Full Force wine reviews

If you're looking to purchase a fine wine for someone on your gift list this year, or are yourself a wine reviewer who's struggling with a deadline and desperate to steal someone else's material, then this post will help you find either a) that perfect gift, or b) that perfect five-dollar turn of phrase about bouquets and flavor notes, with an overall sense of general snobbery punctuated by an arbitrary two-digit score.

Enjoy with amore!

Château de Sexe 2005

Caresses the palate with rich sensations akin to a lady's supple, honey-dewed vulva. A delightful precursor to drunken intercourse.

93/100

La Casa di Palle 2009

Boasts a flavor reminiscent of a marathon runner's sock at the twenty-fifth mile. Packs a spiteful, punishing finish which lingers not unlike a stab wound. Drink it alone, in a black room, while staring angrily into the abyss.

51/100

Enrique's Revenge 2008

A maddeningly complex, supremely deceptive vintage with a nose that suggests blueberries, burning leaves and boiled football leather, meticulously unfolding to reveal a finish with hints of honey, fried chicken and blood.

A dreadful, barely-perceptible undercurrent of white noise fills your head with each sip. For some reason, tastes completely different if you have a beard. The winemaking equivalent of an M.C. Escher painting.

89/100? I think?

Wyckoff Vineyards' Special Reserve Chardonnay 1996

A firm structure and sweet oak flavor that pairs well with fish sticks.

74/100

iWine 2011

The world's first digital cabernet sauvignon, only available for the Apple iPad 2 via the iTunes store. After purchasing a bottle/copy, users point the rear (HD) camera lens at their head, which fires an information-rich beam of light into the human temporal lobe, simulating the sensory, muscular and nervous responses associated with drinking a glass of wine.

While the "wine" itself is below average and merits little discussion, 38 points have been added to the score due to the satisfaction gained from directing the beam onto the heads of strangers in a public park.

78/100

Jimson's Flavor Circus Circa 2002

Terrible.

6/100

Eyeball Tornado 2010

100/100

The vintage of the true Fantasy Football champion. Intoxicates you almost immediately yet improves your ability to drive a car and operate machinery by 275%. It's red, if knowing that sort of thing is important to you. Rest assured that it is fucking unbelievable in all respects. Every bottle comes with a free MP3 download of the song "Eyeball Tornado" from JE, which includes full lyrics printed on the label:

eyeball tornado

the all-seeing storm

a cold front of fear

freezing yet warm

eyeball tornado

ruins your town

drowns your whole city

drags it all down

(solo: Lombard)

eyeball tornado

complete disarray

fills you with terror

blows you away

eyeball tornado

so inhumane

beating you senseless

fucking insane

(solo: Thayil)

eyeball tornado

the thought makes you sick

your last living memory

is eating a dick

*death metal vox* BBBBLLLLLLRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *vomit*

(final instrumental break - GO NUTS)