I want to be like Ken!

Well it's not quite the hunger but I figured I need to start adding my own bands to the list. Some of you may have already seen this on Family Guy, but I think its worth making sure we take a minute out of ourlives to waste a bit more time.

CTA DOOMSDAY EDGES CLOSER

Maybe you own a new car. Maybe it's the car of the future that runs off magic. Well, if you are that person I envy you. Because if I want to go anywhere of note, I have to take the CTA.

Now you may remember I blogged on how I went to a CTA meeting a while back, and it turned out to be pretty much everything the Onion said it would be (see link). But despite all the inanity of that meeting, I never really thought that Illinois politicians would have enough balls to anger every single voter who takes the CTA, Metra, and Pace. In fact, I smiled as I thought about it...if the CTA went offline what would happen to Chicago's economy? I was able to laugh at this scenario because I was positive they would work something out to delay a fare increase and service decrease and avoid screwing over the working man. To do otherwise would be political suicide...right?

But now Governor Blagojevich, Emil Jones, Mayor Daley, the Madigans and anyone else in charge is preparing to "Deer Hunter" themselves. I just don't understand why.

The Gov says he is opposed to raising taxes on working people. Hey Numbnuts-Maybe you didn't realize this but working people--the same working people IN CHICAGO who overwhelmingly elected you two times--are still gonna lose that money when fares go up. Probably more than the .05% they'd spend on a sales tax that would remedy the problem. This proves that a skeevy politician can't save you from skeevy politicians.

Tom Cross, Some dickhead representative from Oswego says he wouldn't approve the measure unless the legislature approved more money for the roads in his district to relieve traffic congestion. Guess what duder? You better tack on another hour to your commute--because of you it is now cheaper to drive than it is to take the train. So all those people who took Metra are gonna be sitting ahead of you in traffic. E-A-D!

Also, I hope you enjoy polishing up your resume. Hopefully you'll need to after the first Tuesday in November.

iThink you are a big Pussy

Recently news broke that Apple is going to reduce the price of the 8GB iPhone to only $399. Now a bunch of people are pissed because they paid $600 for it--and get this--they want their $200 back!

Now if I am Steve Jobs this is the part where I make the customer kiss my iAss.

See, back in the middle of the summer when this thing came out people couldn't wait to pay $600. Hell, there are people who would have paid two or three times that. And when they got one I bet it was worth every goddamn ipenny to their self-centered pretentious asses. The truth of the matter is, people would STILL be paying $600 for one if the price wasn't reduced and they'd be happy about it. The consumer's made the decision that having the newest gizmo was more important than having $600...knowing full well the price would eventually drop.

Now that it has they have no right to be upset. Sometimes you eat a shit sandwich with no napkin, assholes, and this is one of those times when you saddle up to the counter and dig on in.

"No, PowerSurgeon, you are wrong!" You disagree? Well, then I am sure you are going to do your damndest to get me back all the money I spent on this:

That's right. The original 6 Switch Atari 2600, complete with 2 joystick controllers, a TV switch, 2 paddles, and COMBAT. I spent well over $200 of my parent's money on this when it debuted in 1977 and I still have the welts my folks peppered on my ass to prove it. Now, you can get this at a garage sale for $5, IF the owner is the King of all Hagglers. Just today on the street I saw somebody try to give a homeless guy a copy of COMBAT and the homeless guy wouldn't even wipe his bottom with it. Seriously, How was I supposed to know the price was going to drop through the floor?

Shut up you pretentious dickheads, and enjoy your silly little device.

Happy Birthday Surge!

Know what time it is?
It's your birthday, boyyyyeee!

Bonds Reaches for the ****'s

Well, Barry Bonds did it. He devalued "the most hallowed record in all of sports" and proved that bad guys can win, crime DOES pay, and users are not always losers. Home Run number 756 sailed out of AT&T park last night, and I feel a little sadder for having this guy as the Home Run King. That's because even in the mind of the most die hard Giants fan, there is a small voice that says something isn't right. That is this:

1. He admitted to using steroids. HE USED PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS. According to him though, he thought it was flaxseed oil. It was unintentional.

2. His head grew 1.5" and his feet grew 2 sizes after age 35, but he never consulted a doctor about this acute onset elephantitus. Why not? Because he knew he was using drugs that caused that to happen.

3. If an honest player found out he was using steroids, that he was unknowingly dosed with them, he would come forward immediately and report what had happened and make sure the person who slipped him a genetic mickey went away for a while. Bonds did not do this either.
4. Barry Bonds is an a**hole. I would rather pay to see him get hit by a bat, than hit something with a bat.

5. Visual aids above.


Edit By Ken:

Don't forget this one:

More Music Artists Under the Scimitar Label

Due to the overwhelming success of 'The Hunger', I've decided to add two MEGASTAR artists to my record label. I hope you are as excited as I am. If not, I will spite you.

Prepare to be spitten!

Top 10 strip club names

I can't decide if these are the ten best or the ten worst, so I'll leave that up to you, the reader.

1. The Grand Opening
2. Crusty Olive
3. The Sloppery
4. Crabcakes
5. Haunted Ho's
6. Hogwart's
7. Barter Town
8. the lobby of the UHS building
9. Brew 'n Brawl
10. Altered Breasts


I need sleep....

Say it ain't so!

I just heard a report that in August, the Weekly World News will no longer print up their wonderful and crazy stories that helped shape our Posse scrapbook ... this really is the year of my discontent.

I'm Promoting A New Band

Check these guys out!

The Greatest Bar Ever

Recently, Kauke invited me out to a bar. The place is real close to where I live, so I swung on by.

Little did I know that I was entering the closest thing to Valhalla on Earth.

I know this because as I entered the Clutch LP PITCHFORK was playing.

KUMA'S CORNER

http://kumas-corner.com/index.php

Where all the 1/2 Pound Hamburgers are named after Metal Bands!

Of course I ate the Clutch Burger...It was good.

The only complaints I have about this place is that it is kind of pricey. Next time you visit me, we'll go there.

Stop Ducking Me, Benoit!

Chris Benoit! Lots of people acknowledge you as the best technical wrestler in the world today! Well that's just because they haven't yet seen the likes of the Mysterious Quasar! You may have pinned Fatback Jack's shoulders to the mat for a three count, and ended the reign of Trent Vanity as AWF champ, but you won't beat Quasar...because you can't! My gamma ray repeating powerbomb will prove to be your final undoing. After I have pinned you and ended your career, I will make you will raise my hand in the air and acknowledge me as not only as a superior wrestler, but as a superior being. And only then will you have shown me the proper respect that I have earned as the 5 time Mr. Alternate Universe. There is nowhere to hide Benoit, because the Final Answer Pay Per View is this Sunday! See you there!




What?

Movie of the Week: Harsh Times

"Do you portray a Mexican in this movie?" "Yes" "No, I'm sorry, that's a lie" "Okay, I'm really black" "No, that's a lie as well" "Okay, I'm really Welsh with a bad accent" "Correct."





Being new parents, our trips out of the house have become less frequent and we've become more dependent on finding things to do at home. Add to that the fact that most of the good shows on TV are now on hiatus. So, we decided to sign up for Blockbuster Total Access and start watching more movies - some that we'd probably never consider watching. Enter HARSH TIMES. I'm not posting this review on SC because it's not really going to be a review. And this movie isn't really worthy of a review. What it is worthy of though, is you watching it. I highly suggest grabbing your alcoholic beverage of choice and sitting down with this cinematic gem. While I believe that this movie was intended to be a gripping suspense drama that portrayed the harsh effects that the Iraq and Afghani wars are having on our soldiers that come home, it ended up - to me - being a hilarious buddy comedy! Here's the movie in a nutshell: Christian Bale can't decide if he's white, black, or Mexican, his Mexican friend can't decide if he's Mexican, Black, or White, Eva Longoria is hot, they drive around all day buying and selling drugs and guns and there's never a driving scene where they aren't either drinking beer or getting high. Throw in some hilarious 'yo homey gangsta' dialogue and you've got the best ghetto comedy since 'Friday After Next'.

Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer

I miss this thing.

Guess who's back, once again, Cash is back (kinda), tell a friend....

Oh you didn't know?!?!?

Well Your Ass Better Tell Somebody!!

Ok, so it's not James Earl Cash this time, but they're making it for the Wii! I don't have one, but this game is the first good reason I've seen to own one. Imagine being able to brain someone with a crowbar by swinging your arm repeatedly!!! :D

A couple good sites to waste your time with....

I've been sucked into the world of blogs and found a couple sites that are worth sharing:

http://www.consumerist.com/ - an entertaining site that mostly dishes the dirt on companies and calls them out when they do stupid shite.


http://www.lifehacker.com/ - kinda hard to explain everything they cover on this site, but I learn something new every day.

http://pfblogs.org/ - It's an index of several dozen personal finance blogs that updates itself whenever one of those blogs adds a new post. If you want to get your finance shit in gear, go here.


http://www.freakonomics.com/blog/ - If you haven't read Freakonomics, go pick it up. It's a pretty entertaining book. Anyway, this blog is written by the two authors. They cover all kinds of topics and are usually entertaining.

And here's a random picture:

POSTING MADNESS!

Darth Ass

Click HERE for a little something to brighten your day.

Gettin Older...

I am losing it...

With no Air Conditioning, it is good I have no visitors. This is because when I am at home in summer my outfit usually consists of unchanged boxer shorts and a bbq suace and blood stained wife beater. So while dressing for the day is pretty easy, it is no way to receive company. I recenty realized why as I was passing by a mirror. Then I saw something. Something terrifying.

I have started to develop a paunch. You know, that funny roly poly bump just below your abs but above your junk? For years I have dodged it, hoping I wouldn't have to do any actual
work to appear attractive. It was great. I would look at others and secretly smile inside, knowing that for one more day, I had avoided the roly-poly fate that had beset my brethren.

I used to look at my dad's paunch and, along with his mustache, used to think it made him look ridiculous. (Add 70's fashion on top of that and the only thing I can logically attribute to my existence to is drugs). As a result, I have usually avoided beer and fast food and have invested heavily in Gillette products. But still I end up with one of these things. And honestly, it is like subtracting at least 1 from the length=length + 2 equation.

Anyway, I have to fix this. I don't know how. Will sit ups do it? This thing is below my abs, so I don't know. I may have to call in Billy Blanks and his Fat Fighting Special Forces. It seems my intestines have grown like the Grinches heart on Christmas morning. Even If I stand up straight it's still there.

Now, I don't have the graphical capabilities of a Ken, but here is some before & after magic, courtesy of MSPAINT.

Comments Welcome....

Its Doomsday!!!!

Some of you may have heard that here in downtown Chicago that the CTA has once again proposed a DOOMSDAY Scenario in case the IL state legislature doesn't come through with $110 Million to fund the system. This includes doubling most fares and generally sticking it to the working man, bringing new meaning to the phrase "CTA: Take It!" that mysteriously disappeared a few years ago.

Anyway, in light of these proposed fare increases, the CTA braintrusts, including new chairman and owner of a rock solid handshake Ron Huberman, decided to have a series of town hall meetings around the city to listen to what the people have to say and to emphasize that they don't want to have to raise fares, but will if they have to. And.....what the hell? One of these meetings is within walking distance of my place! I don't even have to take the bus to get there!

So I went.

I am almost sorry I did.

AS you entered you signed in. They gave each person a color coded card that would determine what order you would speak in. I took mine and sat towards the back, expecting to leave and get dinner before the GREEN CARDS (heh) got to speak at 8:30. Ron Huberman gave a brief presentation then opened the floor to comments. Upon further refelction, he opened the gates of hell.

Have you ever listened to the Gettysburg Address and had a chill run down your spine as it concludes with the part of "government of the people, by the people, for the people" not perishing from the earth? Well, those people must have been a lot less crazy when Lincoln was alive, because I am pretty sure Lincoln didn't intend for the government to be left in the hands of the people who go to CTA meetings.

Most people just stood up and griped about the service or cleanliness, or the general body odor of Bus Drivers. But some people really took the cake, the plate, and the tablecloth. The second dude to speak started rambling about the military industrial complex. He was booed down by a hostile Chicago crowd. "Don't I get three minutes?!?" he asked. "No" yelled the man in front of me. "You're Gone!" I added.

One lady couldn't speak English very well. Her comments consisted of "Washington Deee-Ceee Transport. Boston Transport. San Francisco Transport. Thank You." And in fact most comments were like that...rambling or complaining and completely without a point whatsoever. It was infuriating. I had shown up miffed about the possibility of fares increasing, and as the meeting went on I just got mad at the people who had shown up. Including the guy who spoke before I did--who looked like a mountain man, wouldn't cede the microphone, then wondered why noone listened to him.

Now it was my turn. I was pretty nervous. I thanked the board for coming out to listen to the People. I got some applause. Then I turned on the crowd. I told them board wouldn't listen to their rambling unless they had a specific point and wouldn't clean up the pee in the Subway--deal with it. Finally, I said that asking for money every year wsa just putting a band aid on a massive $110 Million head wound. A Band Aid wouldn't cut it. We need to do something to fix the wound, then make sure it doensn't happen next year. Well, the blind people still applauded for me. Then I went to Burger King.

Underground No More

Shit, you miss a month, you miss a lot.

First, let me get some stuff out of the way:
1. Ken I am happy your daughter is doing well. I can't wait to see her. I hope she looks like her mother, though.

2. Dan- You Graduated! Good for you! Unfortunately, my sister had a baby, and lost her shape. That is unless she is reading this board. In which case I mean her shape improved.

3. Kevin- Keep maintaining. See you at the CC show.

4. M.I.L.O.?

Allright- now where have I been? Well, I used to spend a lot of time posting after work at a Major Metropolitan Newspaper...Ok it was the Chicago Tribune. I don't want to rant about how terrible working there was, but mangement was sick of me and I was sick of them. The day after that job ended I was offered another job that pays about twice as much as I was getting at the trib. So I landed on my feet. Hopefully, my computer there will be set up soon and I can begin to post more regularly again.