If you're looking to purchase a fine wine for someone on your gift list this year, or are yourself a wine reviewer who's struggling with a deadline and desperate to steal someone else's material, then this post will help you find either a) that perfect gift, or b) that perfect five-dollar turn of phrase about bouquets and flavor notes, with an overall sense of general snobbery punctuated by an arbitrary two-digit score.
Enjoy with amore!
Château de Sexe 2005
Caresses the palate with rich sensations akin to a lady's supple, honey-dewed vulva. A delightful precursor to drunken intercourse.
93/100
La Casa di Palle 2009
Boasts a flavor reminiscent of a marathon runner's sock at the twenty-fifth mile. Packs a spiteful, punishing finish which lingers not unlike a stab wound. Drink it alone, in a black room, while staring angrily into the abyss.
51/100
Enrique's Revenge 2008
A maddeningly complex, supremely deceptive vintage with a nose that suggests blueberries, burning leaves and boiled football leather, meticulously unfolding to reveal a finish with hints of honey, fried chicken and blood.
A dreadful, barely-perceptible undercurrent of white noise fills your head with each sip. For some reason, tastes completely different if you have a beard. The winemaking equivalent of an M.C. Escher painting.
89/100? I think?
Wyckoff Vineyards' Special Reserve Chardonnay 1996
A firm structure and sweet oak flavor that pairs well with fish sticks.
74/100
iWine 2011
The world's first digital cabernet sauvignon, only available for the Apple iPad 2 via the iTunes store. After purchasing a bottle/copy, users point the rear (HD) camera lens at their head, which fires an information-rich beam of light into the human temporal lobe, simulating the sensory, muscular and nervous responses associated with drinking a glass of wine.
While the "wine" itself is below average and merits little discussion, 38 points have been added to the score due to the satisfaction gained from directing the beam onto the heads of strangers in a public park.
78/100
Jimson's Flavor Circus Circa 2002
Terrible.
6/100
Eyeball Tornado 2010
100/100
The vintage of the true Fantasy Football champion. Intoxicates you almost immediately yet improves your ability to drive a car and operate machinery by 275%. It's red, if knowing that sort of thing is important to you. Rest assured that it is fucking unbelievable in all respects. Every bottle comes with a free MP3 download of the song "Eyeball Tornado" from JE, which includes full lyrics printed on the label:
eyeball tornado
the all-seeing storm
a cold front of fear
freezing yet warm
eyeball tornado
ruins your town
drowns your whole city
drags it all down
(solo: Lombard)
eyeball tornado
complete disarray
fills you with terror
blows you away
eyeball tornado
so inhumane
beating you senseless
fucking insane
(solo: Thayil)
eyeball tornado
the thought makes you sick
your last living memory
is eating a dick
*death metal vox* BBBBLLLLLLRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *vomit*
(final instrumental break - GO NUTS)
