MIKE TERRY--LIVE IN CHICAGO

You may have seen improv comedy, but you've never seen improv comedy as shitty as this.

That's right, my Second City class finally gets to take the stage for the first time-Sunday October 12 at Noon at you guessed it--the Second City ???? North Wells In Chicago. (You have an internet location, look up the address). You can be there to say "I was there when dude did his first show." Or you can shun and shame me as if I were your first wife. RSVP by telling me to go fuck myself in the comments below.

NAME THE NEW CORPORATE OVERLORD

Well, we done fucked up. A generation of American children raised on using cheat codes to complete their favorite paramilitary side scrolling Nintendo games realizes that they can't blow on the cartridge of the economy hard enough to make it work. At this point we've done everything but unplug the unit and the screen is still frozen as our characters are in mid-jump. Not even jamming on the reset button works…banks are failing at a rate of 1 per day, and merging into each other. Eventually, every bank will be merged into one, all encompassing banking behemoth, which be tamed by the lash of government oversight. I was wondering what we could call this financial juggernaut, but it seems all the good names are taken--'Unibank', 'Megabank', even the ominous and eponimous 'The Bank' (Just do a google search to verify, all the names are taken). So what would you call this all encompassing banking giant? Because soon we are gonna need a name that is ominous and poweful...

Suggestions welcome!

STEAK SWALLOWER!!!

Home of the 72 oz (4.5 lb) Steak! If you eat the entire meal (Including a bread roll with butter, potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad) in under an hour, it's free!

If you can't, it's $72.

At about 4,500 calories with all the trimmings, it represents around twice the daily calorie intake of the average American.

Feeling Collegiate, Ken? (Cue Rocky Music...)

LOL Google Chrome

Not sure if you guys have seen or messed around with Google Chrome - Google's new web browser - yet, but anyway, as part of the launch they created a long comic strip explaining what Chrome is and how it worked. Well, the posters at Gizmodo.com got a hold of it and worked their Photoshop magic. The result is HERE. Takes a little while to go through them all, but I think you'll all have a chuckle or two.

Happy (belated) Birthday Mr. Jones!!!!

This is belated because I was thinking you were the 5th - but then I checked my calendar and saw it was the 3rd. Anyway, hope you had a good birthday, and maybe I'll meet up with you this weekend for a drink. For now, enjoy this:\

James Hetfield is an Asshole

Sorry, James. I had to call you on it.

Cliff would be really disappointed in you, man.

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS!

I was recently gifted with a DVD copy of “Doomsday.”

Doomsday is the worst piece of garbage that has ever been committed to film. I would give it a bag a hammers, but at least you can use a hammer for something. It was so bad that I got up and walked out- and I was watching it at my apartment. As I fumed about wasting my time with this film I was determined that something good come out of this. Well, since Doomsday is a film that shamelessly plagiarizes from every other post apocalyptic film ever made (and some other films as well), it is the perfect vehicle to showcase

YOUR GUIDE TO HOT POST APOCALYPTIC CAREERS


We all know the stuff is going to hit the fan. Be it through War, Famine, or Plague Mother Earth is going to find a way to dwindle humanity’s numbers. But what if you are one of the lucky survivors? Do you think anyone is going to care that you can balance a checkbook or program an iPhone to do your laundry? Wrong move, fuckface. The following are the meek who will inherit the charred and stinking remains of earth, so get on board with these growing post apocalyptic careers!

1. Welder – Yup, welders. You wouldn’t think welders could be more in demand than they are right now. You would be wrong. Showers of sparks are the backbone of the grim industrial tone that permeates any post apocalyptic neighborhood. Showers of sparks that only be provided by your local welders union.

2. Tattoo Artists- Well, you just survived living in a bunker for 3 months waiting for the radiation to reach a tolerable level or for the virus to kill off all its hosts. The next step isn’t searching for supplies or restoring basic utilities. No way—it’s getting inked up, motherfucker. Because when humans start to rebuild, the Leadership Hierarchy will be determined by the quantity of ink lodged in your dermis. (On a side note, I find it funny to see how immaculately groomed this person is...for being some broad who is supposed to be tough as nails she obviously spent a long time at her hairdresser and manicurist).

3. Motorcycle Repair – By definition, every society post apocalypse has to have some crazy motorcyclists to harass intruders, jump stuff, and then wipe out in spectacular fashion. It seems to me that in reality most motorcyclists are pretty tough, while in the movies they are pantywaists who do nothing but get their asses kicked. Seriously, in the post apocalyptic world the motorcycle cavalry would lose to Glass Joe. It’s a good thing riders are retards and motorcycles don’t fix themselves. So, if you are well versed in motorcycle repair, you will never want for work.

4. Retarded Hairstylist- Uh oh! You got caught in the explosion, irradiated, and/or eaten by the plague. Now your IQ has been reduced by 75%. What service could you possibly provide to secure your place in the developing new economy? Well, you could cut hair. People don’t seem to be that particular in the future. Based on this picture, you caould also probably make some decent bucks selling mascara.

5. Cockroaches. Fuck you Neil Marshall.

Welcome To Your Doom

Freakonomics- Where Brock Lesnar answers My Question

LINK IN TITLE

I like to read the Freakonomics blog, and have been doing so ever since it was praised by another poster to this site. Often this site will approach minor celebrities and have normal internet surfers like you or me ask them questions, which they will then answer. Recently they approached the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. I decided to ask him a question and surprisingly he DID answer it.

Try to guess which question I asked. I'll let you know soon. And don't try looking at the original post because I intentionally used a fake name. Suck it.

Hey! Metallica is still around!

NEW YORK (Billboard) - Metallica will release its first album in five years worldwide on Friday, September 12, the second time the rock band has broken with the industry's custom of a Monday or Tuesday street date.

A posting on Metallica's Web site, entitled "The Last Piece of the Puzzle," did not give a reason for the unusual release date for "Death Magnetic."

Albums are usually released on a Tuesday in the North America, where Metallica is signed to Warner Music, and a day earlier everywhere else. Universal handles the band internationally.

In a last-minute move Metallica's previous album, the commercial disappointment "St. Anger," was released a few days earlier than planned, ostensibly to combat piracy.

On Friday, Metallica shot a video near Los Angeles for first single "The Day That Never Comes." It was directed by drummer Lars Ulrich's Danish compatriot Thomas Vinterberg.

Metallica will be back on stage Saturday at Ozzfest in Dallas. At that gig, guitarist Kirk Hammett will join Slayer's Kerry King, Alice In Chains' Jerry Cantrell and Anthrax's Scott Ian in a tribute to late Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, who was murdered on stage in Columbus, Ohio, in 2004.

Reuters/Billboard

The Commissionary Position - Volume 1 Issue 2

This year's sister league to our main gridiron endeavor is none other than the long-awaited Mistakes League, in which we celebrate the worst that on-field football has to offer. Gone are the days of agonizing over whether or not to take a QB in the first round, trying to figure out which rookie RBs will be the breakout stars or hoping the Defense you picked up is as good as it looks on paper.

Well, actually, you still have all those problems, just in reverse - now you get nowhere by picking players that are any good, and can only advance by coasting on the jet-streams of failure that propel the league's most hapless players into the spotlight of ridicule on various nationwide post-game radio and television shows.

In general, the only ways to earn points are through fumbles, interceptions, missed FGs and defensive incompetence. You've all received an invitation to this illustrious league, but here's the current scoring system for quick reference:

Offense:
Incomplete Passes (10)
Interceptions (300)
Sacks (100)
Fumbles (100)
Fumbles Lost (300)

Kicking:
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards (750)
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards (500)
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards (250)
Field Goals Missed 40-49 Yards (100)
Point After Attempt Missed (1000)

Defense:
Points Allowed 1-6 points (250)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (500)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (750)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (1000)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (1500)
Points Allowed 35+ points (2000)

Everything else is worth 0. Note that the "Sacks" category above is listed under "Offense", so I presume it's the number of points awarded (normally subtracted) if your QB goes down. It's not used in our main league, so I can't confirm. Also, this league is scored on points only... we don't play head-to-head games each week. Whoever can rack up the most terribleness by season's end will take the crown!

The draft time is set for Sunday, 8/31 at 2:30pm CST... that's an hour-and-a-half after the "real league" draft, which was as close together as I could make them. So join up (let me know if the invites don't arrive) and post your comments/thoughts/opinions on the scoring system... we may not have a full 8 teams for this one, but we'll see.

- Commissioner Chunder

The Commissionary Position - Volume 1 Issue 1

...requesting uplink...
...requesting uplink...
...requesting uplink...
...connected.

>sftp commish@tactical1
>connecting to tactical1 (10.12.240.666):
>commish password on tactical1:
tactical1:/> kill -15 `head -1 /etc/mail/sendmail.pid`
tactical1:/> broadcast.ksh


Dudes,
Since football season is closer than you probably think, I went in and made some updates to the FF league. Nothing drastic, but you'll find the changes detailed below... you can see all these in the "Recent Transactions" board our league's Yahoo site, but I figured this would be the best place to collect them and discuss as a group. Here they be:

League

1) Draft Time - Set for Saturday, August 30th at 1pm CST. Let me know as soon as you can if this is bad for you.

2) Playoffs - Playoffs?? Playoffs are now Weeks 15 & 16. I did this to avoid having the Super Bowl during the Week 17 wasteland... and also to have an even number matchups (you'll now play every team twice).

Points System

1) Defensive Point tiers - You'll now get a varying amount of points relative to how many your defense allows during the game... no more "all-or-nothing" scenarios that depend upon a shutout. A shutout is still worth 2000, but you can also earn the following:

1-6 points allowed: 1000
7-13 points allowed: 500
14-20 points allowed: 250

Then zero for 21+. There are categories for 21-27, 28-34 and 35+, but I didn't use them... though I like that we have the option, especially since it gave me an awesome idea for the Mistakes League!! This is my favorite update of the season and the one I feel we should keep through the ages. Do the above figures look OK to everyone?

2) Kickoff & Punt Return touchdowns - This wasn't checked by default, but I activated it and made it worth 600.

3) Bonus Offense - Just for fun I added a Level 2 bonus that's awarded if you have a QB who somehow manages to throw for 500 yards in a single game, or someone who rushes or receives for 300... all of which are worth 1000.

I also eliminated the bonus for Return Yards. Actual yardage and touchdowns are still worth the same amount as their rushing and receiving counterparts, but if you want to rack up bonuses at the WR slot you're going to have to play an actual WR. Sorry. :)

As a side note, Yahoo lets you specify up to three bonuses... so if we wanted we could increment these differently, or even decrease everything else and making the Level 3 bonus worth an absurd amount of points (the game-breaking nuclear play??).

Rosters

1) Flex spot - WR/RB is in. WR/TE is out.

2) That's it, really. Do we want any changes to the rosters? I'm not talking about the core mechanics (we'll keep 2 QBs, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, etc.), or even Mike & The Mechanics, but do we want to look into an additional flex spot or more bench room? I thought about increasing the latter from 8 to 10, but I don't want teams to start hoarding, like those people you sometimes see on the news who have like 300 cats.


Let me know what you all think... in the meantime, I'll be crafting a customary new Avatar for the coming mayhem.

- Commissioner Gordon


tactical1:/> exit

Hello?

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you

The Dark Knight

From imdb.com, as of 2:20am CST, Sunday July 20th 2008:

Lewbowskifest 2008....In a word: balls!

So, in case anyone was curious, Lebowskifest DID HAPPEN. It ended up being me, Kevin Lange, Geoff, Flounder and Kevin's special lady friend Laurie. Words can't really explain the story as well as pictures. So enjoy the ones at the link above.

In the end I ended up winning a Liam autographed ball buffer for bowling a 172 (which is about 130 points off my average), which I summarily lost somewhere between the bowling party and the after party. Geoff ended up winning the 'Hardest Traveled' trophy due to making the event despite the fact he had surgery on his achilles earlier in the week. He had been training for a marathon when he ran over a broken bottle that had been left in the street. It flipped up and did some damage. Geoff spent the weekend with us rolling him around a la The Big Lebowski! Between Friday Night and the wee hours of Sunday, we consumed a horrendous amount of White Russians - including buying about 30 of them when they started selling them '2 for 1' at the end of the night - and having to polish them off/give them away within 5 minutes. Not to mention the two 1 gallon jugs of White Russians that the bar manager finally sold to us at the end of the night -after about two days of joking with them that we wanted to buy 'the jug'. All in all it was a good time. We checked out the comedian and the movie screening, which was fun. The bowling was fun too. We didn't catch most of the bands on the second day because it was just god awful warm outside. Although we did take part in some of the games, like the 'ringer toss' where you have to throw the bag of Walter's 'whites' over the car (from the driver's seat) and hit the Nihilist dummy that is standing there. All in all, it was a good time, and I'd recommend it to anyone with more than a passing fancy for the movie. Although I would say that the trip to Louisville is probably just a one-shot deal. I think from here on out I'll stick to the Chicago event - unless they have something really cool in terms of bands or entertainers in Louisville.

CHECK THIS OUT RIGHT NOW

Yup. It's the Watchmen Trailer. I am impressed.

.

Black Skittle

I found these lyrics as I was going through some old folders a couple weeks ago - they were written on a bar napkin, in case that tells you anything:

Black Skittle, the lottery you've won
Black Skittle, the flavor weighs a ton
Black Skittle, placed upon your tomb
Black Skittle, taste the rainbow - OF TOTAL FUCKING DOOM!!!

(go nuts)

Morphogenesis

this is Year Zero, all we know has died
the mutiny came so sudden, killing yesterday

thoughts that force discordance away, once more an era is fading
whatever dreams we're reaching to claim, decides the path we are taking

gone forever
we are done with worldviews mechanical
none shall ever
be a slave to thoughts inside their heads

mind is the master, morphogenesis
this structure remains untrodden, a new reality

bleeding through
all the spheres
all our thoughts
all our fears
gaining life
soul, mind, heart, feeding starts now
rising from
ashen dust
through our sins
karmic cost
measured souls
weigh our hearts, judge our thoughts, no

thoughts that force discordance away, once more an era is fading
whatever dreams we're reaching to claim, decides the path we are taking

gone forever
we are done with worldviews mechanical
none shall ever
be a slave to thoughts inside their heads


- Scar Symmetry, "Morphogenesis"

Send Barrack Your Baby

THIS is friggin' awesome.