Animation Reparations

While I was sitting on the floor eating dinner I found that I hadn't seen the first Family Guy that aired tonight (where Lois becomes a model), so I'm going to comment on what I thought was funny as if it were all brand new:

"No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck"

Peter: "That's great Lois, and I'll pleasure myself to your photos!"
Chris: "Me too!!"
Meg: "Me too! ... ...I'm just trying to fit in!"

Quagmire to the old model agent (pointing to her tracheotomy): "ever get freaky with that thing?"

"Peter, I just got a wax this afternoon, and let's just say, 'you're clear for landing'!!"
Quagmire (offscreen): "giggity!"

God's reply to Adam and Eve when asked about the tree in the Garden of Eden : "You know, I would just not go near it at all" (pan out to reveal stacks of porn)

Lois' dad making Peter eat a pinecone. "Finish it, eat it all!!!" "It's awful!!"



SPOOGE!!!!!!!!!

Pearl Harbor sucked...

Almost as much as I love you...doo doo doo de doo do..sorry. I know I'm still in college working on college stuff but I'd like to start at LEAST concpetualizing or outlining our goals for our future company aka UH$ex. I feel that now most MMO's and other games require a capital well past 20 big ones (or is it 20 large) as in 20 MIL we should be well prepared to all throw our balls in and see what happens. And for the record I'm glad Full Force still posts here. He's the only one that keeps me grounded. And by grounded I mean confident, wise, erroneously, pontificated, deoxyribonucleated and condensermyjohnson.

In other words it couldn't hurt to revisit our ideas before our site gets "flagged" too many time by the new button in the upperighthand corner. Our posts can only survive in the wild so long not unlike the way SNAAAAKE survived the tanker level. MG2 was a great game but the story left me a bit confused when the got to the lallyleulilolan part. Anyone know what I'm talking about? No? Please keep reading.

Pretend for a second I was never a part of your life. Got it? Now let it go because I'm not fucking going anywhere. As much as Tanner taught me at OX, I believe I learned more about life when I was holding on to the toilet bowl on my 21st birthday than I did with any conversation I had with him. Then again he did tell me to go back to class. Which I did. For a day.

But that's beside the point, you see I don't fill our great blog with verbose, overdone, cliche, trite, meaningless meander that would only just eek its way out of one of Ken's roommates mouths. No, I ask for more. I want to be free from the gaming laws that hold us down. Imagine if you well a gaming console with no controller. Think of the freedom vaporware will have on our audience. Add in the cost savings by bundling in no controller and we have a winner. Kids standing in front of their tv realizing they were screwed out of $400 just because a couple Bradley grads and one dropout came up with the idea first.

The fact is gentlemen, we are ideas men. And as long as we live our ideas will permeate each others membranes until we have created in ourselves the most perfect understanding of what a videogame should be- and at the last, I will be there to form the head. While the rest of you are getting it.


"Why is Dan Bowers using the phone?"

"Ok Ian, I'm gonna kick the door in and you look scared" and Ian locked the door thus locking me out.

"I think the stove is on. Yes it's definitely on because that brown bag is now on fire- oh my God that could be in party 64!"

"I disconnected the internet but he figured that out so I put this piece of paper in the port. He hasn't figured that out yet."

"Hi my name is Ken." "Hi Ken, is your roommate a cool guy?" "No."

"I had to keep getting up and going to the fountain for water. I think there's salt in it."

"Dude, stoner just threw a trashcan on Bradley and all Bradley told Hapa was 'I didn't see who did I just saw sandals.'"

and the one thing I never said:

"Well, I'm off to the library."

I LIVE!!

I'm back online and ready to resume assault on the blog!! I've got DSL through SBC in house and look forward to revisiting all the unearthly delights contained herein. Right now I'm going to read through the 5,000 movie reviews that are probably up on Ian's site. Feel free to browse old posts and read the inane comments I've left there... it will be like a special re-release of a post with bonus material (which isn't worth the price), or a game you sucked at as a kid which you can now get further in. Which reminds me, I've still never beaten Blaster Master...

The Sobering Conclusion: "Grizzly Man"

Since it opened at my theatre today, I stuck around and caught the late show of Grizzly Man. One bonus for this film that had me going was that the guy in the film attended Bradley University.

That's right, all the kooks attend BU, baby! Oh, and I believe they say he started to develop his drinking problem there. If he had attended 10 years later, I bet Ken would have had him for a roommate.

The Initial Response: Supercross

I don't know what to say about this movie except that it looks like it was made about 10 years too late. It would have fit right in in 1995 with the new X games generation. I bet afterwords, impressionable kids will be leaving the theater, saying things like "That was off the chain" or "I live on the edge and I always look down" or "Fab540" or other EXXXXTREME phrases. I honestly don't know what the story is suppposed to be, but I bet the following:

1. There are EXXXXXTREEEEME Camera tricks like one would see on MTV. Slow down shots, Blurry shots, High speed shots, All kinds of messed up camera angles.

2. There are two characters who are rival motocross drivers dislike each other intensely. Despite the fact there are multiple racers involved in each contest, every race will somehow come down to a contest between only these two. The protaganist will probably lose at first, have a montage about capturing life on the edge, get a girlfriend and then win the final race.

3. There will be a product placement for Moutain Dew and some kind of pizza.

4. Hank will down another bag of hammers after this one.

I don't know who is in this movie. I don't care. The only reason I would see it would be to see if my predictions, based on only the trailer, are correct. And Our movie critic will probably tell me anyway. SO good luck, Ian. You, who are about to cry, salute me.

Dear Boston: FU

TO the fans of any Boston area sports franchise: Go f yourselves.

For too long we listened as you moped about your "cursed" Red Sox. We even cheered for them last year just to shut you up. That curse was Bullcrap. You want a curse--try this. Take the Red Sox multiply them by two, giving Boston 2 teams. Then NEITHER OF THEM OF WIN THE WORLD SERIES FOR OVER 86 YEARS. That's a curse my friends. Or take the Patriots and every year they will draft a quarterback made of glass. AS soon as that QB is injured, the season is over. Or a hockey team that treats fans like rugburn. F you Boston. F you.

The Sobering Conclusion: "The Dukes of Hazard"

I did it. I saw it. I wrote about it. Click Here to see why you're not seeing this unless Ed McMahon hands over the check before you enter the theater.

The Sobering Conclusion: "The Aristocrats"

To all former Wyckoff 3 residents: Take some of those passes I've sent to the Chicago-land area and use them on The Aristocrats. It's playing at Landmark's Renaissance Place Cinema (847) 258-7282. Showing at least through this Thursday at (1:30 4:00) 6:30 8:45 Dolby SR, No one under 18 admitted, so don't bring your little sisters.

Holy Shit ... What the fuck?!?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418279/combined

Notice not only the film, but the director and producer.

Gather your children and belongings. The world is ending July 4, 2007.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Happy Endings"

I think it's safe to say that as shown by the amount of films I'm getting to lately, if you can't reach me at home or at the office, check in theatre 4. I tend to sit off to one side near the upper middle of the auditorium.

Oh, and enjoy this review of Happy Endings.

:)

Xbox Live

After finally shuffling my DSL and Wireless router setup in my house, I now have my Xbox wired directly to my router, thus I am ready to game online for 50 hours straight!!!! I'm pretty sure Kevin and Josh are PS2 fags (FOOTball!) so I guess I was wondering if you other guys have Xbox Live?!?!

In theory, it sounds awesome, because it isn't just about online gaming. It's about the fact that in every game, everyone has a headset, and you can most likely just totally fuck with people. On top of that, you can disguise your voice and sound like a rapist....Dan can obviously ignore this feature.

So it's almost like the audio version of AOL chat room attacks. Noone could defeat us, because they'd be way too distracted by our vulgar and confusing banter.

As a result, I order all of you to go out and buy an xbox, xbox live, and some Tom Clancy game :D

2007 will be the best year ever ...

While I am saddened by the idea of a man who can't play more than 50 hours of video games straight, this nugget of cinematic gold will perk us all back up ... Check out this link:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0430878/

You've got to be kidding me...

Man dies after playing videogames for 50 hours straight?! I have a Bradley friend who played them for a semester straight and he's doin fine AKA MIKE BRADLEY!

Link to Jobe from the Lawnmower man

The Sobering Conclusion: "Murderball"

I feel like quite a pansy after watching this film. But on the plus side, my patriotism is at near-peak levels again. Check out Murderball .

The Sobering Conclusion: "March of the Penguins"

By popular demand: March of the Penguins.

Sorry I have to do this...

I just read that people are getting fired from companies for writing about them on blogs. Well what if I write about the company I hate but USED to work for? HAHA!

Namely the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH newspaper AKA the ST. LOUIS POST-DISGRACE liberal rag that is losing customers by the second. Let me add that the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH had union problems for forever because the writers guild is a full of bunch of fucking whinos who think the deserve over 60k a year to say stuff like "REPUBLICAN BAD DEMOCRAT GOOD" or "KERRY IS TEH BEST!?". Let me also add that the paper namely the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH was recently bought out by Lee Company and guess what? The union complained! Alert the fucking media!

The best thing Lee could do with that company is liquidate its ass and watch the golder parachutes come open.

CBC.

My Trip To the Bristol Renaissance Faire

When you think geek, what do you think of? Computers? Dungeons and Dragons? People dressed in Medieval garb?

Well, what if I told you that all of this, and MORE could be found in one magical place? You wouldn't care would you? Well, I didn't either - but I must continue.

Whenever I would hear the words 'Renaissance Faire', I would automatically laugh and think of people that had nothing better to do than dress up in Renassance garb - most often costumes that were far from 'custom tailored' and a little on the 'fat Spiderman' side. These were the people that forgot that Halloween was only ONCE a year, and didn't just start in October.

I never thought I would find myself in this magical place....but this past weekend...I DID!

Our neighbors, RenFaire vets, invited us to join them -sans costume- to the local Renaissance Faire, just across the border in Wisconsin. What I found was that the Renaissance Faire was not just a bunch of dorks dressed in poorly made costumes rolling dice and slaying air - no, no. The Faire is all about boobs, comedy, poorly coreographed swordplay, AND fat people in costume!

Since I am not much of a writer, I'm going to just stick with my specialty - LISTS! So here are some of the highlights and lowlights of my adventures:

Best Drink At The Faire: Sassafras - it's only a buck (which is rediculous compared to usual park prices and even the prices for everything else at the faire) for what is basically root beer with a little black licoriche flavor in it. It's pretty good.

Lamest Costume: Oh man, while it would be easy (yet challenging) to give this one out to any number of people, I have to give it to one specific person who, I thought, just brought the whole place to a screeching halt. Imagine this scene: you're at the Faire. All of the workers there are dressed in renaissance/medieval garb. Professional outfits, the works. They are doing their best to make things feel authentic and really make this a great experience for everyone attending. You have your visitors who dress up, and sometimes like look like a sausage in a potato sack -but hey, at least they're trying. But then, oh my, then, you have this one guy. Amongst all of this realism, you have this guy. Who is this guy you ask? Well, I shit you not, there, in living, breathing color, was none other than Nintendo's own.....LINK!

WTF?!!!?!??!!? LINK?!!?!?!? This guy had a FULL LINK COSTUME - down to the sword, shield, and Gamecube-era long elven hat. Talk about runing the entire experience. He might as well had Mario, Luigi and the Princess with him. Mega Man might as well been selling trinkets at the blacksmith shoppe. Oh look! It's Pro Wrestling's Star Man performing in the Kings Court! I felt like tapping this guy on the shoulder and just giving him a goddamn stunner.

Best costume: Any girl with a girdle on.

Most annoying person: (tie) Person 1: After purchasing an artichoke from a vendor, Sarah and I go about trying to eat it. Suddenly a lady comes up to us (you know the type) and starts yelling to her friend to look at what we were eating. She then proceeds to teach us how to eat the artichoke and even goes so far as to touch our damn food in the process. Person 2: During the swordplay/comedy show, I get pulled up on stage with a bunch of other guys. The guy standing next to me, obviously drunk off his first beer, (you know the type) and tries his damndest to upstage the performers and everyone else. Quite hilariously, he's making a jackass out of himself and does a little dance and a little 'tada!' with his arms, obviously in an attempt to get a response from the crowd. Silence. Capturing this moment of comedy gold, the performers throw up their hands in a cheesy stance and the crowd goes nuts. Sit down, asshole. Honorable mention: My neighbor and I are looking at some cool as swords, and the lady behind the counter proceeds to apologize to us for eating behind the counter. (we didn't notice, as we were way to engrossed at the huge ass broadswords were were wielding) she continues to apologize, even after we said 'uh, yeah, sure whatever' and she goes on a rant about how she is a diabetic and has to control her blood sugar, blah blah blah. I almost took my (Dancing) scimitar and slit her gullet.


I'm sure I have more stories that I can't think of right now, but all in all, I was fairly impressed by the Faire. The people watching is fantastic, the admission isn't too bad, and the entertainment was pretty good. There's a decent food selection and the prices are mid-level. Not as bad as Great America or a carnival - but not cheap either. The shops are horribly overpriced. All in all though, it's a good time. I'd definitely recommend that we check it out when Ian's in town. But this time, we take Link out back and beat the living Tri-Force out of him.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Stealth"

It's finally arrived: Stealth. Enjoy.

My parents aren't this cool

Check out the name on this kid ... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1564024/

While I'm playing with my Tally(whacker)

I have posted the "Must Love Men" review. and OH it is sooooo delightful. Here. stick this up my pooper and Here. take it, Josh, you don't have to really leave my anus.

Maybe this is a better solution. I can give quick head. Thoughts? Comments? Boners?

Hungry Hank the Tank who Spanks little boys.


*This message has been edited into a homoerotic love poem, however the actual links have not been changed* Please see comments section for details.

P-Posse News Wire: for immediate release

by Full Force
Science Editor
UGIJF
Updated: Aug. 4, 2005

Recent electronic and satellite information have confirmed
that E.N. Forbes, aka Hungry Hank, aka Shivan Dragon, aka
Jensen Dykelover, aka Coach Carter, aka Midknight, will be
in the Chicagoland area during September of 2005, Year of
the Walrus. While his true plans are unknown, even more
electronic and satellite information reveal that it's unlikely
he'll have a beard. Yet another satellite photo (seriously, he
"targeted" me with Google Maps!) shows that he's planned
to invade the recently-annexed domain of Full Force in the
northwest.

As of this writing Kevin and Josh are planning to drink beer
at the Clutch show tonight at 8pm. Clutch singer Neil Fallon
could not be reached for comment on whether or not his band
would re-launch Lilith Fair in 2007.


© 2005 UGIJF Interactive

The Sobering Conclusion of The Sobering Conclusion

As Dan so succinctly pointed out, this site is becoming over-populated by movie reviews and I agree. This madness must end!

As such, I will post only to the blog I put up from now on. You are all, of course, welcome to visit and post. Many new movies will be coming soon since we are still in summer blockbuster heaven.

www.soberc.blogspot.com

That's the place. I hate your race. I punch your face.

Worst Controller Ever: Sega Genesis

Seriously, the only way they could make that controller MORE uncomfortable is if they jerked off on it and added spikes!

The Sobering Conclusion: Stop Hijacking the goddamn website with movie reviews

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT DAN AND FAXANADU:

1)Dan has played Faxanadu although never owned it.
2)Dan remembers something in the game called an elixir but didn't know how to use it.
3)Dan remembers playing the game at someones house a long time ago but doesn't remember who it was.
4)Eat shit and die.
5)Faxanadu reminded Dan of one of his favorite NES games the Battle for Olympus.
6)If you haven't played Battle for Olympus you must download it illegally or find a copy. It's really that good.
7)Faxanadu is hard.
8)Sword of Vermillion is TEH RULZ! Thanks to Kevin J. Swabmyschlong for helping me through that game and allowing me to decide whether to turn in my uber sword and all my coinage for the sword of my johnson.
9)Wedding Crashers is a great movie. Vince Vaugn is sort of getting old though.
10) People in movies today aren't nearly as funny as those found in the 80's aka Bill Murray, Steve Martin (fuck his new shit), John Candy, John Belushi etc.
11) Sometimes I had to blow my 8 bit to get it to work. Ah yes.
12) I'm not afraid. I'm really not.





hfm.

The Sobering Conclusion : "Sky High"

New to cineplexes around the nation this week is “Sky High”. This film cutely answers the question: “What would the world be like if people had super powers and needed a place for their children to go to high school?” It is a solid family-friendly film that will keep the kids entertained and the adults won’t be silently praying to the deity of their choice for an hour and a half.

In “Sky High”, Michael Angarano plays Will, the son of the world’s two greatest super heroes, Commander Stronghold and Jetstream, played by Kurt Russell and Kelly Preston. Will is starting high school and begins to attend Sky High, where the children of super heroes go to learn how to use their powers.

There’s not too much really to say about this film. It’s a film for kids and people looking for a break from all the loud, explosion-ridden summer blockbusters. Bruce Campbell, Kevin Heffernan, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald and, Wonder Woman herself, Lynda Carter all add to the fun and good humor of the film.

The story is simple and predictable, but that’s okay in this kind of film because if you were looking for complex from a Disney film, you’re an idiot. The performances are good and the special effects are done well. While I wouldn’t consider the film a “can’t miss”, it’s worth your money for a weekend matinee show. (Though I prefer the late shows to keep the kids down to a minimum.)

A Disneyfied version of what the world would be like if there were super heroes, this film delivers everything it should. The casting was good, the plot was kept simple, and the fun was kept high. I give this film a strong 3 out of 5. I’d probably have a few cans of Old Style and keep the rest for when I get around to “Stealth”.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Wedding Crashers"

Let’s get this out of the way. I hate weddings. I think it’s an antiquated concept that at this point in modern society could be done away with. Aside from the tax benefits, the “holy union” means about to me as the price of tea in China. With that out of the way, enter the newest Vince Vaughn – Owen Wilson buddy pic, “Wedding Crashers”.

Based upon the premise of two best friends who look at wedding season like Bostonians do spring training, this film was like a grapefruit lobbed to Tony Gwynn. There are a wealth of jokes and clichés available. And for the most part, this film was able to hit upon them.

The film works best when Vaughn and Wilson use their chemistry and familiarity with each other to show the audience that they’ve been crashing weddings for many years, and that they know all the tricks. Of course, the crux of the story is that there comes a wedding when sport sex becomes love. Where do they come up with these ideas? It’s like there’s a tree in Hollywood that’s labeled “original ideas”, only it’s been polluted by acid rain and it rarely produces any viable fruit.

This film is buoyed by its excellent supporting cast; Christopher Walken, Rachel McAdams, Jane Seymour, Isla Fisher and a surprise cast member sure to elicit a laugh or two from most audiences (I won't ruin it for you). McAdams does a good job of being vulnerable, innocent and enchanting all at the same time. Seymour should have a new series coming out soon: Dr. Quinn, Plastic Surgery Girl (the film will explain that one). And of course, anything Christopher Walken does is gold. He could read the phone book, and we’d either laugh or cower because of it.

As the film gets underway, after a much too long montage of crashed weddings, Wilson becomes smitten with McAdams and enlists Vaughn to be his wingman and help him get the girl. Hilarity ensues. Or at least, hilarity ensues over the next hour and a half. There are two main problems with this film – It’s too long (a minute shy of 2 hours) and the pacing is all over the place.

Most films like this have an absurd comic beginning, something heartfelt happens, the protagonist screws it up and has to do some soul searching, the film earns its happy ending. In the middle of that very simple plot design, “Crashers” manages to do the ‘screw up – soul searching’ thing a couple more times, leaving the audience feeling all 2 hours of the film. Don’t read too much negativity into the review, this film is funny. It’s definitely worth a rental, or a matinee showing. Better yet, break out that college ID from 10 years ago and get a student price for the late show. But this film falls just short of earning a place with some of the more memorable comedies of the last couple of years.

If you need a chuckle, this is about the only true comedy around (some of the other funny ones on screen right now were meant to be thrilling or dramatic – sorry Michael Bay). Grab a couple of your buddies, or maybe even a date if you’ve got the mojo, and check out “Wedding Crashers”. I’m gonna give it a 3 out of 5, and maybe split the six-pack of Old Style with some friends.

The Sobering Conclusion: " Charlie & The Chocolate Factory"

I finally got around to the quasi-anticipated “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. It looks as if I could have waited a lot more. To be fair, I never read the book and it is my understanding this movie is an adaptation of that, not of the earlier version “Willy Wonka”, which had been lambasted by the Dahl family for getting it wrong. Unfortunately, while they may be right, the Gene Wilder version is far more engaging.

Also going against this film is my general neutrality on Tim Burton films. I don’t go all crazy about his films like those Goth kids you didn’t hang out with in high school. And though I don’t want to ruin the surprise, the cast does include Helena Bonham Carter. I don’t know how Burton is able to convince her to be in all his films. (Yes I’m kidding, smell the sarcasm).

That’s not to say the film was all bad. I was emboldened during the opening credits because the screenplay was done by John August, whose credits don’t seem all that spectacular, but he does a great Q&A section on IMDB and wrote “Go” (a personal favorite). The set design was amazing and Freddie Highmore was a great Charlie, far better than the original. The children were all done well, though how anyone can hope to live up to the original Veruca Salt is beyond me. There’s also a great cameo by Missi Pyle, who never ceases to make me laugh.

Oddly, perhaps the best and worst thing in the film was Johnny Depp. Depp was able to keep me entertained with his odd and silly quips, but at the same time I felt no empathy for his character. About halfway through, I was just hoping the film would end because I was bored and could probably find something else to do. Part of that could be blamed on the fact that I thought I knew how the movie ended. And while the film fleshed out Wonka’s background more, I can’t say that I cared.

One of the most annoying things is that the Oompa Loompas are not as fun and the songs, while apparently direct from the book, are less inspired. With Burton's help, they seemed like overproduced Grammy presentations. While I liked Deep Roy as an Oompa Loompa, I didn’t like that he was ALL of the Oompa Loompas. This cuts close to my overuse of digital technology jag, so I’ll just leave it at that.

In the end, I appreciated the set design and Freddie Highmore was very good. The movie as a whole is something I could have done without and I’m suddenly feeling the urge to watch “Willy Wonka” to clear my head. I’m going to give the film a 3 out of 5. I enjoyed it more like a film with a lesser rating, but I can’t say the film wasn’t made well. I just didn’t want to watch it after about 30 minutes. The six-pack of Old Style is a must, but maybe a chaser of limoncello would help out.

One of my favorite commercials...

Kevin and I were talking about this on Thursday....

Click HERE to watch it.

Drunks,Vomiting Teenagers, and I think I forgot something....

AKA - After the Corrosion of Conformity concert @ House Of Blues Chicago - 7-21-05

So after Kevin and I jogged to Union Station (or is it 'yogged', perhaps it's a silent j), Kevin was lucky enough to have a 10:40 train. Unfortunately, my train was at 10:30 - too late. But, lucky for me, during the week there is an 11:40, so it wasn't too bad. What I discovered, while sitting on a bench waiting for my train, is that THURSDAY night is the FREAKIEST night to take the train. Now, I've been on the train on FRIDAY night, and SATURDAY night, and even SUNDAY night. You would think on those days, things would get crazy. Instead, yesterday was definitely the oddest time I had taking the train ever.

Let's start off with a man in his late 40's. I first see him sprawled out (and passed out) on the bench, waiting for the train I guess. Eventually the guy sits up. At some point I see a spot open up on the bench, so I go for it...there's still a good amount of time before the train comes in, might as well get comfy. After a few minutes, this guy gets up and stumbles over to the stairs. On the stairs are two women, waiting for the train as well. I don't think the guy actually said anything to these women, but he stood there. Then he made his way to two women that were sitting on the floor underneath the Track 8 sign that usually gives you the info about the train. It was blank. The man proceeds to walk RIGHT UP to these girls and stands there, staring at the blank sign. Eventually he stumbles his way back on the bench next to me. He looks at me for about five seconds, and then mutters - in what I can only translate in text as - "MMWELKFMEWMMFMMBBMMBM..

.WHENISTHETTRAINCOMINGLNGMGM.M?". So I say: "What?". He replies: "mmmMMBMBMBWhen is the train?". I tell him that the train starts boarding at 11:30 (something that is clearly posted on the big departure board). I shit you not, not even 10 minutes later, the guy looks at me and says: "MMBMBMMBMBMMMBMMBMMMMMMmmmmmWhat time is the train coming?!?" Again, I reply: "11:30". At that point, he grunts, gets up and walks away....I'm not even sure if he ever got on the train. Now, keep in mind, this wasn't a bum, this guy was in a polo and khakis - but he was clearly shit-faced.

Moving on, let's get to drunk number two. Now, this guy is probably in his 60's, and he's the stereotypical wrinkly old fat drunk. In his hand he is carrying ONE can of Miller Lite, wrapped up in a plastic grocery bag. This must have been beer number 24. This guy is TOTALLY mumbling drunk. He sits next to the guy next to me...well, really he almost falls into his lap. So the guy next to me is clearly disgusted, because he's this clean cut business dude. The drunk guy is just making conversation, and at one point practically sticks the leftover beer in the guys face and asks him if he wants a beer. Then, this drunk gets up and walks to the girls that are sitting under the track 8 sign and harasses them for a bit. While he is up, this one blonde sees that there's an opening on the bench (she didn't notice our friend was sitting there). So she goes to sit down and finds the wrapped-up beer. She asks the guy next to me, in a VERY disgusted voice "Is this HIS?!?" (referring to our friend), the man says yes. Seeing that his seat has been taken, the drunk stumbles back over to us, and in the most pathetic way starts going "ohhh man...noooo......MAMMBMBMBMmmmbmbmbbmbm" He stands and threatens to squeeze on the bench with this chick, then somehow thinks the wiser and goes to the bench on the other side - where he almost sits on another chick's lap - and starts a most unwelcome situation with.


FINALLY, the train comes. I get on and sit down in one of the single seats upstairs. I look down and notice these two girls that I had noticed earlier. They were two girls, one short, the other tall, and I could have sworn they were in high school (although I'm old now, so I don't recognize college girls anymore). They were walking around union station....back and forth, back and forth the entire time we were waiting for the train. It seemed to me that the short girl was supporting the other girl the entire time, but I wasn't quite sure what was going on. Anyway, back on the train, I notice that the taller girl must have been drunk, as she was leaning back with her head in her hand. I overhear the short girl on the phone: "...Mrs. (name garbled), we're on the train now.....blah blah blah"....someone was obviously in trouble. While I was chuckling at their innocent stupidity, the tall girl gets up, and amidst people walking past her to get on the train, begins to vomit in the garbage can. The sound was music to my ears after drinking a bunch of beers and jogging most of a mile, let me tell ya.

So did the adventure end there you ask?

Not really.

As I was arriving to Union this morning, I remembered something. We paid our bill, but the waitress never gave me my card back. So now I have to go back to Howl today and pick it up. And they don't open til 5pm. PISSER! Good news is, I checked my account, and apparently none of the workers took the card out last night and partied at my expense.


What a night. I guess we truly can't control what happens around us. It's 'in the Arms Of God'.

Animation Isolation: Family Guy Stands Alone

Well, since the Simpsons were re-runs and I think American Dad was too, that left Family Guy to brighten Sunday night. It was an ok episode, enough to keep me amused but nothing spectacular. Here come my favorite quotes, I'm eager to hear more comments from the central coast ...

"And the Grammy goes to ... Justin Timberlake (thud). No, the Grammy goes to Nelly ... Nelly."
"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."
"Fuck you, that's who works here!"
"I'd like to make a caramel colored baby with you."
"Thanks for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk."

And I loved the Erik Estrada poster in Lois' childhood bedroom.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Me, You and Everyone We Know"

In “Me, You and Everyone We Know”, writer/director/star Miranda July presents a tale of love and family that can only be summed up in one word: quirky. John Hawkes stars as Richard, a newly separated father of two who is trying to find something amazing in his life. July plays Christine, a lonely wannabe-artist who drives cabs for the elderly and does not seem to have any family, aside from one of her clients.

Christine and Richard meet in the department store he works at and she quickly begins pursuing him, while he is still sorting out what it means to be separated. Richard’s two children basically take care of themselves and have a very funny subplot about Internet sex chats. Let me put it this way, the youngest boy, about 8 or 9, writes to someone on the Internet – “I want to poop back and forth”. Wait till you hear what that means.

This movie has a very strange but warm sense of heart. At first, you’re not sure to take this as a drama or a comedy. In the end, I think I saw it as a slice of life, full of absurd moments. And as strange and quirky as the movie was, I ended up rooting for the different characters. Between the weirdness and all-too-neatly woven subplots, the characters grew on me.

If you like independent cinema, this is for you. If quirky, oddly-motivated characters annoy you, go check out something at the multi-plex. I’d say take a pull off that 6 liter bottle of chuckpucker because this gets a 4 out of 5 from me.

THE INITIAL REACTION: HUSTLE AND FLOW

I am interested in how my initial reactions will stack up with HH's Sobering Conclusions. I will start with Hustle and Flow. I know next to nothing about this movie except what can be deduced from paying half ass attention to a trailer as I cooked dinner. I believe it involves a Black Pimp, a White Hooker, and Rap Music, so I hope you are ready to see some stereotypes. I am sure the black pimp will at some point eat some Fried Chicken, drink a 40, slap his ho, and spit out some watermelon seeds. I don't say this to sound racist, just to make the point that they are really going over the top with some hackneyed and derogatory stereotypes. Keeping in mind I know nothing about this movie. I am sure there will be at least 1 confrontation with a corrupt and racial profiling white police force. At least 3 people will be killed by gun violence. Santa Claus will not appear in the film. There will be a reference to a quote by either Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr, or terrence Trent D'arby. The Hooker has a "Heart of gold." I will need a Keg of Hangover inducing, Ragu Bomb manufacturing Fosters in order to enjoy it.

I, STARSCREAM, AM YOUR NEW LEADER

Megatron has fallen! Now, Decepticons, follow me and I will lead us to victory! Here are my plans for destroying the Autobots, maximizing energon production, and conquering Earth & Cybertron.

1. You, Ramjet...take some goddamn shooting lessons!

2. Soundwave, noone is going to believe you are a friggin tape deck. It's 2005, try transforming into an iPod or something.

3. We need some new things for Decepticons to transform into. Like a stapler. Or a floodlight. Maybe a refrigerator with the ice cube tray right in the door . That would be awesome.

4. The Autobots will surrender and return peaceably to cybertron to serve their Decepticon masters, or I will release the "Optimus Prime Sex Tape". You'll never look at Bumblebee the same.

5. 'Enemy swap' with Cobra Commander.

Animation Domination: week who's counting

I'll let you guys handle remembering all the quotes. I'm too busy still laughing about Peter asking Joe to close his eyes while he gets the gift Lois 'bought' him. Then out comes the air horn and voila!

Reminded me of the time Squatch got his photo taken ... ahh, memories.

P.S. If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

P.P.S. I love the Neverending Story.

The Sobering Conclusion: Star Wars R.O.T.S.

Yeah, it's old but still out there in the googleplexes. It just took me a while to gather myself for this one. And so ...

It probably can’t be a good thing that my thoughts about “Star Wars Episode III” were, ‘I can’t wait for this movie to come out so it can suck and I can have closure’. Episodes I and II were huge disappointments, making a mockery of the earlier films that captured the imagination of sci-fi fans and regular folks alike. With these last three, all of the spirit had been sapped away, as if Lucas couldn’t make up his mind whether he was making a film for kids or adults, toeing the line by developing a darker storyline but also bringing Jar Jar Binks to fruition. Am I the only one who would rather have seen Howard the Duck in that role. Stupid Jar Jar (Mee-sah so annoyed).

In any case, with no expectations going into the last of the new series, I actually was pleasantly surprised … mostly. For the first hour and a half, I was enjoying the film. Then Franken-Vader came on screen, clumsily busting loose of his restraints and crying out like his dog had just died. In that moment, Darth Vader became about as menacing as Pauly Shore. Hayden Christensen should have been replaced for this last film. In Episode II, his character is supposed to be a whiny, petulant teenager. Christensen is great at that. But by this film, Anakin Skywalker is supposed to be headed to manhood, not acting like Mommy wouldn’t buy him a new bike. At this point of the story arc, Anakin needed an actor who could both show his unconditional love for Padme and carry off rage. Sorry, Hayden, that’s not you.

Speaking of Padme, poor Natalie Portman was left adrift in a sea of insipid dialogue and ridiculous fashion sense. Forced to utter such ninth-grade drivel as “Hold me like you did on Naboo” and “You’re breaking my heart”, she becomes not much more than a very attractive set piece. I hope she got paid mucho dinero for these three, because her performances broke my heart and now I need someone to hold me.

Ian McDiarmid was the lone bright spot, portraying a classic bad guy, bent on universal domination. Also, Ewan McGregor was fairly solid, though his character didn’t have much to do but follow Anakin around and eventually beat the snot out of him. Oops, did I spoil the ending? Good. The rest of the supporting cast ranged from pretty good (Jimmy Smits) to just plain stupid (Samuel L. Jackson), with none of the blame falling on them in my opinion. Even the best Formula 1 driver needs tires to win a race.

And don’t even get me started on digital Yoda. It was like watching one of those commercials where they have Frank Astaire vacuuming on the ceiling. I felt like someone had robbed a grave or something. Yoda had no soul in these films. Just because Lucas wanted him to have the fighting style of a Rheesus monkey on PCP doesn’t mean he couldn’t have use a puppet once in a while. (Sadly, the puppet was also more believable.)

Yoda’s flaws bring about a key problem with the film - the severe overuse of C.G.I. (as with the last 2 films as well). What made the opening scene in the original “Star Wars” so great was that the ships had a tangible mass to them. They felt at least a little real, whereas even the best computer graphics are still not much more than very good moving paintings, devoid of weight, floating on the screen.

The story to this film was ok, but as mentioned in regards to Portman, the dialogue is tremendously bad. Any Junior High School English teacher would give Lucas an F and bring in his parents for a meeting. It’s too bad no one was able to convince Lucas to hand over his story ideas to a real screenwriter and let someone else sit in the director’s chair. If he had, there was the potential to make three very exciting films. But his need to keep control over all things in a galaxy far, far away left fans feeling gipped all over Earth.

I only wanted three things with this film - closure, Natalie Portman and Jar Jar’s head on a pike. 2 out of 3 will have to do. And a 2 is what this film rates from me. Thank goodness I was able to Jedi mind-trick the theatre manager into letting me take in this keg of Foster’s. I needed it.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Mr. & Mrs. Smith"

I saw this weeks ago but figured it deserved a review since it’s still in theatres somehow. In “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie play a married couple, who are both assassins. But, and here’s the good part, they don’t know they’re BOTH assassins! Where does Hollywood come up with these ideas! No, seriously. I want to know. I have some extra military ordinance to “dispose” of.

That’s not to say this film isn’t entertaining at times. Pitt and Angelina have great chemistry, and as shown by their multiple vacations in Africa, it’s not just an act. Vince Vaughn provided some nice comic relief, but it’s hard to say if they used too little or too much of him. A thought I don’t want to ponder since it seems pointless. William Fichtner provides the voice of the therapist, sparking my little brain with hope, but he gets no screen time and I get no satisfaction. A decent supporting cast of Adam Brody, Kerry Washington, Michelle Monaghan and Keith David could have added a lot more flair to this film, but I suppose sticking to the planned script seemed more important that utilizing the resources this film had to draw upon once principle photography started.

Director Doug Liman has impressed me with his body of work up until this point, with “Swingers”, “Go”, and “The Bourne Identity”. While the cast is well chosen and the idea could have been a slam-dunk, this film falls short.

The film spends entirely too much time building up their “normal” lives, and it isn’t until Mr. and Mrs. Smith figure out the truth that the fun really begins. Once they discover the other is a rival, though, it seems both sides want them dead. So, naturally, they go on the run. Think “Deadlock” only with better chase sequences, and try to save their marriage at the same time.

Liman delivers some good action, but many of the scenes were so unbelievable that I began to hope Pitt and Jolie would die in a blaze of glory, sort of a “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” for the new millennium. No luck there, though. To give you an idea how disturbingly lucky the two are, at one point they are surrounded by trained gunmen and they stay put in the middle, shooting each of the attackers while only catching rare bullets, mostly in their bullet-proof vests. If I were going to become a mercenary, I would take Headshots 101 as part of my curriculum. Just a thought.

“Mr. & Mrs. Smith” is probably more of a rental than a must-see in the theatres. And with its PG-13 rating, Angelina Jolie fans are better off finding a copy of “Gia” or getting the uncut version of “Taking Lives”. I think you know what I mean.

This is one of those films that might get better with a sequel, now that the introductions have been made for the audience. But that doesn’t mean I’m hoping “Mr. & Mrs. Smith : The Second Honeymoon” happens. Another 6-pack of Old Style, bartender. A 3 out of 5.

The Sobering Conclusion: "The Island"

Ahhh, preview screenings. There’s nothing to get you in a better mood to watch a film than some serious guys in suits telling everyone to turn off all electronic devices, because you’ll be escorted from the theatre if you do, and then announcing, “It’s a good film, it’s very … loud.”

And with “The Island”, director Michael Bay has crafted another film full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. If you get that literary reference, you’re probably watching Michael Bay movies to give your brain some time to cool off between thoughts. Not to say that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I think it’s safe to say that his movies are not meant to challenge your belief systems.

In the movie, Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson play clones, (though, of course, they don't know that) bred to provide replacement parts for their “sponsors”. Sean Bean is the doctor behind it all, trying to engineer a longer lifespan for all the wealthy clients who can afford their own genetically-matched organ re-supply depot. Djimon Hounsou plays an ex-Delta Force mercenary, hired to capture Macgregor and Johansson upon their inevitable escape. Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan round out Bay’s usual suspects in supporting roles.

The clone colony (which is more like a Simi Valley replica, I think I counted 4 minorities) is led to believe that the Earth has suffered a catastrophic contamination event, and now only their hi-tech would-be apartment complex keeps them from becoming sick and dying out in the real world. But, there is still one safe haven on Earth: the island - where upon winning the lottery, clones are sent to live in paradise. Of course, in reality, winning the lottery means their sponsor needs a liver and it’s time to cut up their “insurance policy”.

Once out in the real world, we get 10 minutes of McGregor and Johansson learning how to act in society, a la an alien landing on Earth, and then Hounsou and his fellow mercs start an all-out war in 2019 Los Angeles to get them back. Countless cars are destroyed on the same freeway used in "The Matrix:Reloaded", and little regard is given to the LAPD’s safety, with the chase ending up on the logo of a skyscraper in downtown L.A. As seen in all the trailers, the logo falls off and our heroes plunge towards terra firma.

Through the magic of C.G. and the luck of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in “Twister”, Johansson and McGregor survive and concoct a plan to not only save themselves, but all the other clones still in their paradise prison. Almost as unbelievable as their death-defying antics, is that in just 15 years, L.A. will have mass-transit and most of the cars in Southern California won't be from Japan. I spotted a Honda Element parked in a garage, but everything else was either Chrysler or a Cadillac, with a Hummer thrown in for good measure.

In any case, as far as Michael Bay films, go, this could have gone worse. He’ll probably never top “The Rock” but this is no “Pearl Harbor”. The story is unoriginal, but McGregor and Johansson are a far better duo than Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler, so at least you didn’t want to strangle the main characters for 2 hours.

The dialogue is far from inspiring. Lines such as “The island is real. It’s us” and “I can tell when you’re lying because your mouth smiles but your eyes don’t” make me want to harm small animals and children. And while the audience is being treated to the utopian society the clones live in, we get wannabe-futuristic quips like “Watch your proximity” and the fashion sense of a Nike store. Since some of the cloning processes reminded me so much of “Demolition Man” meets “The Matrix”, I was hoping at one point that people would greet each other with a non-contact high five, or maybe a Keanu Reeves-like “Whoa”. But alas, this movie has robbed me of that as well.

All of the quintessential Bay trademarks are present, such as “shaky cam” to make the action seem so real, the camera shots taken from shoe level to make the characters and surroundings seem so immense, and, of course, the “Hero Shot”. The Hero Shot is when Bay circles the characters / landscapes with the camera, combined with dramatic music, to give the audience a sense of awe about the scene. My running tally counted 10 Hero Shots, with 1 more Super Hero Shot, where the camera did multiple circles. Each time, I was giddy with excitement because why build a movie with substance and intelligence, when you can just move the camera around in interesting and grandiose ways to fool the audience into thinking they are watching something poetic.

In the end, I got what I wanted. A good chase sequence, crazy Michael Bay camera movements, and Scarlett Johansson. While I waited until after the movie to drink a few margaritas, I suggest bringing that sixer of Old Style hidden in your pants and leaving your brain at the door. A 3 out of 5.

Fun With MSPAINT.EXE: The Previous Post

ReplayTV It: 30 Days: "Binge Drinking Mom" 7/20

http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/30days/main.html

What to TiVo: "Kenny vs. Spenny"

I don't know if any of you have already seen this glorious idea of a series/contest show, but it involves 2 Canadian best friends competing against each other in such contests as "Who's a better cook", "Who can stay up the longest", and most recently, "Who can keep from using their arms the longest." Generally, they hold the "longest" contests to 3 days, though.

The fun part is that Kenny constantly cheats, much to the chagrin of Spenny. And the loser is forced to perform a humiliating act, such as dressing up as a woman and trying to pick up people on the street.

It's on the Game Show Network, so digital cable may be necessary. If there was a way to send the show via the Net or something, I'd do that for you. Maybe I'll figure out how to hook up my VCR again. Good hunting, gentlemen!

Oh The Humanity: Lata de conservas

Welcome to my new column here on UGIJF: 'Oh The Humanity'. In this column, I will occasionally review other blog sites - the ones that I find when I click on the 'next blog' button.

This week: http://latadeconservas.blogspot.com/ "Lata de conservas".

Checking my trusty Google translator, the title of this blog translates as : "Conserve tin". This leads me to believe that the author of this blog is completely fucking insane.

As further evidence of this, I present the picture that greeted me on my first visit:



CASE CLOSED.

Next, I asked google to translate the entire page for me, this is what it said:

"Professor Jones had worked in the theory of the time throughout many years.
- and I have found the equation key - a good day said to its daughter -. the time is a field. The machine that I have made can manipulate, and even invest, this field.
Pushing a button while it spoke, it said:
- This will make back down the time backing down will do this - it said, spoke while to button tightening.
- said Field, to even invest e, to manipulate can made there am machine. Field is time. - Daughter his to good day said -. Key equation the found one I have and.
Years many of length on time of the worked theory in there was Jones professor.

Fredric Brown"

What is this shit? I have no idea. Perhaps I should have chosen a different blog to comment on. Ah well, as they say in Spain: "Coma las tuercas de mi cabra y viva por siempre."

The Sobering Conclusion: "Crash"

By popular demand, I am now delivering my review on Paul Haggis’s “Crash”. It stars a bevy of Hollywood names, including Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Terrence Dashon Howard, Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, Thandie Newton, Ryan Phillippe, Larenz Tate, Tony Danza, and Keith David. That’s a mouthful.

While this film attracted a lot of known talent, who mostly contributed convincing performances, I felt Paul Haggis was unable to follow through on his grand plan. You can’t go more than 2 minutes without being hit over the head with a racial stereotype hammer. Maybe it’s because Haggis was a writer on ‘Different Strokes’. Maybe he wrote this at the same time and just updated some of the technology. That would make the most sense.

Now, I don’t mean to bag on the film entirely. Like I stated before, the acting in the film is first rate. While Brendan Fraser continues to flounder in serious roles, Don Cheadle once again provides a performance full of gravitas and anima. Terrence Howard has a strong presence on screen and William Fichtner is still the man.

Ludacris and Larenz Tate are the most consistent characters, and a whole movie about the two of them would have provided a clearer point (Though Tate already did this in “Menace II Society”, which you are better off renting than watching this).

“Crash” is a collection of vignettes, full of strong performances, all woven together just a bit too neatly. It felt like a gimmick by the end. And when Haggis decides to try and trick the audience with a (gasp) reverse stereotype, I grab another hammer.

A lot of things in this film carry weight and emotion and provide a welcome breath of fresh air to a movie landscape full of slapstick crap and disturbingly stupid remakes. But this film fails to deliver the coup de gracie. Los Angeles has a lot of problems, and every city has racism. That doesn’t mean every single person on the street carries those prejudices on their shoulders. “Crash” is an over-simplified and micro-analyzed film about racial tensions that might have worked in 1985, but not so much in 2005.

Having said all that, you still only need a 6 pack of Old Style to cope with the flaws and enjoy the acting. “Crash” gets a 3 out of 5.

Animation Domination continues

The Simpsons gave Family Guy a run for its money this week. I think I even liked it more than Family Guy. Of course, I chalk it all up to the fact that the fat farm coach was the voice of Hank Scorpio. Still one of my favorite characters. Anywho, here's what made me grin the most.

Simpsons -

-Skinner, be gay on your own time.
-Yar, every kid loves a gumball machine, so how about a gumbo machine!
-I assume these snacks are nutricious. That's really none of our business.
-No one is being replaced by a machine, until all the kinks are worked out.
-Bart, do the Bartman, do the Bartman! Dance! Why won't you dance!
-I'm Baskin' in your pain, as I'm Robbin' you of life!
-There's something I have to show you, in one hour. We have to drive there. No talking, it'll hurt the drama.
-You're suffering from P.S.I., poor self esteem. Wait a minute, that's not I. Every sign is wrong!
-Let me have just the cheese. I'm driving, I'll kill us!

I also appreciated the "fat"opening sequence.


Family Guy - this episode was so so. It was nice to see Stewie be a little more evil again, but any episode centered around Meg tends to fall just short. Though it was nice to see the ipecac vomit-Olympics. Here come the quotes:

-What was the point of all that? All it does is shoot ya. It doesn't make breakfast at all!
-Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth in your sleep.
-From the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
-Peter, you got a card that says, 'I'm sorry I gave you VD." That's all you got is accidental huh? Alright, I'll take it.
-Hey, Mort. Do these suppositories come in any other flavors? - Peter, are you eating those? - No, I'm sticking 'em up my ass. Of course I'm eating them.
-Please go out with me tonight. Yeah, um, that sounds cool but I'm going to be in the hospital -tonight. (nail gun).
-Kramer vs. Predator.
-Maybe someday we'll get married and you'll go up on me!
-Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just - Ow, you're bending it!

The Sobering Conclusion: "War of the Worlds"

Finally, more of L. Ron Hubbard's teachings are being brought to movie screens worldwide in Steven Spielberg's"War of the Worlds". What was that? This isn't Dianetics 2: Electric Boogaloo? Huh. Actually, while I was concocting all sorts of cute Tom & Katie quips and Scientology jokes before I saw the film, I'm really in no mood to carry through with any of them now. That's not to say this film is going to win any awards, short of maybe visual or sound effects. But it does deliver what a typical summer blockbuster is supposed to: explosions, aliens, Tom Cruise (Will Smith was unavailable), and escapism.

As one might expect, Dakota Fanning steals the show, grounding the audience in the surreal chain of events. Her performance creates the audience's empathy for the characters. Really, she's the only one you'll care about. As other poeple die, get lost, or come back, it's only Dakota that you're worried about.

Though Tom Cruise is not as bad as everyone had been telling me. But that's because he's the same person in every film. I wish he'd just keep the name Cole Trickle and continue on in the movie universe; saving the planet and completing impossible missions.

The Tim Robbins cameo is more of a distraction than an addition. His character could have been played by any actor whose seen screentime on Law & Order, and without causing us to pause and say, "Hey, that's Tim Robbins." There are only a handful of other actors who have speaking parts that don't include the words "help" and "oh my God" and that's fine. This movie isn't about acting, it's about deadly alien machines tearing humanity a new one.

And one place this film excels in is the visual effects and how the aliens kill off humans. The alien vehicles look nice and move fairly fluidly. Without giving too much away, their 'death rays' basically cause people to spontaneously combust and more than a few times, I felt the need to quote "Soylent Green". And the ferry scene is spectacular, far better than watching the Titanic go down ... though at least Dicraprio does freeze to death in that one.

The sound design is truly great, make sure to see this somewhere with a nice sound system. It makes a difference. This movie definitely delivers creepy noises and loud bangs. And I hope I'm not the only one to think the sound emitted by the alien crafts, while probably a distorted fog horn, reminds me of the 'brown noise' episode of South Park.

Now on to the problems. There are far too many instances of lucky environments. There's always a nice, little path laid out for Cruise and family to drive/run through. It's practically reminiscent of a video game, only letting the characters take the necessary path. They might as well have shown Dakota Fanning hitting an invisible wall if she ever wanders off. Also, while many, many people get killed, you get the feeling many more should have died. Even with all that cool weaponry, the aliens are apparently members of an interstellar union and take their mandatory breaks between exterminating the humans.

All in all, "War of the Worlds" delivers what a huge Hollywood summer movie is supposed to. No more, no less. If you are on the fence, there are simple ways to predict if you will enjoy this film -
1. Do you like Tom Cruise?
2. Can you deal with an oversimplified look at aliens wreaking havoc on the human race?
3. Do you need the film to explain how things were able to be resolved?
4. Do you enjoy Spielberg's 'people looking' film style?

If you answered: Yes, Yes, No, Yes - then go ahead and check this film out. Any variation of that answer scheme and you may want to make sure you aren't paying for this one. I'd say to truly enjoy this film, bring along a 6 pack of Old Style and someone who claims they were abducted by aliens while on vacation in Florida. It gets a 3 out of 5.

FYI: Set TiVo to record Vh1 tonight

Did anyone else already know about "Hogan Knows Best"? It's on VH1 at 10 tonight. I can't wait to learn how to be a parent!

The Sobering Conclusion: "Fantastic Four"

To kick off my newly titled column, I begin with one of the worst movies of the year: "Fantastic Four". Did I give too much of my review away already? In a nutshell, and to use a pun, "Fantastic Four" is not worth your hard-earned $10.

Where to begin ... Well, let's look at the cast, Ioan Gruffudd plays Reed and does a competent job. (Though how he's on the short list for the next James Bond, you got me). Michael Chiklis tackles the role of Ben Grimm admirably and Chris Evans' portrayal of the Human Torch is actually 'fantastic'! A film solely about him probably would have lived up to the title.

Wait, you've left two people out you say? Well, Jessica Alba (Susan Storm) isn't as bad as I had feared/hoped. And thankfully, the costume department removed the top 2 buttons of all of her outfits. But that doesn't mean that the 2 or 3 times she's asked to emote, I'm not forced to guffaw. And without an 'R' rating, we clearly are not seeing what we wanted from the Invisible Girl.

Where, oh where, do I begin with Julian McMahon's portrayal of Dr. Victor Von Doom. I could chalk his inability to pull off a convincing villain on the change in his background story, but somehow I think it's better they gave him powers via the cosmic storm, rather than the actual disfigurement via college lab accident, because that probably cut 15-20 minutes off of the running time (and boy, were there some times I wanted to run). However, there are 2 main factors to Dr. Doom being more like Dr. Not So Scary. One, who is afraid of Julian McMahon? I mean, seriously, he played the ultimate evil source turned consummate husband of Alyssa Milano on Charmed. And two, the director of this fine feature film was Tim Story, who most recently undigested "Taxi" on screens around the world. It really is no surprise he wasn't able to pull all the elements together in this film. And with one of, if not the most, important elements of a comic book movie being a believable villain, "Fantastic Four" was doomed from the start, literally.

All in all, this film had a lot of things it could have built upon, but didn't because it tried to use every cliche in the book: While snowboarding, the Human Torch catches on fire and creates a hot spring for him and his ski bunny ; Susan Storm goes invisible when she feels like no one sees her; Mr. Fantastic only makes the plot-driving mistakes ; and a blind woman sees through the Thing's rocky exterior to a heart of gold (it's in the comic, but we didn't need it in this first film, it only added to an already crowded landscape of oversentimentality).

The special effects were fairly good, minus the space station scenes, where it would have been more believable to use Lego sets than the crappy green scene shots of the Earth they did give us. The use of extreme sports felt like watching a Mountain Dew commercial that wouldn't end. And when the space shuttle was docking with the station orbiting Earth, I had the same thoughts you might have right at the top of the ascent of a roller coaster - 'Why did I do this? Please God, let this just be over."

An hour and 45 minutes later, I got my wish. But not of course, before they throw one of the dumbest, unneeded cliffhanger endings at the audience. Every single Friday the 13th film did it better, and at least in those films, I was sure in real life I would run away from that masked menace with a machete.

In order to enjoy this film, make sure to bring along a keg of Foster's. I give it a 2 out of 5.

And the winner is ... Kevin Hurley!

Congratulations, Kevin Hurley. You have won the "Name the Movie Column" Sweepstakes with your entry of "The Sobering Conclusion". To claim your prizes, send your address to kylesteel@gmail.com (I always misplace these things). It will be sent within 3-5 business days (most likely).

You can see the first review sporting the winning name above this post. Shout out to all those who participated (middle finger to those who didn't). Just so you guys know, here were the runner-ups in no particular order: A More Valid Opinion, Cineplex To The Sternum, F.I.L.M., Worst Taste Scenario, Will It Play in Peoria, and Begging to Differ. There were about ten others I loved as well, but they were so off the beat and path, I thought them distracting to the review.

As a reward for entering, I have included 2 more posters in the booty being sent to Mr. Hurley. It is upon him to decide which poster he, Ken and Josh receive. Bribing him is allowed.

It was a wonderful contest and I am touched by your ideas (shower and therapy to follow). I plan to review all types of films, from the biggest blockbuster to the smallest indie, and maybe I'll help one of my fellow alumni find a diamond in the rough, or a piece of shit in an outhouse. I have decided on a 5 point rating scale, based on what type/how much alcohol it would take to enjoy the film and it is as follows:

5. Flute of the finest champagne
4. Pull of Chuckpucker
3. 6 pack of Old Style
2. Keg of Foster's
1. Case of Olympia (properly aged/conditioned)
0. Bag of Hammers (hit yourself with one, move on to next hammer, repeat until unconscious or dead)

I hope you enjoy my blog feature as it gets underway ... and we'll see how long this latest impulse of mine lasts.

NEW REALITY SHOW IDEAS

I don't think reality TV is quite REAL enough...click the link below for my ideas on for some new relaity TV shows.

Reason #484 Why I Love Google

I'm Addicted To Morgan Spurlock.

Morgan Spurlock - he of 'Super Size Me' fame. He now has a show on FX called '30 Days'. Each episode covers various topics and they are all of the same vein as 'Super Size Me' was, which is a 30 day experiment outside of your comfort zone. So far the three episodes I've seen have been:

1. Spurlock and girlfriend go 30 days on minimum wage.
2. Dude takes steroids and supplements for 30 days to get back to his high school weight.
3. Hick lives with Arab people and becomes muslim for 30 days.

I've also read his book, which is pretty much a recap of Super Size Me.

All in all, although I'm sure some of his 'reporting' is motivated by his own political stances, I think he makes some good points regarding health in schools, and fast food joints trying to dump shit off as 'healthy'.

As for the TV show, it's a little fluffy at times, but you can really start to learn some things when you watch it. It's kinda like Expanding Your Viewpoints For Dummies.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that crap.

Smea' that honey.

Name the Movie Column Sweepstakes

While I have been kicking around "Cinemania", "Movies for Guys who like Lesbians" and "Sin-ema", I feel that only my fellow Posse members have the creativity and sheer balls to come up with a suitable title for my movie column. So, here comes the first contest to the P-Posse Blog!

To the person who comes up with the name I like best, I will send them a "care" package which will include some of the following: Landmark movie passes, a $10 Landmark Gift Certificate, movie poster of my choice, new car*, Claudia Schiffer**, and much, much more*** (or nothing else).

The contest will end at 10:22 mst on Friday, July 8. No entries submitted anonymously will be considered, enter as often as you like. Sweepstakes void in Hayes, Kansas since it sucks.

Good luck to all!

* New Car not available as claim was a bold face lie.
** Claudia Schiffer not available and who really cares.
*** Much, Much More just a gimmicky catch phrase to entice applicants and in no way assures other prizes will be awarded.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Mysterious Skin"

Another movie review! Summer brings out the voyeur in me. Well, "Mysterious Skin" is based on a book by Scott Heim but written for the screen and directed by Gregg Araki ("Doom Generation", "Nowhere"). It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt ("3rd Rock From The Sun") , Michelle Trachtenberg ("Buffy", "Ice Princess") and Brady Corbet ("Thirteen"), with a supporting role by Elisabeth Shue ("Leaving Las Vegas", "Adventures In Babysitting", "Karate Kid").

In a nutshell, before watching this film, if you haven't seen any other Araki movies, you need to know that he's got a bit of a skewed perspective on the world. And for this one, there are more than a few scenes revolving around Neil's (Gordon-Levitt) chosen profession of a John, due to child abuse at the hands of a little league coach. So if you are particularly uncomfortable watching guys go down on one another and prefer to miss some man-on-man rape, then this isn't for you. There are no full frontal shots, but that may be worse considering you are left to imagine some of the events that unfold as the camera stays just off the "action".

The basic story is that Neil has become sexually hyper-active due to his abuse and Brian (Corbet) has shut down completely due to an encounter that somehow involves Neil from 10 years previous, during which time Brian figures he had been abducted by aliens though he has no clear memory of where his "lost time" came from. So Brian goes on a quest to find Neil and see if he knows what happened to him 10 years ago.

Yes, this film is out there. At times, Araki creates such a surreal and unrealistic world you can't help but laugh at the absurdity. He did this in his other films as well, creating a super-exaggerated world, pursing the effects of extreme emotional distress/breakdown/shutdown. However, with a real story behind this because of the novel it was adapted from, this film is one of the best films I've seen that portrays the terror and consequences of child abuse. I can't really empathize, but this film doesn't pull punches.

Gordon-Levitt's performance is nothing short of amazing, his choices were fearless and so far, the best performance I've seen this year. But this being a small indy movie, released in June by a director known for absurdity, he'll never get the credit he deserves for this. Corbet is also very strong and I hope this film gets remembered when the Spirit Awards (Independent Film) take place at the end of the year.

While it's VERY hard to recommend this movie, if you are looking for a challenge and aren't going to be offended/put off by the subject material I liked this very much due to the strength of the performances and I like the absurd world that Araki creates, it puts me in the right mood. (wrong for most people).

Overall, I give it a 7.5 on the Richter Scale.

The Sobering Conclusion: "Heights" & "Kontroll"

As an employee of an arthouse theatre chain and self-acknowledged movie fanatic, I feel it my duty to bring to my fellow Posse members reviews of films and what to look for. As noted in my added comment to Ken's review of "Batman Begins", I will be using the Richter Scale (10 point) to score a movie, since I am on the West Coast and already this year I've felt 3 earthquakes! Woo hoo, a new record. Pacific Ocean, here we come!

So to kick off my new feature to our blog, I thought I'd start with "Heights". I was going to do a "Kontroll" review but it's no longer playing in Chicago. However, the short version is that the movie (subtitled in English), set in the Subway system of Budapest is actually a metaphor for the inner workings of the brain, where all the players and events are symbolic of one thing or another. It was a little slower than I would have liked it, but by the end once you have started to figure out what symbolizes what, it ends up being very interesting. I'd give it a 7.0 on the Richter Scale.

Ok, so onto "Heights". This one stars Elizabeth Banks (hot), Glenn Close, James Marsden ("X-Men", "Disturbing Behavior") & Jesse Bradford ("Hackers", "Swimfan") . It's about a couple on the verge of marriage (Banks & Marsden) who are beginning the feel the pressures of all that entails. She (Banks) is feeling trapped, going through with it because it's what she's supposed to do and Marsden has a secret he has yet to reveal to her. Close plays a highly successful actress (where'd they get that idea) and the mother of Banks' character. She meets Bradford, who is an aspiring actor and coincidentally lives in the same building as Banks and Marsden. Through some crazy six degrees connections, Marsden's secret begins to unravel and Banks comes closer and closer to putting the halt to the whole marriage idea.

Since I have such a cynical view on relationships, I liked this movie quite a bit, feeling at home in the mood and atmosphere it created. The performances are good all around and while the story feels a bit too neat/contrived, I am probably going to watch this at least one more time in theatres (since I don't pay for these things).

Overall, a 6.5 on the Richter Scale.

Random Stupid Movie Dialogue

"You couldn't hotwire my ASS!!
- Maria Bello in the remake of "Assault on Precinct 13"

In the event that you want some context for this quote, it's
shouted at another character who supposedly knows how to
boost cars but is having trouble because she's under-the-gun
and panicky. I'm not familiar with whatever level on which
this line is supposed to make sense, so I don't know what
would prompt someone to write that into a script, but it did
get me to stop and string together the following three
concepts: "hot", "ass" and "Maria Bello". Maybe that's all
they were going for to begin with. Then I started following
the rabbit hole further down, asking myself, "would it be
possible to hotwire her ass? If so, how would that work?"
I checked the DVD extras but couldn't find anything further.

It's thoughts like these that keep me out of the really good
schools.

EAT THIS

Well, there was an article in the Trib on competitive eating, and I figured these guys HAD to have a website.

They do.

A sample:

"His given name is Tim Janus, but to the competitive eating community he is a man of mystery, Eater X, whose face and inner torment is concealed by a mask. Eater X has distinguished himsef in 2004, performing in pie, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, cannoli, cheesecake and corned beef and cabbage."

Check it out here, FOO!
www.ifoce.com

Animation Domination Continues

Well, no new American Dad and The Simpsons were both pretty weak. And I hate to say it, but my laughter for Family Guy was a little sparse tonight. There are always going to be weaker weeks ... and this was one for me.

However, I did capture a few gems and here they are:

Simpsons:

-Finger pain? I thought I was getting gum!
-Lovejoy's an idiot. His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green!
-A new plague is sweeping the town. And this one didn't start with Krusty Burger's whatchamacarcass sandwich.
-Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister Patty.

-Homer, why did you put the screwdriver on the end? - Now you know what it's like in the real world.
-But we're already on Chapter 7. - Then you'll be teaching Willy!

Family Guy:

-Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11.
-Dude, put your pants on! Shut up!
-I gotta tell ya, I don't know what she could see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.
-Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone.

Also, Quagmire's "date" was a nice homage to the oft-maligned date rapist. Ahh ... memories ... wait a minute.

Huh.

No posts for almost a week. What is your problem? Damn Cubs bullpen. Damn St. Louis Cardinals! DAMN! That's yo' mama's nickname cuz she so fat. Marshmallows. Killers. Free thoughts. Poon. Clutch. Iced Tea. 3 year old Poundcake. Playstation 3 comes with an extra slot. Guess what it's for? Death by Bufu. The one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson.

Animation Domination Week 6

I'm gone for TWO DAYS and no one posts about cartoons!?!?
Jesus. Anyway, I've forgotton most of what I saw last night, but
I'll post the three lines I can remember from Family Guy. Reply
with others, or inequality will be heaped upon you for eons!!!

"Well, THAT was wierd. Let's compare breasts!"

"Oh, you're just curious! Well, let me show you how everything
works down there!"

"Now we can live with you again, even though you're a dangerous
retard!!"

Madwoman? More like Freedom Fighter!

From IMDB:

DiCaprio's Face Slashed by Madwoman

Hollywood heart-throb Leonardo DiCaprio was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital after a madwoman slashed his face with a broken beer bottle. The Gangs Of New York superstar needed urgent treatment and 12 stitches to his celebrated features after the horrific attack, which occurred as the actor was leaving producer Rick Salomon's party at 4am on Friday. And DiCaprio narrowly dodged an early death, as the bottle-wielding maniac nearly tore through a vital artery near his ear. Actor Jonah Blechman, who was at the scene, told a friend, "Leo's been attacked. She smashed his face in and we rushed to help." DiCaprio's publicist Ken Sunshine says of the crazed attacker, "(She had) been repeatedly asked to leave the property. She was reportedly looking for an ex-boyfriend, who she'd apparently physically assaulted on prior occasions. Law enforcement authorities have now begun a criminal investigation into the matter."

Craigslist POST OF THE DAY - (MAYBE THE YEAR!)

Click HERE

PORN Station PORTABLE

"Sony Says It Can't Stop Porn Producers From Releasing Films for PSP

Following reports that several Japanese producers of pornographic movies are planning to release them in the UMD format used with Sony's hot-selling PlayStation Portable device, Sony issued a statement Wednesday saying that there was no way that it could legally block distribution and sale of the disks. A public relations official at Sony Computer told the Asahi Shimbun: "It is utterly undesirable, but we cannot stop software makers from selling such videos.""

- Credit: IMDB.COM

Batman Begins : The Review

As I drink my morning coffee, I will give you my geek-ass review of the movie BATMAN BEGINS.

Since I am too lazy and untalented to write a witty summary of the movie, feel free to paste your favorite review [HERE].

Now, my thoughts.


How this Batman ranked: 1st - Though I really liked the Keaton Batman movie(mostly the first one, I thought the second got goofy and Schumakkkers versions were just plain gay).

Bale's portrayal of Batman: 1st - Although at times he kinda comes off as a dumb jock (really just in his scenes with Katie Holmes), he's still not as mumbly as Keaton's Batman and he has more life to him.

The overall storytelling of the film: 1st -- The other Batman's skimp over everything that made Bruce Wayne Batman. This movie goes into, relatively, great detail. Pretty much the first hour or so is background. You don't see Batman until the last 40 minutes or so. While this may sound boring to some, it's great. Unlike other Batman movies, it really gets you into the character and seems like a movie instead of a cartoon.

Supporting cast: Everything in me is telling me to hate Katie Holmes right now. I thought she did alright. I still don't like her as an actress though. She made the movie feel like Dawson's Creek. Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman pretty much kicked ass as they always do. These guys are like Heston or Connery - put them in front of the camera and it just works - even if they are talking about Stag Hearts. Gary Oldman does a good job as Gordon - but he really doesn't get much character development - which is understandable since there are a lot of characters in this movie. Liam Neesen as Qui Gon Jin does a great job too, and has a nice twist at the end. Rutger Hauer just plays 'Evil Corporate Baddie #4'. He has great presence, but his character ends up being pretty weak. Tom Wilkinson is pretty cheesy as Falcone -the mob boss. Cillian Murphy's Scarecrow character is cool, but he's such a pretty boy that it's hard to adjust to him at first. Ken Watanabe Is Japanese!

Special Effects, costumes, etc: When you first see Bale as Batman, he looks a little goofy, but I think that happened with all the Batmans. He has one scene though that officially qualifies him, in my eyes, as the best (and most badass) Batman ever -- it's subtle, but I just thought he portrayed more emotion than previous Batmans who would just use the outfit to scare people - but then talk in a montone voice without any inflection whatsoever. The Batmobile is pretty cool. I think they did a great job on the sound editing to make it sound like a real car/suv. It doesn't sound like a spaceship like previous models.

All in all, I really liked it, and even the wife enjoyed it - but that was probably because she wants to nail Christian Bale.

Out of 8=====D, I give it a 8====D

An Open Letter to Tom & Katie

Dear Tom & Katie:

You are beautiful, successful movie stars. NOW GO AWAY!!!! You are taking up valuable camera time that could be used by Jesse Jackson or Don King. Plus I heard that when two people REALLY REALLY REALLY Love each other (as you two obviously are) they sometimes commit suicide together! Now get to it! Prove your love to us!

Bitches.

AN Example of RUN!!!!

Check this out:



Here's an example of media bullshit. Um, ok, I was touched by Michael Jackson, and I lost my court case, thus I am obviously, according to Matt Drudge, SUPPOSED TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF MADDENING DEPRESSION!!!!

Kinda like the guy from 'Dead Man On Campus'. "You were singing show tunes!"

But seriously, it's not like the kid SHOULDN'T be having fun. After all, in the picture, he is being touched by a girl, something that Jacko would never be smiling about.

RUN!

Holy Crap! There is a Tsunami headed this way! It may molest you, but if it doesn't, it will probably kidnap some white woman. Run to the hills! Wait! No! You'll get caught in a Double Homicide Mudslide and the terrorists will win! Plus Paris Hilton will buy yur corpse and pay Louis Vitton to make a handbag out of your head! Can the media please calm the hell down about all this irrational crap!

Oregon Trail

http://www.virtualapple.com/oregontraildisk.html

Animation Domination Week 5

Here we go with the best of the week.

From the Simpsons:

I always appreciate Asian humor so I thank the stars for a Simpsons trip to China.

Here's my top 10 from the Simpson's hour ...
"You are like Hen with no cock. It may be double entendre in your country, but it is not in ours."
"Look at him sleeping, he's like a little angel who killed 50 million people."
"Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How did that work out?"
"Now I will question everything, why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?"
"Don't have a cattle, dude" and "Feast on my shorts, stupid father man!"
"I'll see you all at lupper!"
"That time you blinded me. He gave you a bike. That sure was a good sounding bike."
"You're kind of sexy your honor." - "That's a deliberate misstatement of fact. But I'll allow it."
"You don't understand officer, I thought that King was a Queen."
"If you require wheelchair assistance, you chose the wrong airline. Ha Ha."

And because it hits home with me, here are all 8 movies listed as playing at the Googolplex Theatres (in case you didn't TiVo it and press pause).

3 Fast 3 Furious
Breast Camp
Dude, Where's My Prostate
Michael Eisner vs. Michael Ovitz
Kill Bill Maher
Baby Cops 3: Tired and Cranky
Disney's "Stroller Rental: The Movie"

And my personal favorite, Explosion 2.

From Family Guy:

OH MY GOD... I have to start with Stewie going up Annika Sorenstams skirt. I did NOT see that coming ... And he didn't just touch it, he was hanging, nay, DANGLING from her junk ...WTF!!! Best minute of the night for sure.

The following only distracted me a little while I continued to ponder the Sorenstam joke.

"I figured Andre the Giant was a little hipper. You know, get back some of the boys you scared away."
"What is it boy, trouble at the old mill? Somebody fall through the ice? Bobcat?"
"Shut up, and put some more of that sugar in my bowl!"
"Can I touch your hair? I want to touch it. Oooohh, it's like a sheep."
"Don't you want to hit his kid? Take that Macho Man Randy Savage."
"To the Hindenpeter!" (crash) "Peter, how can you afford these things?"
"My friend, you've been kicked in the nuts. You're gonna be on TV"

American Dad followed, but I was still thinking of Annika Sorenstam. Here are some quotes that brought me out of my dream state.

"I wish he'd get sick like E.T."
"There are plenty of kids in Heaven you could be friends with. That girl in the Poltergeist. She must be 16 by now, You could totally hit that."
"Oh, Oh. Linda's makin' a run for the gate (scream) Come on, Francine, you can't tell me that's not funny."
"He's still a hundred times better than our last neighbors. They were black."


And that's the West Coast Post Earthquake Report. Back to you.

Ken's BBQ - The Aftermath

Quotes from the flesh-eating:

"It's like a pillow fight with my vagina."
-Sarah? (in reference to a less-than-adequately sized wang)

"That's the equivalent of a pregnant seventh-grader."
- Kevin (describing Ken & Sarah's combined weight loss)

Carmody to Kevin: "I'd blow you for $5 million."
Kevin to Carmody: "You'd blow me for a Happy Meal!"

"Viagra, that's the pill that gives you the four-hour ejaculation."
- who else? Da Dawg

Craigslist POST OF THE DAY

LOVE!

Fun With MSPaint

More crappy ALL=IN=ONE personal website action.

In response to MSN's all-in-one, look-at-me, read-my-blog,do-what-I-do personal website action, Yahoo now has 360(insert degree sign here).

Check out my pathetic page which I will never go back to again:

http://360.yahoo.com/facistarchfiendsexpot

Feel free to steal the login name too. I created it by using Yahoo's patented 'put in three words and we'll create a login for you' system. I entered 'facist, tiger, sexpot' and got FACISTARCHFIENDSEXPOT. Most excellent.

Ken's BBQ

As Ken is having a barbecue at his house this Saturday, it seems
only appropriate that, like everything else, it has a subtitle.
Here's what I've got so far:

"Where EVERYthing's pink in the middle!"
"Santa Walk 5.5"
"Sausage Fest"

Chime in with suggesstions, you scurvy fucks!!

Greatest Wrestling Games

I have spent a lot of time playing wrerstling games in my life. Now I have put together a list of the Top 5 wrestling games of all time.

1. 8 Bit nintendo Nintendo Pro Wrestling-No announcer. No confusing "USA" crowd chants when the Undertaker is fighting Stone Cold. Just the greatest characters ever developed for a pro wrestling game. No matter many times King Corn Karn piledrove Fighter Hyabusa outside the ring, then snuck back in as the ref counted to twenty, I never got tired of it. Also featuring "I'm having a Heart Attack!" Starman, The "Creature from the Black Lagoon" Amazon, and that cheap Flair knockoff King Slender. Plus it was hilarious when you would back brain kick your buddy. Great Puma is still one of the biggest badasses in video game history. I've seen someone knock Tyson out in under 2 minutes in 'Punch-Out', but I have never heard of ANYONE EVER pinning this a-hole clean.

2. WWF Attitude - Voted second best wrestling game "By DECREE of Vince McMahon." Granted this game was made more awesome by adding six-packs and the awesome booking of Acolytes Forbes and Hurley. Was the first game to feature create a PPV, create-a-wrestler, an awesome damage counter (used to determine the winner in the case of a draw), and the ability to bleed from every part of your characters body. For some reason the IT would not lose, and the create a wrestler led to characters I still create on the PS2, including C4, the Mugger, Grey Ghost, and Skullmania. Also characters I would rather forget about, including Snot, the Butt, and the sinister Uncle Otis. The sound was awesome too, "Lights out Jackass!"

3. Saturday Night Slam Masters-Look, it had Mike Haggar in it, and he did the spinning piledriver right out of Final Fight. Plus Scorpio was awesome.

4. That M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestling game- I like cartoonishly silly abilities in wrestling games. This game has that in spades. From the blockheaded dude turning into a top and drilling a hole in his opponent to the 'Red Rain of Berlin' I could only gape in holy sh*t shock as I watched all the special moves. Honestly, there wasn't much beyond it than that, but what it did it did well.

5. WWF Superstars Arcade Game. This game only had 8 characters or so, including BossMan, Warrior, and Hogan in Tag Matches, but it will always be one of my faves. I loved wrestling the Million Dollar Man and Andre the Giant in Tokyo to win the belts. Plus, it talked. I will always remember the Million Dollar Man saying "I'll put you to sleep with my million dollar dream hold" then Andre mumbling something.

Anyway, I could talk about HCTP or WrestleWar, but I am going to stop now.

Animation Domination Week 4

It's back on this week, right?? I've had my hoped dashed
the past two weeks by fucking Star Wars: Episode II and
fucking car racing, so I need my fix. Ken and I watched
some Family Guy episodes Saturday night just to prepare.

Metal gear Solid 5-1

Here is what Ign knows about it:

"Publisher: Konami Digital EntertainmentDeveloper: Kojima ProductionsGenre: Stealth ActionRelease Date: TBA 2007
What We Know: The most popular PS3 game to come out E3 2005 was undoubtedly Metal Gear Solid 4. In development by Hideo Kojima's newly-formed creation studio Kojima Productions, MGS4 will take place three years after Sons of Liberty and introduce a game concept not yet explored by the series: "nowhere to hide." Additionally, there will be an online battle mode included for the final version and Solid Snake will be the main character once again.Remaining details about the game are harder to find than Snake using a cloaking device, but press materials have confirmed at least seven more characters that will appear. Vamp, Fatman, Cardboard Box, Meryl Silverberg, Revolver Ocelot, Otacon, and Raiden are the ones we can recognize without any trouble, while two remaining players look eerily similar to Big Boss and Naomi Hunter. In a recent interview with IGN, Kojima also acknowledged that the first official trailer provides several hints regarding MGS4's eventual gameplay mechanics -- the Russian symbol on Snake's uniform, the use of disguises, and using 2nd hand smoke to obliterate opponents were the moments we found most interesting. Of course, we still have a long way to go before we learn any more."

$elling Out To Tha Man!!!

<---------- Check out the sellout Google ads.

I will now earn a minute amount of money for anytime someone accidentally clicks on that banner ad. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Faxanadu Words Of Wisdom

Dude.

I'm Nobody's Lunch

I was looking for JCVD pics and found this site:

http://www.nixflix.com/moviepics/nosurrender4.jpg

What I especially love is that in the review they mention something that we had thought was the case:

""No Retreat, No Surrender" is one of those movies that just begs to be ridiculed. It certainly has its share of goofs, including (but certainly not limited to): Jason's father, who after getting his leg broken, becomes a big wimp; R.J., who is supposed to be black and thus "groovy", but has a white stunt double every time he is supposedly "getting down"; and how about the fact that the guy playing the spirit of Bruce Lee looks nothing like the real Bruce Lee. Actually, the better question is: has the Russian mob gotten so lame that they now spend all their time going around the country taking over karate dojos?"

Future T-Shirts

That's right! The Posse is going into the T-shirt Business to raise money for our frequent trips to Vegas and Bolingbrook. Blumeany, post the first image, since I don't really know how I'd do that. Motion passed and seconded and passed again. Anyway, I am tired of waiting for him, so basically the shirt has a picture of a dizzy Bolo Yeung (who swam to Canada) and the phrase FRANK DUX HATES YOU!

Also Picture od blinded Frank Dux as portrayed by Jean Claude VD and the words Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!

Fun with images.google.com

"Dan Bowers"




"Josh Jones"




"Ian Forbes"




"Ken Lombard"




"Brian Miller"




"Kevin Hurley"




"Ethan Conant"

FRENCH, DUTCH PROVE THAT DEVIL'S ADVOCATE ALIVE AND WELL!

God I hate the French - and to quote Michael Caine in Goldmember: "Theres two people I can't stand: People intolerant of other peoples cultures, and the DAMN DUTCH!"

Paris Hilton Engaged to Rapist Bear!

Holy Shit! Extra Exclusive! Only on Axess Hollywood! Paris Hilton has just become engaged to a bear at the San Diego Zoo best known for a series of grisly (and grizzly) rapes. The grooms guard hairs will be styled by Prada.