James Hetfield is an Asshole

Sorry, James. I had to call you on it.

Cliff would be really disappointed in you, man.

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS!

I was recently gifted with a DVD copy of “Doomsday.”

Doomsday is the worst piece of garbage that has ever been committed to film. I would give it a bag a hammers, but at least you can use a hammer for something. It was so bad that I got up and walked out- and I was watching it at my apartment. As I fumed about wasting my time with this film I was determined that something good come out of this. Well, since Doomsday is a film that shamelessly plagiarizes from every other post apocalyptic film ever made (and some other films as well), it is the perfect vehicle to showcase

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS


We all know the stuff is going to hit the fan. Be it through War, Famine, or Plague Mother Earth is going to find a way to dwindle humanity’s numbers. But what if you are one of the lucky survivors? Do you think anyone is going to care that you can balance a checkbook or program an iPhone to do your laundry? Wrong move, fuckface. The following are the meek who will inherit the charred and stinking remains of earth, so get on board with these growing post apocalyptic careers!

1. Welder – Yup, welders. You wouldn’t think welders could be more in demand than they are right now. You would be wrong. Showers of sparks are the backbone of the grim industrial tone that permeates any post apocalyptic neighborhood. Showers of sparks that only be provided by your local welders union.

2. Tattoo Artists- Well, you just survived living in a bunker for 3 months waiting for the radiation to reach a tolerable level or for the virus to kill off all its hosts. The next step isn’t searching for supplies or restoring basic utilities. No way—it’s getting inked up, motherfucker. Because when humans start to rebuild, the Leadership Hierarchy will be determined by the quantity of ink lodged in your dermis. (On a side note, I find it funny to see how immaculately groomed this person is...for being some broad who is supposed to be tough as nails she obviously spent a long time at her hairdresser and manicurist).

3. Motorcycle Repair – By definition, every society post apocalypse has to have some crazy motorcyclists to harass intruders, jump stuff, and then wipe out in spectacular fashion. It seems to me that in reality most motorcyclists are pretty tough, while in the movies they are pantywaists who do nothing but get their asses kicked. Seriously, in the post apocalyptic world the motorcycle cavalry would lose to Glass Joe. It’s a good thing riders are retards and motorcycles don’t fix themselves. So, if you are well versed in motorcycle repair, you will never want for work.

4. Retarded Hairstylist- Uh oh! You got caught in the explosion, irradiated, and/or eaten by the plague. Now your IQ has been reduced by 75%. What service could you possibly provide to secure your place in the developing new economy? Well, you could cut hair. People don’t seem to be that particular in the future. Based on this picture, you caould also probably make some decent bucks selling mascara.

5. Cockroaches. Fuck you Neil Marshall.

Welcome To Your Doom

Freakonomics- Where Brock Lesnar answers My Question

LINK IN TITLE

I like to read the Freakonomics blog, and have been doing so ever since it was praised by another poster to this site. Often this site will approach minor celebrities and have normal internet surfers like you or me ask them questions, which they will then answer. Recently they approached the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. I decided to ask him a question and surprisingly he DID answer it.

Try to guess which question I asked. I'll let you know soon. And don't try looking at the original post because I intentionally used a fake name. Suck it.

Hey! Metallica is still around!

NEW YORK (Billboard) - Metallica will release its first album in five years worldwide on Friday, September 12, the second time the rock band has broken with the industry's custom of a Monday or Tuesday street date.

A posting on Metallica's Web site, entitled "The Last Piece of the Puzzle," did not give a reason for the unusual release date for "Death Magnetic."

Albums are usually released on a Tuesday in the North America, where Metallica is signed to Warner Music, and a day earlier everywhere else. Universal handles the band internationally.

In a last-minute move Metallica's previous album, the commercial disappointment "St. Anger," was released a few days earlier than planned, ostensibly to combat piracy.

On Friday, Metallica shot a video near Los Angeles for first single "The Day That Never Comes." It was directed by drummer Lars Ulrich's Danish compatriot Thomas Vinterberg.

Metallica will be back on stage Saturday at Ozzfest in Dallas. At that gig, guitarist Kirk Hammett will join Slayer's Kerry King, Alice In Chains' Jerry Cantrell and Anthrax's Scott Ian in a tribute to late Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, who was murdered on stage in Columbus, Ohio, in 2004.

Reuters/Billboard

The Commissionary Position - Volume 1 Issue 2

This year's sister league to our main gridiron endeavor is none other than the long-awaited Mistakes League, in which we celebrate the worst that on-field football has to offer. Gone are the days of agonizing over whether or not to take a QB in the first round, trying to figure out which rookie RBs will be the breakout stars or hoping the Defense you picked up is as good as it looks on paper.

Well, actually, you still have all those problems, just in reverse - now you get nowhere by picking players that are any good, and can only advance by coasting on the jet-streams of failure that propel the league's most hapless players into the spotlight of ridicule on various nationwide post-game radio and television shows.

In general, the only ways to earn points are through fumbles, interceptions, missed FGs and defensive incompetence. You've all received an invitation to this illustrious league, but here's the current scoring system for quick reference:

Offense:
Incomplete Passes (10)
Interceptions (300)
Sacks (100)
Fumbles (100)
Fumbles Lost (300)

Kicking:
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards (750)
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards (500)
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards (250)
Field Goals Missed 40-49 Yards (100)
Point After Attempt Missed (1000)

Defense:
Points Allowed 1-6 points (250)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (500)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (750)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (1000)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (1500)
Points Allowed 35+ points (2000)

Everything else is worth 0. Note that the "Sacks" category above is listed under "Offense", so I presume it's the number of points awarded (normally subtracted) if your QB goes down. It's not used in our main league, so I can't confirm. Also, this league is scored on points only... we don't play head-to-head games each week. Whoever can rack up the most terribleness by season's end will take the crown!

The draft time is set for Sunday, 8/31 at 2:30pm CST... that's an hour-and-a-half after the "real league" draft, which was as close together as I could make them. So join up (let me know if the invites don't arrive) and post your comments/thoughts/opinions on the scoring system... we may not have a full 8 teams for this one, but we'll see.

- Commissioner Chunder