My Trip To the Bristol Renaissance Faire

When you think geek, what do you think of? Computers? Dungeons and Dragons? People dressed in Medieval garb?

Well, what if I told you that all of this, and MORE could be found in one magical place? You wouldn't care would you? Well, I didn't either - but I must continue.

Whenever I would hear the words 'Renaissance Faire', I would automatically laugh and think of people that had nothing better to do than dress up in Renassance garb - most often costumes that were far from 'custom tailored' and a little on the 'fat Spiderman' side. These were the people that forgot that Halloween was only ONCE a year, and didn't just start in October.

I never thought I would find myself in this magical place....but this past weekend...I DID!

Our neighbors, RenFaire vets, invited us to join them -sans costume- to the local Renaissance Faire, just across the border in Wisconsin. What I found was that the Renaissance Faire was not just a bunch of dorks dressed in poorly made costumes rolling dice and slaying air - no, no. The Faire is all about boobs, comedy, poorly coreographed swordplay, AND fat people in costume!

Since I am not much of a writer, I'm going to just stick with my specialty - LISTS! So here are some of the highlights and lowlights of my adventures:

Best Drink At The Faire: Sassafras - it's only a buck (which is rediculous compared to usual park prices and even the prices for everything else at the faire) for what is basically root beer with a little black licoriche flavor in it. It's pretty good.

Lamest Costume: Oh man, while it would be easy (yet challenging) to give this one out to any number of people, I have to give it to one specific person who, I thought, just brought the whole place to a screeching halt. Imagine this scene: you're at the Faire. All of the workers there are dressed in renaissance/medieval garb. Professional outfits, the works. They are doing their best to make things feel authentic and really make this a great experience for everyone attending. You have your visitors who dress up, and sometimes like look like a sausage in a potato sack -but hey, at least they're trying. But then, oh my, then, you have this one guy. Amongst all of this realism, you have this guy. Who is this guy you ask? Well, I shit you not, there, in living, breathing color, was none other than Nintendo's own.....LINK!

WTF?!!!?!??!!? LINK?!!?!?!? This guy had a FULL LINK COSTUME - down to the sword, shield, and Gamecube-era long elven hat. Talk about runing the entire experience. He might as well had Mario, Luigi and the Princess with him. Mega Man might as well been selling trinkets at the blacksmith shoppe. Oh look! It's Pro Wrestling's Star Man performing in the Kings Court! I felt like tapping this guy on the shoulder and just giving him a goddamn stunner.

Best costume: Any girl with a girdle on.

Most annoying person: (tie) Person 1: After purchasing an artichoke from a vendor, Sarah and I go about trying to eat it. Suddenly a lady comes up to us (you know the type) and starts yelling to her friend to look at what we were eating. She then proceeds to teach us how to eat the artichoke and even goes so far as to touch our damn food in the process. Person 2: During the swordplay/comedy show, I get pulled up on stage with a bunch of other guys. The guy standing next to me, obviously drunk off his first beer, (you know the type) and tries his damndest to upstage the performers and everyone else. Quite hilariously, he's making a jackass out of himself and does a little dance and a little 'tada!' with his arms, obviously in an attempt to get a response from the crowd. Silence. Capturing this moment of comedy gold, the performers throw up their hands in a cheesy stance and the crowd goes nuts. Sit down, asshole. Honorable mention: My neighbor and I are looking at some cool as swords, and the lady behind the counter proceeds to apologize to us for eating behind the counter. (we didn't notice, as we were way to engrossed at the huge ass broadswords were were wielding) she continues to apologize, even after we said 'uh, yeah, sure whatever' and she goes on a rant about how she is a diabetic and has to control her blood sugar, blah blah blah. I almost took my (Dancing) scimitar and slit her gullet.


I'm sure I have more stories that I can't think of right now, but all in all, I was fairly impressed by the Faire. The people watching is fantastic, the admission isn't too bad, and the entertainment was pretty good. There's a decent food selection and the prices are mid-level. Not as bad as Great America or a carnival - but not cheap either. The shops are horribly overpriced. All in all though, it's a good time. I'd definitely recommend that we check it out when Ian's in town. But this time, we take Link out back and beat the living Tri-Force out of him.