This Has Been A Pretty Lame Apocalypse

I mean sure, there was the flood in New Orleans, the fires in California, the Tsunami in some Asian country I could care less about (but Angelina Jolie does to keep her endless supply line of children in tact), but this Apocalypse really hasn't been that impressive.

Sure there's the housing market collapse, the war in the Middle East, the writer's strike, the choice of either Obama, Clinton, or McCain as President, the failure of Steven Colbert to gain a nomination - but really, is this all Mother Nature's got?!?

I guess we all just got spoiled by those scary stories in the Bible with first born dying and rivers flowing with blood - plagues, disease. Instead we get some killer bees that got lost somewhere on the way to North America, some cicadas that forget to actually come up (most likely because their larvae were destroyed building another Walgreens), and some 98 year old man winning an Oscar and ranting on for 15 minutes about how he had breakfast at Denny's and his toast was too soft and the waitress could have been nicer and shown respect for a veteran of foreign wars.

Seriously, if this Apocalypse is going to be any good at all, we need some more ACTION, suspense, and blood! How bout some real Mad Max shit!! How about some evil corporation (I'm looking at you Apple!) building a highly advanced computer system that becomes self aware and starts implanting iPods onto every living being, taking over their minds and distracting them from..........

......aw shit....

Lebowskifest 2008

Instead of Vegas, why not LOUISVILLE!?!?!

An Open Letter To Old Man Winter

Dear Old Man Winter-

Fuck You. And the Canadian air mass you rode in on.

Disrespectfully,

Josh


PS-I am sorry. That may have sounded rude, and I was raised better than to speak that way to my elders. But come on, dude. We appreciate it when you show up on Christmas and bring snow and what have you along. It's charming. But the fact is, it's past Valentine's Day and your still parked on our couch. The party ended a long time ago, and you keep hanging out showing us the same old dusting of snow and bitter fucking cold routines. Now the charm has changed past being annoying to making me apoplectic. I'd like to go outside and not require a scarf or long underwear. Please...one day in the fucking 30's is all I am asking for here. It's still wintery, just not HARDCORE wintery, right.

Also, just so you know I am getting my Uncle Spring on the phone. He'll be here in a couple of weeks to kick your frozen fucking skull in. Suck it.

Quitting Smoking

Well, I seem to have accomplished the impossible...I have managed to go 6 weeks without a cigarette. And although I don't consider myself out of the woods just yet, I think it is a noteworthy accomplishment that hopefully I can stick with.

Here is my advice to smokers looking to quit: DON'T DO IT! KEEP SMOKING! You'll be much happier right up until the point where you need to sneak a puff inside your oxygen tent. Then you'll be dead, and you'll have escaped the pain of withdrawal completely.

Because buddy, I have to tell you...quitting smoking sucks.

The first two days are bad enough--you are edgy and your emotions are all over the place. You'll get headaches. Sometimes you'll feel a little dizzy.

We're just getting warmed up. EVERYTHING will piss you off. Seriously, if Gisele and Fergie got in a fight over your dick, you'd be upset that there isn't enough hair pulling/open handed slapping/clothes rending going on. Then when things settled down you are gonna be pissed that they stopped. You will kick a hole in something or someone.

Okay, now after about a week of this the physical changes kick in. Your lungs swell up like a couple of blimps as they start to reject the years of tar and phlegm which you have caked them with. You become a human loogie farmer, horking your yellow crop across sidewalks wherever you go. And the cough. The cough is bad. Sometimes you'll cough up something solid and accidentally chew on it. Whoops. And forget about sleeping regularly.

Then comes the quitter's flu. This is the absolute worst, because after about a week and a half of feeling like crap, you learn what crap feels like when it says it feels like crap. Your temperature is going to soar into the low 100's, nothing will stay down, and you will not stop coughing because there is 1 piece of something dangling in your lung that won't come loose. "Maybe if I keep coughing it will break free" you'll think. But it won't. It is going to annoy you for another 2 weeks. In the meantime, you'll have fever dreams where Peter Stourmare is chasing you down in a golf cart, trying to steal your 1-Up Mushroom.

If you make through all this, the worst is over, although you'll continue to have good days and bad days. Well mostly bad days. I think a part of you will always want to go back to flavor country. At those times you'll have to catch yourself and say "Well at least I don't have to go stand outside in 4 degree weather."

In any case, I wish you the best.

And now for the inexplicable...

Where have I been? Studying for the CPA still, married, changing jobs, helping my wife change jobs, living life and masturbating to metallica in my basement with a blacklight while freebasing everclear.

And now the inexplicable...please click here

It's not me in the robe but if I said it was me, would you believe me?

Sound is required and its not exactly safe for work. No nudity or anything just, well, nevermind.

You may know where I live ...

But I know how to defend my desktop! Check out this little free webgame that's wasted almost more of my life than my third wife ... You can post high scores to a group so we can compare our skillz ... I've started the group "King of the Ring" (don't enter quote marks).

It's simple but it's time consuming (and the 10,000 gold - 100 level challenge is FUCKING impossible ... I've gotten to level 83 or so).

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! Love, swimfan

ZabaSearch

This site is creepy accurate. It can basically bring up everywhere you've lived, phone numbers, and sometimes birth month and year. I was able to find all you guys - I may even have found H.O.G.!