This morning another pedestrian was killed by a Metra train one stop down from the one I live near. Details regarding the case haven't been released, so I can't comment on this particular incident, but it seems like as good a time as any to re-release this memo to the general public: STOP MESSING WITH TRAINS.
I don't know why people continue to think they can outrun them or drive around them, but they can't. Haven't yet. Never will. Trains are like the '72 Dolphins of public transportation - YOU LOSE. And it's not Metra's fault that you think you're so damn important that you feel you can drive under a gate or run through a crossing while a 12-million ton machine bears down on your dumb ass.
Train tracks are not a damn playground. No swings. No sandbox. No merry-go-round. The best thing to do is pretend you are in Florida and it is any body of water: STAY THE FUCK AWAY! THERE IS A 500 TON STEEL CROCODILE IN THERE!!
ReplyDeleteTo answer any remaining questions:
yes, it will flatten a penny
No that won't make the train fly off the tracks.
I would rather be caught next to my exes than a moving train.
I like trains. And while you may not be able to outrun them, the key is jumping through the open container car using your turbo boost.
ReplyDeleteA year or two ago I got to see - up close - the remains of a person that did battle with a train - I shit you not - entrails down the track and a sheet covering what I would guess was the 'bulk' of the remains. People are fucking dumb. I think most people end up running past a stopped train, not for one second giving thought to the fact that an express train might zip right by.
ReplyDeleteI like trains, too. Whether they're just sitting aroung looking cool or roaring across the landscape covered in flames with a huge metal skull head, like on the cover of Motorhead's "Orgasmatron" album, trains kick ass.
ReplyDeleteAnother note to the general public: TURBO BOOSTING THROUGH THE OPEN DOORS ONLY WORKS WITH FREIGHT TRAINS, WHERE THERE ARE BOXCARS. Thank you, enjoy your commute.
Why are you trying to save the generally stupid public!
ReplyDeleteOur goal is a 90% reduction in the normal human population and a 500% increase in the lingerie model population.
I'd like to see if that goal can be reached by the 2012 Presidential election when all of us are eligible to run but there can be only one!
I understand your alarm, so let me clarify by saying that I make these suggestions not for the well-being of the public, but for my own personal convenience. As I live right near a major station, I fear that the rising number of imbeciles getting creamed by trains may cause some law(s) to be passed requiring said trains to have louder/longer sirens or a fucking strobe light or something to warn fools that, yes, a goddamn train is coming. I don't think I'd much care for that.
ReplyDelete