"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."
"Fuck you, that's who works here!"
"I'd like to make a caramel colored baby with you."
"Thanks for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk."
And I loved the Erik Estrada poster in Lois' childhood bedroom.
Friday, July 22, 2005
The Sobering Conclusion: "Me, You and Everyone We Know"
In “Me, You and Everyone We Know”, writer/director/star Miranda July presents a tale of love and family that can only be summed up in one word: quirky. John Hawkes stars as Richard, a newly separated father of two who is trying to find something amazing in his life. July plays Christine, a lonely wannabe-artist who drives cabs for the elderly and does not seem to have any family, aside from one of her clients.
Christine and Richard meet in the department store he works at and she quickly begins pursuing him, while he is still sorting out what it means to be separated. Richard’s two children basically take care of themselves and have a very funny subplot about Internet sex chats. Let me put it this way, the youngest boy, about 8 or 9, writes to someone on the Internet – “I want to poop back and forth”. Wait till you hear what that means.
This movie has a very strange but warm sense of heart. At first, you’re not sure to take this as a drama or a comedy. In the end, I think I saw it as a slice of life, full of absurd moments. And as strange and quirky as the movie was, I ended up rooting for the different characters. Between the weirdness and all-too-neatly woven subplots, the characters grew on me.
If you like independent cinema, this is for you. If quirky, oddly-motivated characters annoy you, go check out something at the multi-plex. I’d say take a pull off that 6 liter bottle of chuckpucker because this gets a 4 out of 5 from me.
Christine and Richard meet in the department store he works at and she quickly begins pursuing him, while he is still sorting out what it means to be separated. Richard’s two children basically take care of themselves and have a very funny subplot about Internet sex chats. Let me put it this way, the youngest boy, about 8 or 9, writes to someone on the Internet – “I want to poop back and forth”. Wait till you hear what that means.
This movie has a very strange but warm sense of heart. At first, you’re not sure to take this as a drama or a comedy. In the end, I think I saw it as a slice of life, full of absurd moments. And as strange and quirky as the movie was, I ended up rooting for the different characters. Between the weirdness and all-too-neatly woven subplots, the characters grew on me.
If you like independent cinema, this is for you. If quirky, oddly-motivated characters annoy you, go check out something at the multi-plex. I’d say take a pull off that 6 liter bottle of chuckpucker because this gets a 4 out of 5 from me.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
THE INITIAL REACTION: HUSTLE AND FLOW
I am interested in how my initial reactions will stack up with HH's Sobering Conclusions. I will start with Hustle and Flow. I know next to nothing about this movie except what can be deduced from paying half ass attention to a trailer as I cooked dinner. I believe it involves a Black Pimp, a White Hooker, and Rap Music, so I hope you are ready to see some stereotypes. I am sure the black pimp will at some point eat some Fried Chicken, drink a 40, slap his ho, and spit out some watermelon seeds. I don't say this to sound racist, just to make the point that they are really going over the top with some hackneyed and derogatory stereotypes. Keeping in mind I know nothing about this movie. I am sure there will be at least 1 confrontation with a corrupt and racial profiling white police force. At least 3 people will be killed by gun violence. Santa Claus will not appear in the film. There will be a reference to a quote by either Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr, or terrence Trent D'arby. The Hooker has a "Heart of gold." I will need a Keg of Hangover inducing, Ragu Bomb manufacturing Fosters in order to enjoy it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I, STARSCREAM, AM YOUR NEW LEADER
Megatron has fallen! Now, Decepticons, follow me and I will lead us to victory! Here are my plans for destroying the Autobots, maximizing energon production, and conquering Earth & Cybertron.
1. You, Ramjet...take some goddamn shooting lessons!
2. Soundwave, noone is going to believe you are a friggin tape deck. It's 2005, try transforming into an iPod or something.
3. We need some new things for Decepticons to transform into. Like a stapler. Or a floodlight. Maybe a refrigerator with the ice cube tray right in the door . That would be awesome.
4. The Autobots will surrender and return peaceably to cybertron to serve their Decepticon masters, or I will release the "Optimus Prime Sex Tape". You'll never look at Bumblebee the same.
5. 'Enemy swap' with Cobra Commander.
1. You, Ramjet...take some goddamn shooting lessons!
2. Soundwave, noone is going to believe you are a friggin tape deck. It's 2005, try transforming into an iPod or something.
3. We need some new things for Decepticons to transform into. Like a stapler. Or a floodlight. Maybe a refrigerator with the ice cube tray right in the door . That would be awesome.
4. The Autobots will surrender and return peaceably to cybertron to serve their Decepticon masters, or I will release the "Optimus Prime Sex Tape". You'll never look at Bumblebee the same.
5. 'Enemy swap' with Cobra Commander.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Animation Domination: week who's counting
I'll let you guys handle remembering all the quotes. I'm too busy still laughing about Peter asking Joe to close his eyes while he gets the gift Lois 'bought' him. Then out comes the air horn and voila!
Reminded me of the time Squatch got his photo taken ... ahh, memories.
P.S. If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.
P.P.S. I love the Neverending Story.
Reminded me of the time Squatch got his photo taken ... ahh, memories.
P.S. If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.
P.P.S. I love the Neverending Story.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The Sobering Conclusion: Star Wars R.O.T.S.
Yeah, it's old but still out there in the googleplexes. It just took me a while to gather myself for this one. And so ...
It probably can’t be a good thing that my thoughts about “Star Wars Episode III” were, ‘I can’t wait for this movie to come out so it can suck and I can have closure’. Episodes I and II were huge disappointments, making a mockery of the earlier films that captured the imagination of sci-fi fans and regular folks alike. With these last three, all of the spirit had been sapped away, as if Lucas couldn’t make up his mind whether he was making a film for kids or adults, toeing the line by developing a darker storyline but also bringing Jar Jar Binks to fruition. Am I the only one who would rather have seen Howard the Duck in that role. Stupid Jar Jar (Mee-sah so annoyed).
In any case, with no expectations going into the last of the new series, I actually was pleasantly surprised … mostly. For the first hour and a half, I was enjoying the film. Then Franken-Vader came on screen, clumsily busting loose of his restraints and crying out like his dog had just died. In that moment, Darth Vader became about as menacing as Pauly Shore. Hayden Christensen should have been replaced for this last film. In Episode II, his character is supposed to be a whiny, petulant teenager. Christensen is great at that. But by this film, Anakin Skywalker is supposed to be headed to manhood, not acting like Mommy wouldn’t buy him a new bike. At this point of the story arc, Anakin needed an actor who could both show his unconditional love for Padme and carry off rage. Sorry, Hayden, that’s not you.
Speaking of Padme, poor Natalie Portman was left adrift in a sea of insipid dialogue and ridiculous fashion sense. Forced to utter such ninth-grade drivel as “Hold me like you did on Naboo” and “You’re breaking my heart”, she becomes not much more than a very attractive set piece. I hope she got paid mucho dinero for these three, because her performances broke my heart and now I need someone to hold me.
Ian McDiarmid was the lone bright spot, portraying a classic bad guy, bent on universal domination. Also, Ewan McGregor was fairly solid, though his character didn’t have much to do but follow Anakin around and eventually beat the snot out of him. Oops, did I spoil the ending? Good. The rest of the supporting cast ranged from pretty good (Jimmy Smits) to just plain stupid (Samuel L. Jackson), with none of the blame falling on them in my opinion. Even the best Formula 1 driver needs tires to win a race.
And don’t even get me started on digital Yoda. It was like watching one of those commercials where they have Frank Astaire vacuuming on the ceiling. I felt like someone had robbed a grave or something. Yoda had no soul in these films. Just because Lucas wanted him to have the fighting style of a Rheesus monkey on PCP doesn’t mean he couldn’t have use a puppet once in a while. (Sadly, the puppet was also more believable.)
Yoda’s flaws bring about a key problem with the film - the severe overuse of C.G.I. (as with the last 2 films as well). What made the opening scene in the original “Star Wars” so great was that the ships had a tangible mass to them. They felt at least a little real, whereas even the best computer graphics are still not much more than very good moving paintings, devoid of weight, floating on the screen.
The story to this film was ok, but as mentioned in regards to Portman, the dialogue is tremendously bad. Any Junior High School English teacher would give Lucas an F and bring in his parents for a meeting. It’s too bad no one was able to convince Lucas to hand over his story ideas to a real screenwriter and let someone else sit in the director’s chair. If he had, there was the potential to make three very exciting films. But his need to keep control over all things in a galaxy far, far away left fans feeling gipped all over Earth.
I only wanted three things with this film - closure, Natalie Portman and Jar Jar’s head on a pike. 2 out of 3 will have to do. And a 2 is what this film rates from me. Thank goodness I was able to Jedi mind-trick the theatre manager into letting me take in this keg of Foster’s. I needed it.
It probably can’t be a good thing that my thoughts about “Star Wars Episode III” were, ‘I can’t wait for this movie to come out so it can suck and I can have closure’. Episodes I and II were huge disappointments, making a mockery of the earlier films that captured the imagination of sci-fi fans and regular folks alike. With these last three, all of the spirit had been sapped away, as if Lucas couldn’t make up his mind whether he was making a film for kids or adults, toeing the line by developing a darker storyline but also bringing Jar Jar Binks to fruition. Am I the only one who would rather have seen Howard the Duck in that role. Stupid Jar Jar (Mee-sah so annoyed).
In any case, with no expectations going into the last of the new series, I actually was pleasantly surprised … mostly. For the first hour and a half, I was enjoying the film. Then Franken-Vader came on screen, clumsily busting loose of his restraints and crying out like his dog had just died. In that moment, Darth Vader became about as menacing as Pauly Shore. Hayden Christensen should have been replaced for this last film. In Episode II, his character is supposed to be a whiny, petulant teenager. Christensen is great at that. But by this film, Anakin Skywalker is supposed to be headed to manhood, not acting like Mommy wouldn’t buy him a new bike. At this point of the story arc, Anakin needed an actor who could both show his unconditional love for Padme and carry off rage. Sorry, Hayden, that’s not you.
Speaking of Padme, poor Natalie Portman was left adrift in a sea of insipid dialogue and ridiculous fashion sense. Forced to utter such ninth-grade drivel as “Hold me like you did on Naboo” and “You’re breaking my heart”, she becomes not much more than a very attractive set piece. I hope she got paid mucho dinero for these three, because her performances broke my heart and now I need someone to hold me.
Ian McDiarmid was the lone bright spot, portraying a classic bad guy, bent on universal domination. Also, Ewan McGregor was fairly solid, though his character didn’t have much to do but follow Anakin around and eventually beat the snot out of him. Oops, did I spoil the ending? Good. The rest of the supporting cast ranged from pretty good (Jimmy Smits) to just plain stupid (Samuel L. Jackson), with none of the blame falling on them in my opinion. Even the best Formula 1 driver needs tires to win a race.
And don’t even get me started on digital Yoda. It was like watching one of those commercials where they have Frank Astaire vacuuming on the ceiling. I felt like someone had robbed a grave or something. Yoda had no soul in these films. Just because Lucas wanted him to have the fighting style of a Rheesus monkey on PCP doesn’t mean he couldn’t have use a puppet once in a while. (Sadly, the puppet was also more believable.)
Yoda’s flaws bring about a key problem with the film - the severe overuse of C.G.I. (as with the last 2 films as well). What made the opening scene in the original “Star Wars” so great was that the ships had a tangible mass to them. They felt at least a little real, whereas even the best computer graphics are still not much more than very good moving paintings, devoid of weight, floating on the screen.
The story to this film was ok, but as mentioned in regards to Portman, the dialogue is tremendously bad. Any Junior High School English teacher would give Lucas an F and bring in his parents for a meeting. It’s too bad no one was able to convince Lucas to hand over his story ideas to a real screenwriter and let someone else sit in the director’s chair. If he had, there was the potential to make three very exciting films. But his need to keep control over all things in a galaxy far, far away left fans feeling gipped all over Earth.
I only wanted three things with this film - closure, Natalie Portman and Jar Jar’s head on a pike. 2 out of 3 will have to do. And a 2 is what this film rates from me. Thank goodness I was able to Jedi mind-trick the theatre manager into letting me take in this keg of Foster’s. I needed it.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
The Sobering Conclusion: "Mr. & Mrs. Smith"
I saw this weeks ago but figured it deserved a review since it’s still in theatres somehow. In “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie play a married couple, who are both assassins. But, and here’s the good part, they don’t know they’re BOTH assassins! Where does Hollywood come up with these ideas! No, seriously. I want to know. I have some extra military ordinance to “dispose” of.
That’s not to say this film isn’t entertaining at times. Pitt and Angelina have great chemistry, and as shown by their multiple vacations in Africa, it’s not just an act. Vince Vaughn provided some nice comic relief, but it’s hard to say if they used too little or too much of him. A thought I don’t want to ponder since it seems pointless. William Fichtner provides the voice of the therapist, sparking my little brain with hope, but he gets no screen time and I get no satisfaction. A decent supporting cast of Adam Brody, Kerry Washington, Michelle Monaghan and Keith David could have added a lot more flair to this film, but I suppose sticking to the planned script seemed more important that utilizing the resources this film had to draw upon once principle photography started.
Director Doug Liman has impressed me with his body of work up until this point, with “Swingers”, “Go”, and “The Bourne Identity”. While the cast is well chosen and the idea could have been a slam-dunk, this film falls short.
The film spends entirely too much time building up their “normal” lives, and it isn’t until Mr. and Mrs. Smith figure out the truth that the fun really begins. Once they discover the other is a rival, though, it seems both sides want them dead. So, naturally, they go on the run. Think “Deadlock” only with better chase sequences, and try to save their marriage at the same time.
Liman delivers some good action, but many of the scenes were so unbelievable that I began to hope Pitt and Jolie would die in a blaze of glory, sort of a “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” for the new millennium. No luck there, though. To give you an idea how disturbingly lucky the two are, at one point they are surrounded by trained gunmen and they stay put in the middle, shooting each of the attackers while only catching rare bullets, mostly in their bullet-proof vests. If I were going to become a mercenary, I would take Headshots 101 as part of my curriculum. Just a thought.
“Mr. & Mrs. Smith” is probably more of a rental than a must-see in the theatres. And with its PG-13 rating, Angelina Jolie fans are better off finding a copy of “Gia” or getting the uncut version of “Taking Lives”. I think you know what I mean.
This is one of those films that might get better with a sequel, now that the introductions have been made for the audience. But that doesn’t mean I’m hoping “Mr. & Mrs. Smith : The Second Honeymoon” happens. Another 6-pack of Old Style, bartender. A 3 out of 5.
That’s not to say this film isn’t entertaining at times. Pitt and Angelina have great chemistry, and as shown by their multiple vacations in Africa, it’s not just an act. Vince Vaughn provided some nice comic relief, but it’s hard to say if they used too little or too much of him. A thought I don’t want to ponder since it seems pointless. William Fichtner provides the voice of the therapist, sparking my little brain with hope, but he gets no screen time and I get no satisfaction. A decent supporting cast of Adam Brody, Kerry Washington, Michelle Monaghan and Keith David could have added a lot more flair to this film, but I suppose sticking to the planned script seemed more important that utilizing the resources this film had to draw upon once principle photography started.
Director Doug Liman has impressed me with his body of work up until this point, with “Swingers”, “Go”, and “The Bourne Identity”. While the cast is well chosen and the idea could have been a slam-dunk, this film falls short.
The film spends entirely too much time building up their “normal” lives, and it isn’t until Mr. and Mrs. Smith figure out the truth that the fun really begins. Once they discover the other is a rival, though, it seems both sides want them dead. So, naturally, they go on the run. Think “Deadlock” only with better chase sequences, and try to save their marriage at the same time.
Liman delivers some good action, but many of the scenes were so unbelievable that I began to hope Pitt and Jolie would die in a blaze of glory, sort of a “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” for the new millennium. No luck there, though. To give you an idea how disturbingly lucky the two are, at one point they are surrounded by trained gunmen and they stay put in the middle, shooting each of the attackers while only catching rare bullets, mostly in their bullet-proof vests. If I were going to become a mercenary, I would take Headshots 101 as part of my curriculum. Just a thought.
“Mr. & Mrs. Smith” is probably more of a rental than a must-see in the theatres. And with its PG-13 rating, Angelina Jolie fans are better off finding a copy of “Gia” or getting the uncut version of “Taking Lives”. I think you know what I mean.
This is one of those films that might get better with a sequel, now that the introductions have been made for the audience. But that doesn’t mean I’m hoping “Mr. & Mrs. Smith : The Second Honeymoon” happens. Another 6-pack of Old Style, bartender. A 3 out of 5.
The Sobering Conclusion: "The Island"
Ahhh, preview screenings. There’s nothing to get you in a better mood to watch a film than some serious guys in suits telling everyone to turn off all electronic devices, because you’ll be escorted from the theatre if you do, and then announcing, “It’s a good film, it’s very … loud.”
And with “The Island”, director Michael Bay has crafted another film full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. If you get that literary reference, you’re probably watching Michael Bay movies to give your brain some time to cool off between thoughts. Not to say that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I think it’s safe to say that his movies are not meant to challenge your belief systems.
In the movie, Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson play clones, (though, of course, they don't know that) bred to provide replacement parts for their “sponsors”. Sean Bean is the doctor behind it all, trying to engineer a longer lifespan for all the wealthy clients who can afford their own genetically-matched organ re-supply depot. Djimon Hounsou plays an ex-Delta Force mercenary, hired to capture Macgregor and Johansson upon their inevitable escape. Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan round out Bay’s usual suspects in supporting roles.
The clone colony (which is more like a Simi Valley replica, I think I counted 4 minorities) is led to believe that the Earth has suffered a catastrophic contamination event, and now only their hi-tech would-be apartment complex keeps them from becoming sick and dying out in the real world. But, there is still one safe haven on Earth: the island - where upon winning the lottery, clones are sent to live in paradise. Of course, in reality, winning the lottery means their sponsor needs a liver and it’s time to cut up their “insurance policy”.
Once out in the real world, we get 10 minutes of McGregor and Johansson learning how to act in society, a la an alien landing on Earth, and then Hounsou and his fellow mercs start an all-out war in 2019 Los Angeles to get them back. Countless cars are destroyed on the same freeway used in "The Matrix:Reloaded", and little regard is given to the LAPD’s safety, with the chase ending up on the logo of a skyscraper in downtown L.A. As seen in all the trailers, the logo falls off and our heroes plunge towards terra firma.
Through the magic of C.G. and the luck of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in “Twister”, Johansson and McGregor survive and concoct a plan to not only save themselves, but all the other clones still in their paradise prison. Almost as unbelievable as their death-defying antics, is that in just 15 years, L.A. will have mass-transit and most of the cars in Southern California won't be from Japan. I spotted a Honda Element parked in a garage, but everything else was either Chrysler or a Cadillac, with a Hummer thrown in for good measure.
In any case, as far as Michael Bay films, go, this could have gone worse. He’ll probably never top “The Rock” but this is no “Pearl Harbor”. The story is unoriginal, but McGregor and Johansson are a far better duo than Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler, so at least you didn’t want to strangle the main characters for 2 hours.
The dialogue is far from inspiring. Lines such as “The island is real. It’s us” and “I can tell when you’re lying because your mouth smiles but your eyes don’t” make me want to harm small animals and children. And while the audience is being treated to the utopian society the clones live in, we get wannabe-futuristic quips like “Watch your proximity” and the fashion sense of a Nike store. Since some of the cloning processes reminded me so much of “Demolition Man” meets “The Matrix”, I was hoping at one point that people would greet each other with a non-contact high five, or maybe a Keanu Reeves-like “Whoa”. But alas, this movie has robbed me of that as well.
All of the quintessential Bay trademarks are present, such as “shaky cam” to make the action seem so real, the camera shots taken from shoe level to make the characters and surroundings seem so immense, and, of course, the “Hero Shot”. The Hero Shot is when Bay circles the characters / landscapes with the camera, combined with dramatic music, to give the audience a sense of awe about the scene. My running tally counted 10 Hero Shots, with 1 more Super Hero Shot, where the camera did multiple circles. Each time, I was giddy with excitement because why build a movie with substance and intelligence, when you can just move the camera around in interesting and grandiose ways to fool the audience into thinking they are watching something poetic.
In the end, I got what I wanted. A good chase sequence, crazy Michael Bay camera movements, and Scarlett Johansson. While I waited until after the movie to drink a few margaritas, I suggest bringing that sixer of Old Style hidden in your pants and leaving your brain at the door. A 3 out of 5.
And with “The Island”, director Michael Bay has crafted another film full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. If you get that literary reference, you’re probably watching Michael Bay movies to give your brain some time to cool off between thoughts. Not to say that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I think it’s safe to say that his movies are not meant to challenge your belief systems.
In the movie, Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson play clones, (though, of course, they don't know that) bred to provide replacement parts for their “sponsors”. Sean Bean is the doctor behind it all, trying to engineer a longer lifespan for all the wealthy clients who can afford their own genetically-matched organ re-supply depot. Djimon Hounsou plays an ex-Delta Force mercenary, hired to capture Macgregor and Johansson upon their inevitable escape. Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan round out Bay’s usual suspects in supporting roles.
The clone colony (which is more like a Simi Valley replica, I think I counted 4 minorities) is led to believe that the Earth has suffered a catastrophic contamination event, and now only their hi-tech would-be apartment complex keeps them from becoming sick and dying out in the real world. But, there is still one safe haven on Earth: the island - where upon winning the lottery, clones are sent to live in paradise. Of course, in reality, winning the lottery means their sponsor needs a liver and it’s time to cut up their “insurance policy”.
Once out in the real world, we get 10 minutes of McGregor and Johansson learning how to act in society, a la an alien landing on Earth, and then Hounsou and his fellow mercs start an all-out war in 2019 Los Angeles to get them back. Countless cars are destroyed on the same freeway used in "The Matrix:Reloaded", and little regard is given to the LAPD’s safety, with the chase ending up on the logo of a skyscraper in downtown L.A. As seen in all the trailers, the logo falls off and our heroes plunge towards terra firma.
Through the magic of C.G. and the luck of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in “Twister”, Johansson and McGregor survive and concoct a plan to not only save themselves, but all the other clones still in their paradise prison. Almost as unbelievable as their death-defying antics, is that in just 15 years, L.A. will have mass-transit and most of the cars in Southern California won't be from Japan. I spotted a Honda Element parked in a garage, but everything else was either Chrysler or a Cadillac, with a Hummer thrown in for good measure.
In any case, as far as Michael Bay films, go, this could have gone worse. He’ll probably never top “The Rock” but this is no “Pearl Harbor”. The story is unoriginal, but McGregor and Johansson are a far better duo than Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler, so at least you didn’t want to strangle the main characters for 2 hours.
The dialogue is far from inspiring. Lines such as “The island is real. It’s us” and “I can tell when you’re lying because your mouth smiles but your eyes don’t” make me want to harm small animals and children. And while the audience is being treated to the utopian society the clones live in, we get wannabe-futuristic quips like “Watch your proximity” and the fashion sense of a Nike store. Since some of the cloning processes reminded me so much of “Demolition Man” meets “The Matrix”, I was hoping at one point that people would greet each other with a non-contact high five, or maybe a Keanu Reeves-like “Whoa”. But alas, this movie has robbed me of that as well.
All of the quintessential Bay trademarks are present, such as “shaky cam” to make the action seem so real, the camera shots taken from shoe level to make the characters and surroundings seem so immense, and, of course, the “Hero Shot”. The Hero Shot is when Bay circles the characters / landscapes with the camera, combined with dramatic music, to give the audience a sense of awe about the scene. My running tally counted 10 Hero Shots, with 1 more Super Hero Shot, where the camera did multiple circles. Each time, I was giddy with excitement because why build a movie with substance and intelligence, when you can just move the camera around in interesting and grandiose ways to fool the audience into thinking they are watching something poetic.
In the end, I got what I wanted. A good chase sequence, crazy Michael Bay camera movements, and Scarlett Johansson. While I waited until after the movie to drink a few margaritas, I suggest bringing that sixer of Old Style hidden in your pants and leaving your brain at the door. A 3 out of 5.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
What to TiVo: "Kenny vs. Spenny"
I don't know if any of you have already seen this glorious idea of a series/contest show, but it involves 2 Canadian best friends competing against each other in such contests as "Who's a better cook", "Who can stay up the longest", and most recently, "Who can keep from using their arms the longest." Generally, they hold the "longest" contests to 3 days, though.
The fun part is that Kenny constantly cheats, much to the chagrin of Spenny. And the loser is forced to perform a humiliating act, such as dressing up as a woman and trying to pick up people on the street.
It's on the Game Show Network, so digital cable may be necessary. If there was a way to send the show via the Net or something, I'd do that for you. Maybe I'll figure out how to hook up my VCR again. Good hunting, gentlemen!
The fun part is that Kenny constantly cheats, much to the chagrin of Spenny. And the loser is forced to perform a humiliating act, such as dressing up as a woman and trying to pick up people on the street.
It's on the Game Show Network, so digital cable may be necessary. If there was a way to send the show via the Net or something, I'd do that for you. Maybe I'll figure out how to hook up my VCR again. Good hunting, gentlemen!
Monday, July 11, 2005
Oh The Humanity: Lata de conservas
Welcome to my new column here on UGIJF: 'Oh The Humanity'. In this column, I will occasionally review other blog sites - the ones that I find when I click on the 'next blog' button.
This week: http://latadeconservas.blogspot.com/ "Lata de conservas".
Checking my trusty Google translator, the title of this blog translates as : "Conserve tin". This leads me to believe that the author of this blog is completely fucking insane.
As further evidence of this, I present the picture that greeted me on my first visit:
CASE CLOSED.
Next, I asked google to translate the entire page for me, this is what it said:
"Professor Jones had worked in the theory of the time throughout many years.
- and I have found the equation key - a good day said to its daughter -. the time is a field. The machine that I have made can manipulate, and even invest, this field.
Pushing a button while it spoke, it said:
- This will make back down the time backing down will do this - it said, spoke while to button tightening.
- said Field, to even invest e, to manipulate can made there am machine. Field is time. - Daughter his to good day said -. Key equation the found one I have and.
Years many of length on time of the worked theory in there was Jones professor.
Fredric Brown"
What is this shit? I have no idea. Perhaps I should have chosen a different blog to comment on. Ah well, as they say in Spain: "Coma las tuercas de mi cabra y viva por siempre."
This week: http://latadeconservas.blogspot.com/ "Lata de conservas".
Checking my trusty Google translator, the title of this blog translates as : "Conserve tin". This leads me to believe that the author of this blog is completely fucking insane.
As further evidence of this, I present the picture that greeted me on my first visit:
CASE CLOSED.
Next, I asked google to translate the entire page for me, this is what it said:
"Professor Jones had worked in the theory of the time throughout many years.
- and I have found the equation key - a good day said to its daughter -. the time is a field. The machine that I have made can manipulate, and even invest, this field.
Pushing a button while it spoke, it said:
- This will make back down the time backing down will do this - it said, spoke while to button tightening.
- said Field, to even invest e, to manipulate can made there am machine. Field is time. - Daughter his to good day said -. Key equation the found one I have and.
Years many of length on time of the worked theory in there was Jones professor.
Fredric Brown"
What is this shit? I have no idea. Perhaps I should have chosen a different blog to comment on. Ah well, as they say in Spain: "Coma las tuercas de mi cabra y viva por siempre."
The Sobering Conclusion: "Crash"
By popular demand, I am now delivering my review on Paul Haggis’s “Crash”. It stars a bevy of Hollywood names, including Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Terrence Dashon Howard, Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, Thandie Newton, Ryan Phillippe, Larenz Tate, Tony Danza, and Keith David. That’s a mouthful.
While this film attracted a lot of known talent, who mostly contributed convincing performances, I felt Paul Haggis was unable to follow through on his grand plan. You can’t go more than 2 minutes without being hit over the head with a racial stereotype hammer. Maybe it’s because Haggis was a writer on ‘Different Strokes’. Maybe he wrote this at the same time and just updated some of the technology. That would make the most sense.
Now, I don’t mean to bag on the film entirely. Like I stated before, the acting in the film is first rate. While Brendan Fraser continues to flounder in serious roles, Don Cheadle once again provides a performance full of gravitas and anima. Terrence Howard has a strong presence on screen and William Fichtner is still the man.
Ludacris and Larenz Tate are the most consistent characters, and a whole movie about the two of them would have provided a clearer point (Though Tate already did this in “Menace II Society”, which you are better off renting than watching this).
“Crash” is a collection of vignettes, full of strong performances, all woven together just a bit too neatly. It felt like a gimmick by the end. And when Haggis decides to try and trick the audience with a (gasp) reverse stereotype, I grab another hammer.
A lot of things in this film carry weight and emotion and provide a welcome breath of fresh air to a movie landscape full of slapstick crap and disturbingly stupid remakes. But this film fails to deliver the coup de gracie. Los Angeles has a lot of problems, and every city has racism. That doesn’t mean every single person on the street carries those prejudices on their shoulders. “Crash” is an over-simplified and micro-analyzed film about racial tensions that might have worked in 1985, but not so much in 2005.
Having said all that, you still only need a 6 pack of Old Style to cope with the flaws and enjoy the acting. “Crash” gets a 3 out of 5.
While this film attracted a lot of known talent, who mostly contributed convincing performances, I felt Paul Haggis was unable to follow through on his grand plan. You can’t go more than 2 minutes without being hit over the head with a racial stereotype hammer. Maybe it’s because Haggis was a writer on ‘Different Strokes’. Maybe he wrote this at the same time and just updated some of the technology. That would make the most sense.
Now, I don’t mean to bag on the film entirely. Like I stated before, the acting in the film is first rate. While Brendan Fraser continues to flounder in serious roles, Don Cheadle once again provides a performance full of gravitas and anima. Terrence Howard has a strong presence on screen and William Fichtner is still the man.
Ludacris and Larenz Tate are the most consistent characters, and a whole movie about the two of them would have provided a clearer point (Though Tate already did this in “Menace II Society”, which you are better off renting than watching this).
“Crash” is a collection of vignettes, full of strong performances, all woven together just a bit too neatly. It felt like a gimmick by the end. And when Haggis decides to try and trick the audience with a (gasp) reverse stereotype, I grab another hammer.
A lot of things in this film carry weight and emotion and provide a welcome breath of fresh air to a movie landscape full of slapstick crap and disturbingly stupid remakes. But this film fails to deliver the coup de gracie. Los Angeles has a lot of problems, and every city has racism. That doesn’t mean every single person on the street carries those prejudices on their shoulders. “Crash” is an over-simplified and micro-analyzed film about racial tensions that might have worked in 1985, but not so much in 2005.
Having said all that, you still only need a 6 pack of Old Style to cope with the flaws and enjoy the acting. “Crash” gets a 3 out of 5.
Animation Domination continues
The Simpsons gave Family Guy a run for its money this week. I think I even liked it more than Family Guy. Of course, I chalk it all up to the fact that the fat farm coach was the voice of Hank Scorpio. Still one of my favorite characters. Anywho, here's what made me grin the most.
Simpsons -
-Skinner, be gay on your own time.
-Yar, every kid loves a gumball machine, so how about a gumbo machine!
-I assume these snacks are nutricious. That's really none of our business.
-No one is being replaced by a machine, until all the kinks are worked out.
-Bart, do the Bartman, do the Bartman! Dance! Why won't you dance!
-I'm Baskin' in your pain, as I'm Robbin' you of life!
-There's something I have to show you, in one hour. We have to drive there. No talking, it'll hurt the drama.
-You're suffering from P.S.I., poor self esteem. Wait a minute, that's not I. Every sign is wrong!
-Let me have just the cheese. I'm driving, I'll kill us!
I also appreciated the "fat"opening sequence.
Family Guy - this episode was so so. It was nice to see Stewie be a little more evil again, but any episode centered around Meg tends to fall just short. Though it was nice to see the ipecac vomit-Olympics. Here come the quotes:
-What was the point of all that? All it does is shoot ya. It doesn't make breakfast at all!
-Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth in your sleep.
-From the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
-Peter, you got a card that says, 'I'm sorry I gave you VD." That's all you got is accidental huh? Alright, I'll take it.
-Hey, Mort. Do these suppositories come in any other flavors? - Peter, are you eating those? - No, I'm sticking 'em up my ass. Of course I'm eating them.
-Please go out with me tonight. Yeah, um, that sounds cool but I'm going to be in the hospital -tonight. (nail gun).
-Kramer vs. Predator.
-Maybe someday we'll get married and you'll go up on me!
-Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just - Ow, you're bending it!
Simpsons -
-Skinner, be gay on your own time.
-Yar, every kid loves a gumball machine, so how about a gumbo machine!
-I assume these snacks are nutricious. That's really none of our business.
-No one is being replaced by a machine, until all the kinks are worked out.
-Bart, do the Bartman, do the Bartman! Dance! Why won't you dance!
-I'm Baskin' in your pain, as I'm Robbin' you of life!
-There's something I have to show you, in one hour. We have to drive there. No talking, it'll hurt the drama.
-You're suffering from P.S.I., poor self esteem. Wait a minute, that's not I. Every sign is wrong!
-Let me have just the cheese. I'm driving, I'll kill us!
I also appreciated the "fat"opening sequence.
Family Guy - this episode was so so. It was nice to see Stewie be a little more evil again, but any episode centered around Meg tends to fall just short. Though it was nice to see the ipecac vomit-Olympics. Here come the quotes:
-What was the point of all that? All it does is shoot ya. It doesn't make breakfast at all!
-Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth in your sleep.
-From the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
-Peter, you got a card that says, 'I'm sorry I gave you VD." That's all you got is accidental huh? Alright, I'll take it.
-Hey, Mort. Do these suppositories come in any other flavors? - Peter, are you eating those? - No, I'm sticking 'em up my ass. Of course I'm eating them.
-Please go out with me tonight. Yeah, um, that sounds cool but I'm going to be in the hospital -tonight. (nail gun).
-Kramer vs. Predator.
-Maybe someday we'll get married and you'll go up on me!
-Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just - Ow, you're bending it!
The Sobering Conclusion: "War of the Worlds"
Finally, more of L. Ron Hubbard's teachings are being brought to movie screens worldwide in Steven Spielberg's"War of the Worlds". What was that? This isn't Dianetics 2: Electric Boogaloo? Huh. Actually, while I was concocting all sorts of cute Tom & Katie quips and Scientology jokes before I saw the film, I'm really in no mood to carry through with any of them now. That's not to say this film is going to win any awards, short of maybe visual or sound effects. But it does deliver what a typical summer blockbuster is supposed to: explosions, aliens, Tom Cruise (Will Smith was unavailable), and escapism.
As one might expect, Dakota Fanning steals the show, grounding the audience in the surreal chain of events. Her performance creates the audience's empathy for the characters. Really, she's the only one you'll care about. As other poeple die, get lost, or come back, it's only Dakota that you're worried about.
Though Tom Cruise is not as bad as everyone had been telling me. But that's because he's the same person in every film. I wish he'd just keep the name Cole Trickle and continue on in the movie universe; saving the planet and completing impossible missions.
The Tim Robbins cameo is more of a distraction than an addition. His character could have been played by any actor whose seen screentime on Law & Order, and without causing us to pause and say, "Hey, that's Tim Robbins." There are only a handful of other actors who have speaking parts that don't include the words "help" and "oh my God" and that's fine. This movie isn't about acting, it's about deadly alien machines tearing humanity a new one.
And one place this film excels in is the visual effects and how the aliens kill off humans. The alien vehicles look nice and move fairly fluidly. Without giving too much away, their 'death rays' basically cause people to spontaneously combust and more than a few times, I felt the need to quote "Soylent Green". And the ferry scene is spectacular, far better than watching the Titanic go down ... though at least Dicraprio does freeze to death in that one.
The sound design is truly great, make sure to see this somewhere with a nice sound system. It makes a difference. This movie definitely delivers creepy noises and loud bangs. And I hope I'm not the only one to think the sound emitted by the alien crafts, while probably a distorted fog horn, reminds me of the 'brown noise' episode of South Park.
Now on to the problems. There are far too many instances of lucky environments. There's always a nice, little path laid out for Cruise and family to drive/run through. It's practically reminiscent of a video game, only letting the characters take the necessary path. They might as well have shown Dakota Fanning hitting an invisible wall if she ever wanders off. Also, while many, many people get killed, you get the feeling many more should have died. Even with all that cool weaponry, the aliens are apparently members of an interstellar union and take their mandatory breaks between exterminating the humans.
All in all, "War of the Worlds" delivers what a huge Hollywood summer movie is supposed to. No more, no less. If you are on the fence, there are simple ways to predict if you will enjoy this film -
1. Do you like Tom Cruise?
2. Can you deal with an oversimplified look at aliens wreaking havoc on the human race?
3. Do you need the film to explain how things were able to be resolved?
4. Do you enjoy Spielberg's 'people looking' film style?
If you answered: Yes, Yes, No, Yes - then go ahead and check this film out. Any variation of that answer scheme and you may want to make sure you aren't paying for this one. I'd say to truly enjoy this film, bring along a 6 pack of Old Style and someone who claims they were abducted by aliens while on vacation in Florida. It gets a 3 out of 5.
As one might expect, Dakota Fanning steals the show, grounding the audience in the surreal chain of events. Her performance creates the audience's empathy for the characters. Really, she's the only one you'll care about. As other poeple die, get lost, or come back, it's only Dakota that you're worried about.
Though Tom Cruise is not as bad as everyone had been telling me. But that's because he's the same person in every film. I wish he'd just keep the name Cole Trickle and continue on in the movie universe; saving the planet and completing impossible missions.
The Tim Robbins cameo is more of a distraction than an addition. His character could have been played by any actor whose seen screentime on Law & Order, and without causing us to pause and say, "Hey, that's Tim Robbins." There are only a handful of other actors who have speaking parts that don't include the words "help" and "oh my God" and that's fine. This movie isn't about acting, it's about deadly alien machines tearing humanity a new one.
And one place this film excels in is the visual effects and how the aliens kill off humans. The alien vehicles look nice and move fairly fluidly. Without giving too much away, their 'death rays' basically cause people to spontaneously combust and more than a few times, I felt the need to quote "Soylent Green". And the ferry scene is spectacular, far better than watching the Titanic go down ... though at least Dicraprio does freeze to death in that one.
The sound design is truly great, make sure to see this somewhere with a nice sound system. It makes a difference. This movie definitely delivers creepy noises and loud bangs. And I hope I'm not the only one to think the sound emitted by the alien crafts, while probably a distorted fog horn, reminds me of the 'brown noise' episode of South Park.
Now on to the problems. There are far too many instances of lucky environments. There's always a nice, little path laid out for Cruise and family to drive/run through. It's practically reminiscent of a video game, only letting the characters take the necessary path. They might as well have shown Dakota Fanning hitting an invisible wall if she ever wanders off. Also, while many, many people get killed, you get the feeling many more should have died. Even with all that cool weaponry, the aliens are apparently members of an interstellar union and take their mandatory breaks between exterminating the humans.
All in all, "War of the Worlds" delivers what a huge Hollywood summer movie is supposed to. No more, no less. If you are on the fence, there are simple ways to predict if you will enjoy this film -
1. Do you like Tom Cruise?
2. Can you deal with an oversimplified look at aliens wreaking havoc on the human race?
3. Do you need the film to explain how things were able to be resolved?
4. Do you enjoy Spielberg's 'people looking' film style?
If you answered: Yes, Yes, No, Yes - then go ahead and check this film out. Any variation of that answer scheme and you may want to make sure you aren't paying for this one. I'd say to truly enjoy this film, bring along a 6 pack of Old Style and someone who claims they were abducted by aliens while on vacation in Florida. It gets a 3 out of 5.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
FYI: Set TiVo to record Vh1 tonight
Did anyone else already know about "Hogan Knows Best"? It's on VH1 at 10 tonight. I can't wait to learn how to be a parent!
Saturday, July 09, 2005
The Sobering Conclusion: "Fantastic Four"
To kick off my newly titled column, I begin with one of the worst movies of the year: "Fantastic Four". Did I give too much of my review away already? In a nutshell, and to use a pun, "Fantastic Four" is not worth your hard-earned $10.
Where to begin ... Well, let's look at the cast, Ioan Gruffudd plays Reed and does a competent job. (Though how he's on the short list for the next James Bond, you got me). Michael Chiklis tackles the role of Ben Grimm admirably and Chris Evans' portrayal of the Human Torch is actually 'fantastic'! A film solely about him probably would have lived up to the title.
Wait, you've left two people out you say? Well, Jessica Alba (Susan Storm) isn't as bad as I had feared/hoped. And thankfully, the costume department removed the top 2 buttons of all of her outfits. But that doesn't mean that the 2 or 3 times she's asked to emote, I'm not forced to guffaw. And without an 'R' rating, we clearly are not seeing what we wanted from the Invisible Girl.
Where, oh where, do I begin with Julian McMahon's portrayal of Dr. Victor Von Doom. I could chalk his inability to pull off a convincing villain on the change in his background story, but somehow I think it's better they gave him powers via the cosmic storm, rather than the actual disfigurement via college lab accident, because that probably cut 15-20 minutes off of the running time (and boy, were there some times I wanted to run). However, there are 2 main factors to Dr. Doom being more like Dr. Not So Scary. One, who is afraid of Julian McMahon? I mean, seriously, he played the ultimate evil source turned consummate husband of Alyssa Milano on Charmed. And two, the director of this fine feature film was Tim Story, who most recently undigested "Taxi" on screens around the world. It really is no surprise he wasn't able to pull all the elements together in this film. And with one of, if not the most, important elements of a comic book movie being a believable villain, "Fantastic Four" was doomed from the start, literally.
All in all, this film had a lot of things it could have built upon, but didn't because it tried to use every cliche in the book: While snowboarding, the Human Torch catches on fire and creates a hot spring for him and his ski bunny ; Susan Storm goes invisible when she feels like no one sees her; Mr. Fantastic only makes the plot-driving mistakes ; and a blind woman sees through the Thing's rocky exterior to a heart of gold (it's in the comic, but we didn't need it in this first film, it only added to an already crowded landscape of oversentimentality).
The special effects were fairly good, minus the space station scenes, where it would have been more believable to use Lego sets than the crappy green scene shots of the Earth they did give us. The use of extreme sports felt like watching a Mountain Dew commercial that wouldn't end. And when the space shuttle was docking with the station orbiting Earth, I had the same thoughts you might have right at the top of the ascent of a roller coaster - 'Why did I do this? Please God, let this just be over."
An hour and 45 minutes later, I got my wish. But not of course, before they throw one of the dumbest, unneeded cliffhanger endings at the audience. Every single Friday the 13th film did it better, and at least in those films, I was sure in real life I would run away from that masked menace with a machete.
In order to enjoy this film, make sure to bring along a keg of Foster's. I give it a 2 out of 5.
Where to begin ... Well, let's look at the cast, Ioan Gruffudd plays Reed and does a competent job. (Though how he's on the short list for the next James Bond, you got me). Michael Chiklis tackles the role of Ben Grimm admirably and Chris Evans' portrayal of the Human Torch is actually 'fantastic'! A film solely about him probably would have lived up to the title.
Wait, you've left two people out you say? Well, Jessica Alba (Susan Storm) isn't as bad as I had feared/hoped. And thankfully, the costume department removed the top 2 buttons of all of her outfits. But that doesn't mean that the 2 or 3 times she's asked to emote, I'm not forced to guffaw. And without an 'R' rating, we clearly are not seeing what we wanted from the Invisible Girl.
Where, oh where, do I begin with Julian McMahon's portrayal of Dr. Victor Von Doom. I could chalk his inability to pull off a convincing villain on the change in his background story, but somehow I think it's better they gave him powers via the cosmic storm, rather than the actual disfigurement via college lab accident, because that probably cut 15-20 minutes off of the running time (and boy, were there some times I wanted to run). However, there are 2 main factors to Dr. Doom being more like Dr. Not So Scary. One, who is afraid of Julian McMahon? I mean, seriously, he played the ultimate evil source turned consummate husband of Alyssa Milano on Charmed. And two, the director of this fine feature film was Tim Story, who most recently undigested "Taxi" on screens around the world. It really is no surprise he wasn't able to pull all the elements together in this film. And with one of, if not the most, important elements of a comic book movie being a believable villain, "Fantastic Four" was doomed from the start, literally.
All in all, this film had a lot of things it could have built upon, but didn't because it tried to use every cliche in the book: While snowboarding, the Human Torch catches on fire and creates a hot spring for him and his ski bunny ; Susan Storm goes invisible when she feels like no one sees her; Mr. Fantastic only makes the plot-driving mistakes ; and a blind woman sees through the Thing's rocky exterior to a heart of gold (it's in the comic, but we didn't need it in this first film, it only added to an already crowded landscape of oversentimentality).
The special effects were fairly good, minus the space station scenes, where it would have been more believable to use Lego sets than the crappy green scene shots of the Earth they did give us. The use of extreme sports felt like watching a Mountain Dew commercial that wouldn't end. And when the space shuttle was docking with the station orbiting Earth, I had the same thoughts you might have right at the top of the ascent of a roller coaster - 'Why did I do this? Please God, let this just be over."
An hour and 45 minutes later, I got my wish. But not of course, before they throw one of the dumbest, unneeded cliffhanger endings at the audience. Every single Friday the 13th film did it better, and at least in those films, I was sure in real life I would run away from that masked menace with a machete.
In order to enjoy this film, make sure to bring along a keg of Foster's. I give it a 2 out of 5.
And the winner is ... Kevin Hurley!
Congratulations, Kevin Hurley. You have won the "Name the Movie Column" Sweepstakes with your entry of "The Sobering Conclusion". To claim your prizes, send your address to kylesteel@gmail.com (I always misplace these things). It will be sent within 3-5 business days (most likely).
You can see the first review sporting the winning name above this post. Shout out to all those who participated (middle finger to those who didn't). Just so you guys know, here were the runner-ups in no particular order: A More Valid Opinion, Cineplex To The Sternum, F.I.L.M., Worst Taste Scenario, Will It Play in Peoria, and Begging to Differ. There were about ten others I loved as well, but they were so off the beat and path, I thought them distracting to the review.
As a reward for entering, I have included 2 more posters in the booty being sent to Mr. Hurley. It is upon him to decide which poster he, Ken and Josh receive. Bribing him is allowed.
It was a wonderful contest and I am touched by your ideas (shower and therapy to follow). I plan to review all types of films, from the biggest blockbuster to the smallest indie, and maybe I'll help one of my fellow alumni find a diamond in the rough, or a piece of shit in an outhouse. I have decided on a 5 point rating scale, based on what type/how much alcohol it would take to enjoy the film and it is as follows:
5. Flute of the finest champagne
4. Pull of Chuckpucker
3. 6 pack of Old Style
2. Keg of Foster's
1. Case of Olympia (properly aged/conditioned)
0. Bag of Hammers (hit yourself with one, move on to next hammer, repeat until unconscious or dead)
I hope you enjoy my blog feature as it gets underway ... and we'll see how long this latest impulse of mine lasts.
You can see the first review sporting the winning name above this post. Shout out to all those who participated (middle finger to those who didn't). Just so you guys know, here were the runner-ups in no particular order: A More Valid Opinion, Cineplex To The Sternum, F.I.L.M., Worst Taste Scenario, Will It Play in Peoria, and Begging to Differ. There were about ten others I loved as well, but they were so off the beat and path, I thought them distracting to the review.
As a reward for entering, I have included 2 more posters in the booty being sent to Mr. Hurley. It is upon him to decide which poster he, Ken and Josh receive. Bribing him is allowed.
It was a wonderful contest and I am touched by your ideas (shower and therapy to follow). I plan to review all types of films, from the biggest blockbuster to the smallest indie, and maybe I'll help one of my fellow alumni find a diamond in the rough, or a piece of shit in an outhouse. I have decided on a 5 point rating scale, based on what type/how much alcohol it would take to enjoy the film and it is as follows:
5. Flute of the finest champagne
4. Pull of Chuckpucker
3. 6 pack of Old Style
2. Keg of Foster's
1. Case of Olympia (properly aged/conditioned)
0. Bag of Hammers (hit yourself with one, move on to next hammer, repeat until unconscious or dead)
I hope you enjoy my blog feature as it gets underway ... and we'll see how long this latest impulse of mine lasts.
Friday, July 08, 2005
NEW REALITY SHOW IDEAS
I don't think reality TV is quite REAL enough...click the link below for my ideas on for some new relaity TV shows.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
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