Dave,
I know things are not going well for you. Jane's Addiction did not make very good music, and I guess you are no longer with the Chili Peppers because I think I saw you on that Supernova show with Tommy "Pam ditched me" Lee and Jason "Lars Ditched Me" Newstead. On top of that, the price for cigarrettes and mascara has never been higher. It is obvious because every time you appear in public you are appear like a homeless Jack Sparrow, minus one thing:
A T-SHIRT!!!!!!
So I tell you what, buddy. I went out and got you one. I know you would rather I purchased a CD or some other merch, but I think I'll get better mileage out of this. And this is no ordinary mans HANES t-shirt, no sir. This is special. It is snug so all the bitches can still see your muscles. Also, it comes with special padding to protect your sensitive sword-pierced nipples. I even got some dude to sew a POLO label on it. So come and get it Dave....you no longer have to go shirtless.
You're Welcome.
Sadly, I think he would just use the shirt to wipe the sweat off of the latest hooker/stripper/failed actress he bangs.
ReplyDeleteI was pretty disappointed that Newsted was in that bunch. First off, with a rookie lead singer - unless the whole thing is fixed - the band is destined to fall apart quickly. Second, I thought Newsted was harder than that and had left Metallica because they were making music without actually listening to it and making sure that it is studio quality before they release it.
ReplyDeleteI haven't watch Rockstar religiously, but what I have seen is pretty mediocre.
Aside from all that, this post is THE BOMB YO!
The whole thing reeks of gimmick-dom. If you have to be on a show called rockstar to be a rock star, you are not a rock star. The only way this is not true is if you go Kip Flesher on everyone's ass. Like going on the show, then after the first episode you disappear mysteriously, then just as mysteriously return with footage of you Getting Drunk, Setting Something on fire and having a 3 some with Carmen Elektra and Pam Anderson, then telling all the guys in the band to go fuck themselves as you are overdosing on heroin--THAT'S AN F'N ROCKSTAR!
ReplyDeleteThe day Josh stops writing will be a sad, sad day. I think I see a storyline developing. Maybe Ian can storyboard out the plot for you.
ReplyDeleteNot until you join our league!!! Get in the game, Dan ... Our league is not complete without all 5 members working in unison to form the giant robot.
ReplyDeleteI could throw countless more cheesisms in here ... don't make me do it!
And You'll Form the head!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteA few things here.
ReplyDelete1) I'm having a hard time deciding if "the price of cigarettes and mascara", "homeless Jack Sparrow" or "sword-pierced nipples" is my favorite line from this.
2) Newsted's full-time gig right now is with Voivod. Not sure what he hopes to gain out of Supernova, but his other projects are generally heavier and a lot less mainstream.
3) see #4
4) didn't you see #3?
5) I think Navarro has already done most of the things Josh mentioned in his comment, except for maybe the "setting things on fire" part.
6) BLAU
How you like me now!
ReplyDeleteBut has he done them all at the same time....? Wyndorf has.
ReplyDeleteand who the HELL is GILBY Clarke anyway?!!? Was he in the first incarnation of GNR? Or was he in the second? Or was he the guy with the KFC bucket on his head?
ReplyDelete